Ever end a friendship because you are doing most of the maintenance?

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. Let's call her Shelly. A rift had inexplicably begun to develop, but I knew I was done with her one Memorial Day weekend. Shelly had mentioned at one point that she and another friend were going on a beach trip. An acquaintance had rented a house and a bunch of people were going. I just assumed I was invited, but she never called me back to solidify plans. When she texted me, she said something about how busy she had been and she was already at the beach, and sorry! And then asked where my boyfriend was and suggested I call him to hang out instead. I found out later that the acquaintance who made the house arrangements had already invited too many people, and I was an extra she could not accommodate. Shelly did not know how to break this news to me, so she just ignored me. It was all so immature, I stopped talking to Shelly and other associated friend for about a year because it just seemed very disrespectful and I was hurt that no one was upfront with me. The other friend eventually apologized, and Shelly and I are fine now, but nowhere near the friends we were in college and a few years afterward, and I am honestly fine with it. Friendships should not be forced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all these drastic end things posts. My friend won't initiate so I'll cut off. My brother doesn't see me enough, so I'm done. People can lead very busy stressful lives. There are people among us with cancer who haven't told you. There are people struggling finacially. There are people who's kids are ill. Get over yourself.

Stop pursuing and leave the ball in your friend's court, but don't throw people out becuase the stress in their lives may make it hard for them to meet your needs.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's been a good friend for about a year but the initial burst of meeting someone has died down and anything new we talk about is initiated by me.

don't take it personally. they may just be occupied with other things and new friendships may just not be top priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all these drastic end things posts. My friend won't initiate so I'll cut off. My brother doesn't see me enough, so I'm done. People can lead very busy stressful lives. There are people among us with cancer who haven't told you. There are people struggling finacially. There are people who's kids are ill. Get over yourself.

Stop pursuing and leave the ball in your friend's court, but don't throw people out becuase the stress in their lives may make it hard for them to meet your needs.

I think that's what people are referring to. But if you have a friend who doesn't initiate and you do this, you are effectively choosing to end the friendship. There is no reason to be dramatic about it, but it is something that I would give some thought to before doing.

The decision is to leave it alone for a while and see what happens in weeks, months or maybe a year.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who was always happy to go out or talk if I called or emailed her but only called/emailed me if she wanted/needed something. I stopped calling/emailing. The first time i heard from her was a year later when she called because she wanted something and I didn't respond. I haven't heard from her since. I realized she wasn't a friend and I didn't have time for that. No drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get all these drastic end things posts. My friend won't initiate so I'll cut off. My brother doesn't see me enough, so I'm done. People can lead very busy stressful lives. There are people among us with cancer who haven't told you. There are people struggling finacially. There are people who's kids are ill. Get over yourself.

Stop pursuing and leave the ball in your friend's court, but don't throw people out becuase the stress in their lives may make it hard for them to meet your needs.

Agree. I have friends I see every year or two, without much correspondence in between. And when the stars DO align, we have a wonderful time. Why the drama? Roll with it, think of the good times, look forward to the next time.

That is, of course, assuming that not ALL your friendships are like this. If they are, look at yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:33 You sound like one of those "friends" who only does things expecting an immediate return--like it's a financial transaction. A friendship is an organic things it can grow in fits and starts and then slow to a crawl. Your friend has a new baby--you can post on Facebook without much emotional entanglement--texting sometimes requires that you stop what you are doing and have to respond right away--with a baby--not always possible! Visiting a friend that lives 30 MINUTES AWAY? ok, well I live in DC and I could be very far away in 30 minutes. You sound really high maintenance. Your friend could have a lot going on that she's not willing to share, even with the person who gave her a shower.

Nope, not at all. Perhaps I wasn't clear in my initial post. We were friends for several years, even through distance. When I moved to the area, she would only spend time with me if I drove to her. This includes an entire summer when she was not working and did not have a new baby (nor was she pregnant). It was apparent I was the only one making the effort (and people on here agreed when I posted asking for opinions) so I took a step back. Slowly lessened my calls (I always got voicemail anyway), stopped the texts. Didn't hear from her. I'm not going to waste time trying to force a friendship if the other doesn't want it.