Question about a death in a jewish family
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Anonymous
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I just found out a former summer intern of mine's father passed away today.
I would like to attend whatever services there may be and/or show my support in the best way possible. I have many Jewish friends, but I can't recall a single death in one of their families, so I don't know what is most appropriate. What are the usual and appropriate customs? Send flowers? Send food? Go over? Go to the service? Go to the house? is there anything special not to wear/to wear when i go? |
Anonymous
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Do not send flowers.
You can send food or make a donation to a charity of the family has specified one. Typically a Jewish funeral will happen fairly quickly after the person died. You can go to the funeral but if you can't, the family will sit shiva, a period of mourning at their house. This will be the first night the person dies (unless it is Friday ) Shiva will also not be during the day on Saturday. It would start again on Saturday night. If it just happened, they will probably sit Sunday during the day and then not again till Wednesday since it is the Jewish New Year. You don;t have to stay at the Shiva a long time. An hour would be plenty. You don't have to wear anything special but I would not go in gym clothes. If you go to the funeral, they will go to the cemetery after. Wear low shoes so your heels don't sink in the ground. |
Anonymous
| op here: thank you so much. i didn't realize that shiva started so quickly. the death was today. i will find out if i can go tomorrow - do i call and ask? or do i just go? |
Anonymous
| see if you can find the obit, as that might reference when/where the family will be sitting shiva. or if you know if they were active in a synagogue you could call there to see if they know. |
Anonymous
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Agree with no flowers; Jews tend not to have flowers either at the service or the grave. However, it is appropriate to bring food to shiva, if you want. This is pretty typical, actually, the idea being that the mourner should be focusing on mourning and recalling their loved one, and others help provide for their physical needs, like food. (Of course, if the family keeps kosher, you may not want to risk bringing something they won't eat.)
You can also make a donation in memory of their family member -- to a charity of their choice if they've specified one, or if they haven't, to a cause that honors the family member. For example, when a good friend died of breast cancer, my family gave donations to a breast cancer charity in her memory. I wouldn't worry about going to the actual funeral unless you want to. Most people skip the funeral unless they were family or very close friends, and pay a shiva call instead. The mourner will probably remember that more, honestly. The funeral tends to be a big blur and then the shiva call is where people actually have a chance to speak with and comfort the mourner. |
Anonymous
| if you go to the shiva don't sit on the seats that have cushions removed or are lower to the floor than others, these are for the mourners. Also don't be surprised if the mirrors are covered. |
Anonymous
Shiva won't start until after the funeral (typically). The funeral may be tomorrow but more likely Monday. Shiva info will likely not be in the obituary b/c people don't want to advertise that the house will be empty during a funeral (although in reality a couple of friends do stay back at the house to set up for the shiva). Agree with the pp that their synagogue may have info or the funeral home may (that will be in the obit). |
Anonymous
The funeral will not be monday or tuesday. It is Rosh Hashanah. It will either be tomorrow morning or wednesday. |
Anonymous
| I'm not Jewish, but wasn't there a similar post here a few months ago, and someone mentioned that in Shiva, there may be boxes on the floor, and not to sit there because that is for the family in mourning to sit on? I thought I remembered something about that... |
Anonymous
Oops -- yes, thank you for correcting me. I should know -- my mother died the morning of the first night of Passover and we couldn't have the funeral until after the seders. Op, listen to this poster about the dates  .
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Anonymous
No Problem-Happy New Year. |
Anonymous
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What are the usual and appropriate customs? - if you go to the house after being at the cemetary, bring food. if there's a bowl of water outside the front door, "wash" your hands in it before entering. all mirrors very well may be covered (b/c you're not supposed to focus on yourself when mourning). if there are boxes, cartons, don't sit on those - they're for the people sitting shivah - they are to be sat on so you remember you are in mourning.
Send flowers? - no Send food? - yes, or bring it when you pay a shivah call Go over? - yes Go to the service? - yes, you don't need to be invited Go to the house? - yes is there anything special not to wear/to wear when i go? - you don't wear black. dark colors, but you don't have to wear all black. It goes funeral home, cemetery, house where immediate relatives are sitting shivah. Do NOT offer money. Do not say the dead person is with Jesus now. Also no need to say they're with God. Good phrases are, "I'm so sorry for your loss." "My thoughts are with you." "It sounds like your father/husband/brother was a really great guy."
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Anonymous
| You wish them a Long Life and bring bagels. The circular bagel represents the continuing circle of life. |
Anonymous
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Op here - two more questions - one, can I wear a sleeveless shirt? And two, can I go to the house for Shiva after the funeral and not go to the service - or does that look bad?
I have a conflict - funeral is tomorrow am. |
Anonymous
Yes, unless they are ultra-orthodox Yes, go to whatever you can. No worries if you cannot attend both. |