Amazing DD has become a monster at age 13

[Anonymous]

She's always been very close to me, a real 'mommy's girl,' but just after turning 13, she started turning into a horrendous, manipulative, nasty, spoiled brat. I keep wondering where my wonderful DD went. Sometimes she reappears, but more often she's sullen, angry, screaming at me (in particular) for no apparent reason. Yes, yes, I know, I know, she's at that age, she needs to separate from me, blah blah blah, but does it have to be this way? So painful, so difficult?

Is there anything I can do to get through this? Any books that have helped? I really miss my sweet, communicative daughter. We used to have fun cooking, shopping, going places together and just chatting, and now almost all of our conversations involve her criticizing me for one thing or another. Today she told me I am "so incredibly naive" for some reason I can't remember. I'm also fat, ugly, wear dowdy clothes, have food in my teeth, bad breath, weird hair, etc. etc. And I'm so stupid and I ruin everything. The only time she's nice to me is when she wants me to do something for her: buy her something, take her shopping, take her to a friend's house, let her go somewhere. The rest of the time she's just mean.

Today I made an effort to tell her quite clearly that she's nothing like me ("I know, I figured that out a long time ago!" she said) so she won't feel she has to insult me constantly to differentiate herself from me.

I know it's a phase, but it's difficult to take, and makes life so unpleasant for our entire family. The other children (all male) are so much easier by comparison. I know all 13 year old girls are NOT like this. Does anyone have any tips for me, other than to not engage and wait it out?

[Anonymous]

During a time when she's in one of the good moods, talk to her about the bad moods and how what she says makes you feel. I was made fun of/bullied because of my mother's looks. It'd have made my day if she'd asked me to help her buy new clothes, let me do her hair, etc.

Keep reaching out. Ask if she'll go for a walk with you after school - physical activity where you're not face to face is often helpful. Watch at least 1 tv show she watches religiously, so you can talk with her about it ('do you think Farrah's right in asking Debra to watch Sophia?'). Just keep trying. She may hate you now but this is just a few years and then she'll be through it and you'll have decades together.

[Anonymous]

You're right, all 13 year old girls are not like this. But some are. All those hormones at once can have a crazy effect on some teens like your DD. It will pass. In the mean time, you have to set boundaries. DD may be going through a transition period but she has no right to make the rest of your family miserable. If my DD were insulting me and yelling at my family, I would take away privileges. If your DD is throwing a bratty fit, tell her you will not take her to a friends house or you won't take her to the mall. My DD went through an angry patch around 14 too, and she spent most of her time in her room watching not at all age appropriate movies (American Psycho? What?!?) One of my only successful coping methods was taking away the computer for long periods of time. I'm sorry you have to go through this op, but it will probably clear up fast.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't have to like you, but she needs to Respect you and all the family - no raising her voice, no insults. Otherwise privileges are taken away - no going out, no allowance, no media.

I remember being quite critical of my mother's looks as a teen, but I never raised my voice or insulted her. My mother and father would not have tolerated it for one second!

[Anonymous]

I often have to remind my 13 yo that if she wants me to treat her like the adult she's becomng, she needs to act like one. One thing I won't tolerate is backtalk. I tell all my kids that they can think something nasty all they want but I don't want to hear it come out of their mouths. The old adage "if you can't say something nice, don't asy anything at all" has never been more true! If she hurls insults I would simply remind her "I'm your mother and I won't deal with that disrespect. Come back when you can be civil." and walk away. Bad attitude earns zero rewards no matter what she wants. She wouldn't speak to her friends that way (or she'd have none!) so don't stand for it toward yourself or any other family member.

[Anonymous]

She has to be civil all the time or you do not facilitate the rest of her life. It is a basic, basic expectation not to be abused by a family member.

Have this discussion when things are OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I often have to remind my 13 yo that if she wants me to treat her like the adult she's becomng, she needs to act like one. One thing I won't tolerate is backtalk. I tell all my kids that they can think something nasty all they want but I don't want to hear it come out of their mouths. The old adage "if you can't say something nice, don't asy anything at all" has never been more true! If she hurls insults I would simply remind her "I'm your mother and I won't deal with that disrespect. Come back when you can be civil." and walk away. Bad attitude earns zero rewards no matter what she wants. She wouldn't speak to her friends that way (or she'd have none!) so don't stand for it toward yourself or any other family member.

OP here. I agree this is good advice, and I have tried very hard to put this in place, but so far it has not worked. My DD just screams whenever she feels like it, and later says she's sorry. She writes me charming notes, and she hugs me every night before she goes to bed and tells me she loves me. She can be totally wonderful, and I think she's starting to realize that her charm is something she can use to get things she wants from me. DH does not put up with it, and ends up yelling at her, taking a ZERO tolerance attitude. I can't do that because I'm a SAHM, and I have to deal with her so much more than DH does. I'm in menopause and am very tired, so these arguments with her are exhausting to me. I can't take too many of them, and yes, I often leave just to get away from her, but often what I have to do (if I'm driving the kids, for example) is ignore her and wait until her sanity returns.

But I'd prefer to have a more civilized relationship with her, and stop all the insults, which I laugh off usually, but when I do, she gets incensed and tells me I'm a horrible mother and I ruin everything! There's no winning in this situation, so I usually retreat until she's calmed down. It's hard to believe, but she was never like this before age 13. She really was (and is) an amazing, wonderful, generous, sweet child, but hormones have bent her into a different animal.

[Anonymous]

Two things. (1) you are too enmeshed with your DD. I had this problem as well. You are riding her emotional waves because you are used to being so connected to her. This is extremely taxing on you. if you can afford therapy for yourself, this would be really helpful so you can work through ways to establish some emotional boundaries. To some extent, she is doing the developmentally necessary task of separating from you. It isn't pretty, but it is probably the healthiest things long term.

(2) she may have a mood disorder. Sometimes when the hormones kick in things like anxiety or depression kick in with them. And emotional volatility, anger can be signs of this. I would again suggest a therapist for yourself to sort this out and maybe a conversation with your DD's pediatrician. You might also consider taking her to a child psych for screening.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous poster who said that you have to set boundaries. You say " I have tried very hard to put this in place, but so far it has not worked. My DD just screams whenever she feels like it, and later says she's sorry". What did you try? Did you try grounding her? Taking away the computer? You have to give her some real punishment, and you can not rescind this punishment if she says she is sorry. She has to know that there are real consequences to her behavior that can not be overturned with a smile and a hug. Believe me: she will respect you more if you stand up for yourself. Nobody likes a middleaged woman doormat.

[Anonymous]

OP, we all go through this to some extent with our teen daughters. Your case sounds extreme to me. I agree with another pp that there may be more going on with your DD. I think I'd insist that she talk with someone and try to deal with her mood swings. You still have 5 years before she's off to college. . . .

[Anonymous]

To give you some perspective, I was a horrific teenage. I shudder looking back on it. Not sure why, no emotional issues, I was just a bitch.

My mother and I are very close now - but ages 13-17 were hell.

When I told my mom I was having a girl, she laughed and laughed.

[Anonymous]

Try reading reviving Ophelia, not that it would be a huge help, but it does kind of summarize growing up in today's world, it can be extremely scary and confusing

[Anonymous]

I'm a bit leery of the tough mom big punishments approach. Sure she needs to be responsible for her actions but what if these mood swings are not 100% in her control? Then in some way she actually may not be responsible for her behavior. During a good time, get her to commit to work on the issues.

[Anonymous]

I was also a brat from 13-14 through 15-16. Was embarassed to just have parents, full of hormonal teen angst, thought my parents didn't understand me at all and were sooooo out of touch, I remember being horrified and angry and embarrassed by their (perfectly normal parental) behavior. No emotional issues or problems or any good reason to explain why I was like that at 13, but I was.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is you I am worried about. I think you need to focus on building up more of your life, interests and marriage. If you are not so emeshed with DD she won't have to attack you as hard (not excusing it but is sounds like you use her for companionship and to meet your emotional needs). Therapy that focuses on YOU, not DD, some weekend trips with your DH, maybe a PT job could all do wonders to rebalance your family dynamics. You need to have more of a core YOU and better boundaries so she can be her own person. The way she manipulates you and how NEEDY you are for it, that you even acknowledge it, says that things are not right in you and your marriage and life. That is where your focus should be. Your emotional needs being met by her is not healthy for anyone. Work on those things and I'm guessing her behavior will be a LOT less extreme.