Amazing DD has become a monster at age 13

[Anonymous]

Is she your only child OP? What is your plan to develop more of your own life/interests as she grows up and will be gone in a few years?

How does your husband respond when she treats you poorly in front of him?

If she can play you and play you off against each other to this degree your family is not in a good place.

She can't be your friend for a long time now OP. She needs to grow up and become her own person. You need to be strong enough in yourself and have enough other people and interests in your life that her growing away isn't so destabilizing for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's always been very close to me, a real 'mommy's girl,'

Yes, yes, I know, I know, she's at that age, she needs to separate from me, blah blah blah, but does it have to be this way? So painful, so difficult? /quote]

YES. Especially since you have maybe been overly close.

Find some adult friends to do those things with.

Spend more time with your DH and sons.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Interesting to read the responses.

I don't think I'm too close to my DD, or dependent on her, but yes, I do think it's harder for her to establish her own identity when she's been so close to me for so long.

I don't think she's depressed or anxious, but she did just change schools, so that may be stressing her out, although she says it's not.

I have taken away privileges, sleepovers, visits to friends, buying her things, trips to the mall, computer, etc. but it doesn't seem to make a long-lasting effect on her behavior.

DH was yelling at her this morning for her sassy mouth. He will not put up with it, whereas I ignore it and don't respond. She also fights ferociously with her brothers, and then a few minutes later will be playing amiably with one of them. I will try talking with her about it when I'm calm and she's in a good mood. Usually I talk with her about it when she's done something to make me angry, so the conversations never go well.

DD never has been my "friend." She's my DD and I'm her mother, and I've never depended upon her for anything. But I was used to her cheerful nature. Now her incessant crankiness is wearing me out. She'll only be home for a few more years, and I want to figure out how to make those as pleasant as possible.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the screaming and walk away. Next time she wants something---and she will---tell her nope. State tha you do things for people that act civilized, and since she can't, you are very sorry, but she has to stay home. This goes even if it is something she HAS to do like sports. If it isnt a private school, there is a bus or she can walk.

I had two girls and a boy. The boy was an angel. The girls---oh hell no. I still have to laugh thinking about the you gear apologizing somewhere around 15 for being a 13 year old.

[Anonymous]

I've been reading a book called "The Explosive Child" to deal with a different problem (7 year old DS who goes into furious rages), but it recommends a "cooperative problem solving" method that it says works for all children. Basically, it recommends figuring out "triggers" (situations that are reliably likely to lead to confrontations) and sit down with the child to come up with a plan, at a time when you both are calm. You should look at the book or website about "cooperative problem solving" to get the steps right, because there's some art to it. I don't know if it will work in your situation, but so far I've found it very helpful.

Good luck. I feel your pain - my oldest is only 9, but the preteen moodiness is already starting!

[Anonymous]

Setting aside the hormones issue, is it possible that something negative's happening or has happened in your DDs life that you're not aware of?

Second, she's being seriously rude and disrespectful. The comments you shared are just unacceptable. All teens go through hormone issues, not all of them behave so disrespectfully to their parents. Your tolerating her disrespect isn't good for her development - you need to establish boundaries for her own good so that she can learn to interact with people in appropriate ways. I hope you get the guidance you need so that you can help her. The teen years are difficult, sure, but they don't have to be a battleground.

[Anonymous]

I have good conversations with my daughter when she's in calm moods. I have told her that when I see her being nasty to siblings and sometimes physical (pushing, etc) I worry that she is not responsible for her actions and therefore I cannot in good conscience recommend her as a babysitter. Granted it's an exaggeration and she's a fine sitter (I know she exerts her power on her younger brother simply because he's the one person she can dominate. She's not like this with friends.) but I want her to see that her actions go beyond our house. I have told her that I worry she will say these comments to other adults when she's at a friend's. Of course she immediately says she would never do that to which I ask why she then feels it's okay to do it to me. You cannot be a doormat. You MUST insist on civility and a measure of respect from your child at the very least.

Your daughter sounds like a good kid on the whole. Clearly she's going through lots of mood swings and she probably feels safe letting her anger out on you because you ignore/laugh/put up with it. But remind her that you are human and you have feelings too. Just as you would never belittle her, she should do the same. If she wouldn't say it to another adult, she should not be saying it to you.

[Anonymous]

Try the book "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! How to Love Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind." http://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Teen-Crazy-Without/dp/0936197447/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346776974&sr=1-1&keywords=yes+your+teen+is+crazy

I read about it first on DCUM when my daughter was 13 a couple years ago. I'm not sure how much I was able to successfully use the advice, but at least it validated I wasn't alone with these issues.

From Publishers Weekly:
Bradley, a psychologist drawing on current brain research, argues that teenagers are basically nuts. While 95 percent of the brain develops in early childhood, the most advanced parts aren't completed until adolescence is nearly over. As a result, teens can appear unstable, dysfunctional and unpredictable, with temporarily impaired judgment and decision-making processes. In addition, Bradley argues, contemporary culture further challenges teens' thinking capabilities; the prevalence of sex, drugs and violence makes the teen's job of cognitive balancing even more precarious...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Interesting to read the responses.

I don't think I'm too close to my DD, or dependent on her, but yes, I do think it's harder for her to establish her own identity when she's been so close to me for so long.

I don't think she's depressed or anxious, but she did just change schools, so that may be stressing her out, although she says it's not.

I have taken away privileges, sleepovers, visits to friends, buying her things, trips to the mall, computer, etc. but it doesn't seem to make a long-lasting effect on her behavior.

DH was yelling at her this morning for her sassy mouth. He will not put up with it, whereas I ignore it and don't respond. She also fights ferociously with her brothers, and then a few minutes later will be playing amiably with one of them. I will try talking with her about it when I'm calm and she's in a good mood. Usually I talk with her about it when she's done something to make me angry, so the conversations never go well.

DD never has been my "friend." She's my DD and I'm her mother, and I've never depended upon her for anything. But I was used to her cheerful nature. Now her incessant crankiness is wearing me out. She'll only be home for a few more years, and I want to figure out how to make those as pleasant as possible.

OP, you sound very reasonable and like you have a good head on your shoulders, and a good idea what's going on. As with a lot of things, you just need to keep trying things to see what works. No one here really has a clue, as you can tell. Try to go with your instincts, and see what will work. It sounds like you're doing a great job so far.

It's very hurtful to go through this, so try to shield yourself emotionally as best you can. Even if the next few years are rough, be assured that down the road your formerly sweet daughter will emerge eventually.

[Anonymous]

PP here. The only piece of advice I'd really give is to re-iterate what this PP said:

You MUST insist on civility and a measure of respect from your child at the very least.

[Anonymous]

I think you and DD need to sit down (when she is in a good mood) and discuss boundaries and respect. This respect will go both ways and tell her that as she grows and shows you she can handle responsibility, she can earn it (such as privacy, etc.)

Other than that, is there stuff you guys can do together that she would be into? Maybe if you had a weekly or bi-weekly activity (pedicures, coffee, movie, tv show) that you did together, you would only be in her business when it really mattered, as a parent, and not a friend.

When she insults you, tell her she's crossed that respect boundary and you're not going to talk to her until she's ready to calm down. This goes both ways. No yelling from you.

[Anonymous]

Try "Get out of my life but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall"
http://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/0374528535

I found it very helpful and very nicely written. (Funny thing is, my almost 13-year-old DS found it and read it as well, and then wanted to discuss it as well).

Good luck-- just keep reminding yourself it's a phase, and there is probably little you can do, just be patient. it sounds like your daughter is very loving toward you when she is not in her monster phase.