After both of your parents are gone: any lessons learned?

[Anonymous]

I'm not 50 yet but thought I might get more answers on this forum. Both of my parents are now deceased, my father many years ago and my mother recently. I took care of both of them when they had aggressive cancers. I am still in shock that my mother passed away and I'm strugging with my new place in the world. I have to settle an estate which feels surreal. I'm wondering how those of you who have been there have coped. I think I need grief counseling but I'm not sure where to go. The hospice counseling is on the phone only and I think I need something more. My children are having a hard time with their grandmother's passing since they were close to her. I'm not sure where to get counseling for them. Do school counselors deal in that? I don't have any friends who have lost both their parents yet and many of them still have both parents. If my mother comes up in conversation, they seem uncomfortable so I drop it. How long after you lose your mom do you start feeling normal again? Looking for some words of wisdom from those who have BTDT. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. I lost both of mine in my late 20s, and also cared for my mother through cancer. Be glad your mother and children knew each other; mine never did. The thing that helped me most was developing a mother daugher type relationship with my mom's sister. She never had her own children, and she and her husband became surrogate grandparents to my kids when they were born. When she died of cancer a few years ago I think I felt the loss even more acutely in some ways because we shared love for my boys. Is there anyone in your life with whom you might develop a similar relationship over time? Or at least a more mature woman at work or in your place of worship whom you can look to for advice and solace? Any chance of a closer bond with your mil? (there wasn't for me) No one can fill your mother's shoes, but if you reach out to other older women, maybe keep in touch with some of her friends who loved her, you will find some solace and enrich your own life and theirs. Hope this helps a little. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in a similar situation. My mother died when I was in my teens. I became very close to my mother in law later on -- in many ways she was a mother to me, and my kids were very close to her. My father is alive but we're not close. Losing my MIL was a wake-up call. I've felt like she was sort of a final barrier between me and death. I guess I'd say I feel somewhat bereft without her. I'm not sure if this is how you feel, but I think this is a right of passage we all go through as we get older and our parents age and pass away. My MIL died 6 mos ago and I'm still not fully used to it, but I think it's getting a little better. I think it could help for your to talk things over for a few sessions with a therapist, or otherwise to join a bereavement support group. I've had some therapy around my own loss issues and it definitely helped me. Best wishes to you!

[Anonymous]

PP, It was nice to hear your reflections on your MIL. Many people do not get along with their MIL's. So this was refreshing.

I adore my MIL too, and I am in awe of her parenting and grandparenting. I have learned so much from her. The most impressive thing is that she has never corrected me, or made suggestions, or done anything but consider me a great mom for her grandkids and a great wife for her son. I am so far from perfect, but she is so accepting and loving.

the day she passes will be one of the hardest days for me. I am so blessed. My friends don't understand the depth of my love for her.

[Anonymous]

Highly recommend the book "Midlife Orphan" by Jane Brooks.

I've lost both parents and my mother in law and found the book very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Time.

My dad had a heart attack when I was 34. My mom died in a car accident when I was 40. It's mostly a time thing. Getting the estate settled helps a lot.

[Anonymous]

Hi to all you who suffer. I lost my father when I was 20 in 2008, from a heart attack. He was only 59. It's been hard, as you can all atest. We were close (he said I was his favorite). When Mom or anyone else talks about him, I just shut it out. It's really hard to think about him, or look at any of his pictures. Now, I am in Speech in college and have to give a speech on a life-changing experience. I chose Dad passing, because I have not faced the whole ordeal yet. I could not even bring myself to go up to his casket and stand with the rest of my family at his funeral. I figure, if I can bring myself to give this speech and talk about how his passing was good for me and what I learned from it, I could finally move on. So, God bless to all of you. And may He give you all peace.

[Anonymous]

OP - I really feel for you. I am in my late 40s and have lost both my parents. It still feels unreal to me. My father passed 1 month before my twins were born, and my mother passed in March. I'm not coping well and I feel very lost without them - especially my mother. I used to be close to my only sister, but she has been pulling away from me after my mom passed, so I feel like I am also morning that loss also. Like you, I feel like I am searching for my new normal and new place in the world.

I don't have any answers for you, but, have you looked into the grief meetings sponsored by your local hospice? My mom passed in the Casey House, and they send me lots of literature about various support groups that I have seriously been considering going to.

I wish you peace....

[Anonymous]

OP, do not drop it. Tell your kids that not only is it okay to talk about somebody who's died, but that it's a great way to keep their memory alive, by sharing stories about them. A person's death should not be a taboo subject.

::steps off soapbox::

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not drop it. Tell your kids that not only is it okay to talk about somebody who's died, but that it's a great way to keep their memory alive, by sharing stories about them. A person's death should not be a taboo subject.

::steps off soapbox::

Agreed. First off, I am sorry for your loss. I remember when my mother died, my dad had gone first, my brother and I just looked at each other and said we are now the oldest generation. Scary. As for your children, yes, let their school counselor know if you haven't. Some of them may do grief groups, if not, they can at least talk to them individually and/or give you referrals if you feel they need more. Help them pit together a memory book about her, it will help process what happened and will be a way to remember the good times. A wonderful book for explaining death is Lifetimes. It speaks to how everything has a beginning and an end, and in between is living. Beautiful pictures, beautiful message.

[Anonymous]

Do seek out people who have lost one or both parents. I found that we had much to share and that they were very willing to listen and talk. Kind of a private club you can only enter one way. But one that is there for you if you just ask.

[Anonymous]

http://wendtcenter.org/

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand how you feel. It's incredibly disorienting to lose your last parent. My mother died when I was young, and my father died a decade ago. I still forget my father is gone, and I actually talk to my mother sometimes, even more than 30 years after she died. I don't think you ever lose that connection to your parents. I miss them both very much, and wish they were here to get to know their grandchildren.

I think you can count your blessings, first that your mom had time to get to know your children. Please encourage your children to talk with someone they trust about your mother. You should also. Don't try talking to your friends who have never lost a parent. They can't possibly understand. Find someone who can help you get through this, a counselor of some sort. I wouldn't go to a grief group, but that's me. I'm sure it can help. Counseling over the phone can't be very helpful, but it's probably better than nothing.

I'm sorry, I'm not being very helpful here. You will feel better in time, but it takes about a year before you begin to right your ship, so to speak. In the old days people in mourning wore black or at least black armbands for a full year after the loss of someone close to them. I think it's a custom we ought to bring back.

Dealing with my dad's estate was very painful, and ended up causing a rift with my brother, which added another loss to grieve. Focus on what you have, and not on what you've lost. You had your mom for many years, and you are lucky in that. You will feel better in time, but it's a loss you'll never "get over." You'll just learn to live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not 50 yet but thought I might get more answers on this forum. Both of my parents are now deceased, my father many years ago and my mother recently. I took care of both of them when they had aggressive cancers. I am still in shock that my mother passed away and I'm strugging with my new place in the world. I have to settle an estate which feels surreal. I'm wondering how those of you who have been there have coped. I think I need grief counseling but I'm not sure where to go. The hospice counseling is on the phone only and I think I need something more. My children are having a hard time with their grandmother's passing since they were close to her. I'm not sure where to get counseling for them. Do school counselors deal in that? I don't have any friends who have lost both their parents yet and many of them still have both parents. If my mother comes up in conversation, they seem uncomfortable so I drop it. How long after you lose your mom do you start feeling normal again? Looking for some words of wisdom from those who have BTDT. Thanks!

I lost my mom at 26, and it took me about 10 years to feel 'normal'. In the meantime, I also lost my dad. At 39, I still cry when I see their pictures. It's a tough and lonely place, as virtually none of my friends had the experience at the time.

[Anonymous]

Parentless Parents is also a helpful book on this issue