After both of your parents are gone: any lessons learned?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your loss. I did loose both of my parents before turning 40. Very hard. It is a wake up call, I am the next generation to die. I think that is the scariest thing of all. I have young children and it terrifies me to think I may leave them motherless. I pray nightly that I at least live until they are adults. It is very difficult to loose anyone you love. I would seek grief counsel. It is out there and it will help. Time does heal all but it sometimes is slow in coming.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP -- so sorry for your loss. Someone said it takes time and that is true. But, it's also true that it's hard to replace the love of your parents. Take it one day at a time and one step at a time. Reach out to other folks. Some people benefit from therapy -- others just try to find new ways to occupy their time and to give/get love. You'll find your way with the help of friends. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Read Proof Of Heaven by Eben Alexander. Helps a lot. Very short.

[Anonymous]

it's OP. I missed the restart of this thread, but appreciate the recent posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 36 now, but lost both parents before I turned 30. My mother was ill for 10 years and passed when I was 22, then my father got diagnosed with lung cancer 7 years later and passed away 6 months after being diagnosed; I was 29 then. There are no "lessons" per se, but it definitely does change your perspective on life and what's important. I am also very single and never had children, so the lonliness is definitely very real and the pain is sometimes unbearable. I found this posting of yours while searching online today for some type of comfort because I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart. I was hit with the thought of "my parents are gone and I will never see them again!" as soon as I awoke, and have been perpetually crying all morning. No matter how many years pass, the grief is still there and it appears it always will be.

OP here. I am just seeing this note. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you will go to a grief group even though it's been a long time. It is unusual to lose both parents before thirty. I hope you also join a social club and get out doing fun things to try to deal with the issue of loneliness.

[Anonymous]

My dad just passed away on Feb 12th, and it hasn't really sunk in that he's gone. He lived in NJ, and we're in Alexandria, so there's always been a distance. I can't bear tHe thought his things going to strangers, so we're renting storage. Ugh, I know ow you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents lived into their eighties, unhappily married but too risk-adverse to make a change by getting divorced. 60 years is a long time to be with someone ill-fitted to you. My mother clung to us when we tried to separate as young adults and two of my siblings never did. I would rather they had gotten divorced in their 40's, 50's or even 60's while they still had so much of their lives left to live. It made it hard for us kids to launch our own lives knowing they were lonely and miserable without us.

Same here: Free at last!

[Anonymous]

I lost my father 6 years ago, and my mother last week. They both passed away from very aggressive cancers. I was both of their caretakers in the end, I can't fight this so empty feeling I have inside, even though I have a wonderful husband, and two great kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, It was nice to hear your reflections on your MIL. Many people do not get along with their MIL's. So this was refreshing.

I adore my MIL too, and I am in awe of her parenting and grandparenting. I have learned so much from her. The most impressive thing is that she has never corrected me, or made suggestions, or done anything but consider me a great mom for her grandkids and a great wife for her son. I am so far from perfect, but she is so accepting and loving.

the day she passes will be one of the hardest days for me. I am so blessed. My friends don't understand the depth of my love for her.

I adore this. This is how I want to be someday. I want to be remembered fondly.

My MIL is all about appearances, and extends more kindness to distant, distant, distant family than her own small grandchildren. Awful. She was bitter well before I came along, so there is nothing I can do about it. My mere presences only makes it worse, since we are so different. She is cold and acts in an unwelcoming manner. I loved your story, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my father 6 years ago, and my mother last week. They both passed away from very aggressive cancers. I was both of their caretakers in the end, I can't fight this so empty feeling I have inside, even though I have a wonderful husband, and two great kids.

I'm so sorry. I lost my dad to cancer 17 years ago and my mom shortly before that. It does get better, but I still miss them often and wish they could have met my daughter.

[Anonymous]

I was 31 when my dad died and 37 when my mom passed. My kids knew them because I had my kids young. I did not know my own grandparents because my parents had me in their 40's.

It is physically painful sometimes when I think about how much I miss my mom--dad too.
I am now 42 and have questions about the mid life changes and no mom to ask. The holiday season makes me depressed. I held dad's hand as he passed and watched him take his last breath. I made the decision to take mom off life support and she passed 4 days later. The crying slows down but the empty feeling never vanishes. It is like having a hole in your soul.

[Anonymous]

No lessons except learning to live with it. The ache never goes away. Lost my Dad 14 years ago, my mom 7.

I can't say that I notice it on a daily basis anymore, but I've gotten used to a world that is less bright.

My parents' absence is always there. I'm used to it, but I have never 'gotten over it'. Something fundamental is missing, and that is just my life now.

I thank god for my daughter, being a parent is a gift and brings me so much joy.