After both of your parents are gone: any lessons learned?

[Anonymous]

Having lost both parents, I can tell you that I never felt more alone than when my second parent died. I don't think people who haven't gone through that can fathom how it feels to be without a living parent. I had several coworkers who'd been there, and their support was helpful, especially when they told me that they too felt so alone at the time. Likewise, I've been able to support a few other people who've suffered the same loss in the past few years. I also agree with the PP that it's a loss you learn to deal with, and time does help with that.

Take care, OP.

[Anonymous]

Time. I lost both parents in my 30's and didn't have my own kids until I was in my 40's. While it still hurts, time has been the best thing. I agree with reaching out where you can for parental type relationships. I formed very close bonds with friends of my parents that still last. I wish you peace as you go through this process.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you all for sharing your stories, I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to mention that tomorrow I'm headed to my FIL's funeral. In the past 9 mos we've lost both of DH's and one of my parents. What a year!

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm sorry for your losses. We lost my MIL (to whom I was very, very close) and my mother within two weeks in September.

Terribly sorry. Terribly sad.

I feel very alone.

[Anonymous]

PPs, our condolences.

[Anonymous]

Wow. My father abandoned me when I was 9 and my mother pushed me out the door at 17. It is interesting to see how much a part of people's lives parents can be. Guess I missed out.

[Anonymous]

I was 32 when I lost my dad, 49 when I lost my mother, that's been 6 years. I struggled more losing Mom, her being last one. We got closer her last few years.

Mom still had 2 sisters I stayed in touch with a lot. That helped. They both died within a month of each other about 4 years later. I stay in touch with their kids as much as I can.

Please get an attorney to settle the estate. I did a lot of that myself & it's a big job. I didn't do it very well & wish I'd sought an attorney 1st thing. I did get one later. He was good but would have been better letting him do it from start. That gives you more time to grieve, a necessary thing to do. Get kids to help go through her things. You can tell the stories behind every picture, etc. Spend some nights there while you do stuff. The familiarity is a comfort. You will somehow feel her presence there. Give the kids some of her things. Visit with friends & neighbors there as you can & reminisce old times. It all helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. My father abandoned me when I was 9 and my mother pushed me out the door at 17. It is interesting to see how much a part of people's lives parents can be. Guess I missed out.

The adults screwed that one up, not you. Adults can and do make bigger messes than kids. If not married yet, seek a spouse with good & loving parents. They can be the next best thing. Treat their son or daughter well and see how they pull you into the fold. My father had a lousy father & good mother. I'm sure he felt lost when his mom died & maybe relief when his father died. But he loved my mom's parents & considered them his own family.

[Anonymous]

My parents lived into their eighties, unhappily married but too risk-adverse to make a change by getting divorced. 60 years is a long time to be with someone ill-fitted to you. My mother clung to us when we tried to separate as young adults and two of my siblings never did. I would rather they had gotten divorced in their 40's, 50's or even 60's while they still had so much of their lives left to live. It made it hard for us kids to launch our own lives knowing they were lonely and miserable without us.

[Anonymous]

I am 36 now, but lost both parents before I turned 30. My mother was ill for 10 years and passed when I was 22, then my father got diagnosed with lung cancer 7 years later and passed away 6 months after being diagnosed; I was 29 then. There are no "lessons" per se, but it definitely does change your perspective on life and what's important. I am also very single and never had children, so the lonliness is definitely very real and the pain is sometimes unbearable. I found this posting of yours while searching online today for some type of comfort because I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart. I was hit with the thought of "my parents are gone and I will never see them again!" as soon as I awoke, and have been perpetually crying all morning. No matter how many years pass, the grief is still there and it appears it always will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, It was nice to hear your reflections on your MIL. Many people do not get along with their MIL's. So this was refreshing.

I adore my MIL too, and I am in awe of her parenting and grandparenting. I have learned so much from her. The most impressive thing is that she has never corrected me, or made suggestions, or done anything but consider me a great mom for her grandkids and a great wife for her son. I am so far from perfect, but she is so accepting and loving.

the day she passes will be one of the hardest days for me. I am so blessed. My friends don't understand the depth of my love for her.

This is EXACTLY how I feel about my MIL. She never once corrected me, made a suggestion, or implied that I was anything but the perfect wife for her son. I am far from perfect. I love her to the depths of my being and am choking up just typing this. She has dementia now. I sit and hold her hand. That is the way I thank her.

I know what kind of MIL I want to be--- because I learned from her.

[Anonymous]

Most hospitals have facilitated grief support groups. They are on a drop-in basis. You don't have to go forever. But they are a great place to tell your story and get support. And get a referral for a good bereavement counselor.

[Anonymous]

A year really helps. Something about the seasonal cycle coming again despite this huge loss does help. Both my parents gone, mom at thirty, dad twenty years later. Do talknto anyone you know off who has lost both. They will be glad to share in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having lost both parents, I can tell you that I never felt more alone than when my second parent died. I don't think people who haven't gone through that can fathom how it feels to be without a living parent. I had several coworkers who'd been there, and their support was helpful, especially when they told me that they too felt so alone at the time. Likewise, I've been able to support a few other people who've suffered the same loss in the past few years. I also agree with the PP that it's a loss you learn to deal with, and time does help with that.

Take care, OP.

Yes, I've lost both parents and have found that its is nearly impossible for people to relate if they have not lost either parent. But more and more friends are starting to lose theirs, also, in the past few years.

Unfortunately, well- meaning friends will say insensitive things sometimes. Upon losing our last parent (between husband and I), someone told me that they were lucky to still have all 4 parents living. I was speechless. Not what you want to hear when your last parent has just died!