"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Majority of divorced people come here and post about all the red flags they didn't see or chose to avoid.

It doesn't mean their parents were divorced.

Not specifically divorce, all red flags that were there but ignored to settle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Majority of divorced people come here and post about all the red flags they didn't see or chose to avoid.

It doesn't mean their parents were divorced.

And obese parents can have healthy weight offspring.

It’s an odds thing.

Obesity is generational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe so many of you have taken the side that this makes sense. It's so judgmental. I am not the same person as my mother. I'm a competent adult with my own thoughts and values and I make my own choices. If you're not competent enough to do the same, then you make a bad partner whether or not your parents are married or divorced. It's inane that I would be judged based on my parents' choices (and my parents aren't divorced, just saying this hypothetically). If you judge me based on them, then good riddance to you, I dodged a bullet.

What if cancer runs in someone's family? Would you not marry them because either your kids might get cancer on the early side, or they might get cancer and you'd become a widow/widower? I don't agree with this either but it actually makes more sense because cancer is actually something that's genetic that you can't control. Choices are under your control, assuming you're mentally healthy to start with.

I don't see so many agreeing. It is a judgement based on statistics. It's not even a huge discrepancy in statistics. Clearly people need to see others as individuals and not percentage points of likelihood to do something or not.

I think the thing here is that the PP (above this last one)who is feeling “judged” is taking it personally as though the guy is saying she isn’t “worthy” of dating bc of her parents’ divorce. And I get where anecdotally it feels icky and offensive if you fall into that group bc you totally could make a different choice than your parents and get married and stay married! But as this PP pointed out, statistically, if the goal is to make sure you stay married, it’s a better bet to date a girl whose parents are not divorced. That’s just a fact.
It’s like it you want your kids to grow up going to church just like your family did, then statistically you should aim to date and marry someone whose family also went to church every week. Doesn’t mean that there aren’t people who are converts after having kids OR who go to church even though their parents didn’t! It just means that if you want to better your odds at being a church-going family, you marry someone whose family of origin already shares that as a valued norm and practice.
No need to get offended. There are always exceptions. And maybe that fiancé missed out on dating some great girls...but he set the parameters based on statistics, not on you (or anyone else) personally so that he could heighten the odds of achieving his no-divorce goal.

Too many words. Is the goal a happy marriage, or not getting divorced? Those are two separate things. Avoiding potential partners whose parents who are divorced does nothing to further the goal of a happy marriage as far as I can tell.

+1. This is the only response that matters. Do you want and intact marriage or a healthy marriage?

Ideally, you should want both, not enjoying the happy times then getting out of marriage as soon as you hit a rough patch or find a better option.

[Anonymous]

No offence, but I would not want DD to date someone from a divorced family.

Usually single parent families are dysfunctional and this imprints on the kids one way or the other.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of people from intact marriages who play the field and have no interest in getting married. I guess if you have all the options in the world, be picky and then pick someone who meets all of your critera, but I have a feeling this statistic needs to be redone in light of the digital age. Otherwise, there wouldn't be sites like "are we dating the same guy?" You would be able to trust better whether the person was healthy by their parent's marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No offence, but I would not want DD to date someone from a divorced family.

Usually single parent families are dysfunctional and this imprints on the kids one way or the other.

And you are on the relationship site because?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s parents would never dream of divorcing. Especially now in their 70s when their only hobby is hating each other.

Awesome response. My parents are “celebrating” 50 years of marriage next year. They dislike each other and bicker constantly. OP l think a better question would be to ask how important it is that your dating partner has a loving supportive family. That can come from a single parent, extended family, etc.

[Anonymous]

This post is from 2021. Just FYI. Did you get married OP?

This is one of those situations where of course I think he's a close minded jerk. But no one should be with someone they don't want to be with and when choosing romantic/life partners you really should figure out what you want and go for that so you don't subject another person to being thought of as a disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds mean to say it out loud (and so most people don't do so), but if you are looking for a long happy marriage, it makes sense to pick a spouse whose family modeled those skills. If you are just looking to date and have fun, there is no need of course. My parents were happily married until my mother's death and so were DH's parents (until one of them passed) and this wasn't something I considered when we got married, but in retrospect, it makes sense that we both fell into the model we had been shown. I think someone from a broken home can have a great marriage, it just takes more conscious thought and effort.

+1, well said

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"if a woman’s parents divorced, her odds of divorce increased 69%, while if both a husband and wife’s parents divorced, the risk of divorce increased by 189%."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/201902/if-my-parents-are-divorced-is-my-marriage-doomed-fail?amp

!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH’s parents would never dream of divorcing. Especially now in their 70s when their only hobby is hating each other.

Awesome response. My parents are “celebrating” 50 years of marriage next year. They dislike each other and bicker constantly. OP l think a better question would be to ask how important it is that your dating partner has a loving supportive family. That can come from a single parent, extended family, etc.

This!

I think the kids of divorced parents can sometimes be more aware of what can cause a marriage to end in divorce and more careful about who they marry. My sibling and I, who have divorced parents both have had long marriages and never been divorced. My spouse, whose parents have been married had a previous marriage/divorce and also has a sibling who has been divorced. However both me and my spouse have loving and caring extended families and we have similar values/priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

Did this myself. I think it is legitimate. But who cares if you don't? Do what you believe.

[Anonymous]

It’s a fair dealbreaker, as any dealbreaker is fair ultimately.

In my experience, all the guys I dated who were products of broken homes had some trauma surrounding it, a strained relationship with at least one parent, and problematic views on home life. Whereas although DH’s parent died tragically when he was young, he did not come with the same baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just like hereditary diseases, there is a higher chance of people with emotional trauma, physical abuse, alcoholism, divorce, infidelity, bankruptcy etc to bring more emotional burden to their relationships.

Is it a given? No, obviously not. Is it likely? Unfortunately yes.

There was a recent study concluding that couples who have friends who divorce have a 75% increase in the risk of their own marriage ending. Why wouldn't a family history of divorces increase their chances of divorce? Even if they are consciously trying not to, subconsciously, they may mess up unless they went through effective therapy to overcome it.

You know the difference between correlation and causation, right?

If you don’t, there are certain types of people who are more likely to divorce. And people who are friends usually have things in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offence, but I would not want DD to date someone from a divorced family.

Usually single parent families are dysfunctional and this imprints on the kids one way or the other.

And you are on the relationship site because?

My father molested me and it was a horrific experience. My mom totally should have stayed married, that way we would have avoided the dysfunction of a broken home.

See how this works OP? If you want to marry someone so closed minded, be our guests. But don’t be surprised when your fiancé starts saying he doesn’t think you should be friends with democrats, blacks, the middle class…. On and on. Because people who have such black and white thinking about marriage have black and white thinking about other things as well.