"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"

[Anonymous]

Researchers have been aware of the connection between a parent’s divorce and a child’s divorce for nearly a century, says Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah. Further, as Wolfinger found after he started studying the subject in the 1990s, people with divorced parents are disproportionately likely to marry other people with divorced parents—and couples in which both partners are children of divorce are more likely to get divorced than couples in which just one person is.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/divorced-parents-marriage/590425/

[Anonymous]

"researchers have some ideas about why divorce would be heritable. One theory is that many children of divorce don’t learn important lessons about commitment. “All couples fight,” Wolfinger explains. “If your parents stay together, they fight and then you realize these things aren’t fatal to a marriage. If you’re from a divorced family, you don’t learn that message, and [after fights] it seems like things are untenable. And so you bounce.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"researchers have some ideas about why divorce would be heritable. One theory is that many children of divorce don’t learn important lessons about commitment. “All couples fight,” Wolfinger explains. “If your parents stay together, they fight and then you realize these things aren’t fatal to a marriage. If you’re from a divorced family, you don’t learn that message, and [after fights] it seems like things are untenable. And so you bounce.”

This is such simplistic reasoning that it’s honestly bordering on offensive for people who leave marriages because of abuse, adults, coercion, addiction, or any other number of deal breakers. I feel like most of the responders here are probably super conservative and have their own very traditional understanding about how life ought to be lived. To each his own.

[Anonymous]

Well, you two are getting married so unless your parents are divorced, what do you care? I mean, marriage is forever right?

I can’t figure out why you’re posting, unless he’s said other things that give you pause. He’s right to be thinking of the implications of divorced parents, and if he’d like to have a hard and fast rule, that’s fine.

What will cause you two bigger problems is if you disagree on how to treat the divorced people you know, especially the friends of any kids you may have. Believe me, it will come up and it may do so in ways you don’t expect.. like a divorced kid will get a pet over at Dad’s house, then go to mom’s house and argue “see Mom, Sally left her cat at Dad’s house, if we got a cat, we could still spend a week at the beach 2 days after coming home with the cat” or “Two of us want a sleepover, but divorced kid can’t be there, what do we do” or “see if divorced kid is signed up for soccer with us” only to have divorced kid’s mom say she doesn’t know and divorced kid’s dad say he isn’t sure…” I literally had that conversation with both parents of a divorced kid we know, in other words you can’t always treat the parents of a divorced kid the way you would treat the mom or dad of a still married family, and it’s difficult to explain this to an elementary schooler, asking Sally’s mom or dad won’t always work the way you think it will. I also had the same kid over at my house, both girls wanted to hang out here, mom was mad about it but Dad was the one who brought the kid over, didn’t tell me how mad mom was, I only found out when I texted mom to see if she wanted her kid to have dinner with us or if she wanted to come get her kid now, but Mom also wouldn’t come get her kid, dad didn’t want to cave into mom, and no, I had no idea who’s custody time it was, and the kid didn’t seem to know when I asked her. It mattered because I could have easily brought her home, but I didn’t know which house, apparently when it’s Dad’s day, kid had better not see mom or talk to mom or look at mom, but if it’s mom’s day, Dad can and does turn up. It’s very confusing to figure out. All she knew was she was at my house and she was happy. I finally had to text both parents and say “This house is going to bed, your kid can spend the night here” and that motived one of them, I can’t remember which one to come get their kid. Note, the parents were the biggest problem, the kid was fine in all this. I also had a divorced mom accuse me of kidnapping her kid when she’d sent me many texts asking me to pick up her kid from an activity and then didn’t tell me she could get her herself. I had the text log and call log, and the mom actually said “It wasn’t me”. To this day, I wonder if she may have been on drugs. I’m not qualified to judge that, but it was odd enough that I do still wonder. I nearly swore off divorced friends after that, it was scary, she was nasty, and I had helped this woman a bunch mostly with childcare at her request while the divorce was ongoing. She’d call or text and say she was worried she’d loose her job, could I please watch her kid, or she had to meet with a lawyer could I please watch her kid, and I was fine with it until that day even though her kid got nastier and nastier as the divorce progressed, mean to my other kids, just an unpleasant situation. I’ve also had divorced dads ask inappropriate things, nothing sexual, but things like “just take my kid to sports practice along with your kid” except their kid isn’t signed up for the sport, or “just wait in the park for me to come back” um, no, I’m not going to wait in the park for you to get back, nor will I leave your kid alone in a park”. I dealt with those issues, but it could have gotten ugly and ended an otherwise good friendship between our kids, and to be clear, I’ve never had a married parent do any of these things.
Really though, op as with everything pay attention, and know that you don’t need his permission to divorce should you want or need to. You two are smart to be talking about this now, and you can end the engagement if you’d like. I personally find the attitudes and logestics very difficult to deal with and it’s worth keeping those in mind.

[Anonymous]

Well luckily you two have found each other so the rest of the dating world can avoid you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Researchers have been aware of the connection between a parent’s divorce and a child’s divorce for nearly a century, says Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah. Further, as Wolfinger found after he started studying the subject in the 1990s, people with divorced parents are disproportionately likely to marry other people with divorced parents—and couples in which both partners are children of divorce are more likely to get divorced than couples in which just one person is.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/divorced-parents-marriage/590425/

People repeat patterns experienced in childhood, often painful ones. That's why a man whose father cheated, is more likely to cheat and one whose parents divorced is more likely to divorce.

[Anonymous]

More likely. Not foolproof. Unfortunately, I married into a family of no divorces myself or my ex-husband and he cheated the entire marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"researchers have some ideas about why divorce would be heritable. One theory is that many children of divorce don’t learn important lessons about commitment. “All couples fight,” Wolfinger explains. “If your parents stay together, they fight and then you realize these things aren’t fatal to a marriage. If you’re from a divorced family, you don’t learn that message, and [after fights] it seems like things are untenable. And so you bounce.”

This absolutely resonates and makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

Having a blanket rule about this is stupid because you don’t know WHY people’s parents are still together. My parents were married until dad’s death and yet my dad was a huge philanderer. But because my mom is very religious she didn’t feel that she should divorce. Although I do think that I would have seen a lot less of my dad if they had divorced which I can see your point there maybe. But then again I have a friend from hs whose parents split literally 50/50 custody (like one would get him after school on Wednesday-so the week was split etc).

Similarly my spouse’s parents are still married and his parents are an absolute shit show. One is abusive and the other basically bankrupted the family by being unable to hold a job. My DH is super committed to staying together at all cost whereas if someone cheated on me or was abusive I would absolutely divorce. so people do react differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

I won't date a guy who doesn't exercise regularly, is shorter than me, doesn't have an advanced degree, or doesn't want children. Judge away, at least he knows what he wants.... oh, divorced parents is like an orange flag for me - something to be cautious about but not a show stopper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Researchers have been aware of the connection between a parent’s divorce and a child’s divorce for nearly a century, says Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah. Further, as Wolfinger found after he started studying the subject in the 1990s, people with divorced parents are disproportionately likely to marry other people with divorced parents—and couples in which both partners are children of divorce are more likely to get divorced than couples in which just one person is.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/divorced-parents-marriage/590425/

My parents are an exception. They stayed unhappily married because they didn't want to divorce like their parents.

I think the study shows that if parents make bad life decisions, then they raise kids that make bad life decisions. Marriage is a life decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Soon there won't be anyone to marry as they are all not financially independent, coming from intact families, or just having much experience in a family environment or this country. Make whatever criteria you want. Just don't be sad when you don't have kids because you waited too long or don't have a partner who shares your interests because of a resume.

Right.... we should lower our standards to fit society's conventional ways. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been thinking about this. DH and I have come from a culture where people did not used to divorce. As the couples grew older they sort of made peace with their situation and of course put their kids first. Both DH and I came from intact and functional families and this has allowed a lot of the business of living to go on despite some extreme ups and downs in the families.

My kids are grown. Here is what I have told them - 1) don't marry a child of divorce, 2) don't marry a person who has addiction and genetic mental illness and 3) once you marry, don't have babies unless you have lived together for a few years. People show you who they are and you should believe them. Addiction, abuse and adultery cannot be tolerated, and children tend to mimic what they see in their homes.

Great advice! I'm from the WASP culture and say the same things to my kids.

[Anonymous]

I would not like my son to marry a girl who did not have a mother. Or had a stepmom.

[Anonymous]

He's seems very judgemental.