I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Well, this thread is illuminating.

You are nothing unless you work. SCREW THE KIDS.

And if you work and spouse doesn't, then you are KING. Spouse can beg for scraps. No matter that she's caring for YOUR TWO KIDS and all the other house stuff. MONEY IS EVERYTHING, AND ONLY THE PERSON MAKING IT COUNTS.

Got it.

Signed, WOHM

Indeed. I love the geniuses telling OP to just go get a job. Yeah, because egomaniacs who get off on being KING are eager to see their wife elevate her household power.

Why do you think think he is acting like an egomaniac? For all you know OP is a lazy ass woman that doesn’t want to work. There are plenty of women in DCUM that profess working is for losers.

Except that they have two small children. And taking care of them is, you know, a JOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Well, this thread is illuminating.
You are nothing unless you work. SCREW THE KIDS.

And if you work and spouse doesn't, then you are KING. Spouse can beg for scraps. No matter that she's caring for YOUR TWO KIDS and all the other house stuff. MONEY IS EVERYTHING, AND ONLY THE PERSON MAKING IT COUNTS.

Got it.

Signed, WOHM

Indeed. I love the geniuses telling OP to just go get a job. Yeah, because egomaniacs who get off on being KING are eager to see their wife elevate her household power.

Why do you think think he is acting like an egomaniac? For all you know OP is a lazy ass woman that doesn’t want to work. There are plenty of women in DCUM that profess working is for losers.

Except that they have two small children. And taking care of them is, you know, a JOB.

Which millions of women are capable of doing and you know WORKING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Well, this thread is illuminating.

You are nothing unless you work. SCREW THE KIDS.

And if you work and spouse doesn't, then you are KING. Spouse can beg for scraps. No matter that she's caring for YOUR TWO KIDS and all the other house stuff. MONEY IS EVERYTHING, AND ONLY THE PERSON MAKING IT COUNTS.

Got it.

Signed, WOHM

Indeed. I love the geniuses telling OP to just go get a job. Yeah, because egomaniacs who get off on being KING are eager to see their wife elevate her household power.

Why do you think think he is acting like an egomaniac? For all you know OP is a lazy ass woman that doesn’t want to work. There are plenty of women in DCUM that profess working is for losers.

Except that they have two small children. And taking care of them is, you know, a JOB.

The problem is not all women earn enough to pay for child care out of their income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This exact scenario is exactly why I will always work.

Because your DH is an a$$ who doesn't value his marriage too?

No, because I never want to be put in a position whether it be because of divorce, death or other scenario where I am left reliant on someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is why I'm on Team DH. Parents invest in their children with some expectation of filial love and an ongoing relationship. It doesn’t always turn out that way…but that is the expectation. That expectation doesn’t exist for stepparents, so I don’t understand why people seem to think this stepdad should be financially responsible for his wife's son from her first marriage. $100, $10...it doesn't matter. It's the principle. The law doesn’t see stepparents as financially responsible…and I hope that more stepparents will start to be smart and set boundaries like OP's DH has. The son has two parents, and OP's husband isn't one of them.

I'm a step parent. Give step dd $500/semester for fun money outside of her meals. Will do the same for younger kids. My parents did the same for me. Don't understand the issue here.

Just because you're so generous, doesn't mean that every other stepparent has to be like you. It's really like money flying away when you could be putting it towards vacation, retirement etc.

We have money for vacations and retirements. I probably spend more on lunches out at work in a month than what step dd gets for the semester. Having a little extra isn't going to hurt our income or spoil her.

[Anonymous]

I side with your husband. He works so it is his money to control. Put the kids in daycare and get a job of your own to support your adult son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is at an intense college and I'd like to send him modest amounts of money because his debit card is practically empty and I don't want him working and getting in over his head academically. My DH said he has a shelter and a meal plan and needs to get a job for extra spending. My DH says he has colleagues at work whose kids work 20 plus hours per week, play sports, and go to college. He believes my son has too much free-time and is being lazy, and I'm trying to enable him with DH's money.

Maybe I missed the answers that other asked before

1 - did son ask for money? This is a lot of fuss being kicked up if he didn’t even ask. In some ways I respect it more if he was prepared to make do and live within his budget.
2- what was son’s understanding of his spending budget if he volunteered part-time this summer? Did he plan to work over the holiday or a few hours on campus to make up the money, planned to live off half the money, or assumed you would send him money? Intentions matter. If he assumes you would send him money, I’m sort of team DH. If son had a plan, let him execute it. What’s the new phrase, being a lawnmower parent where you knock all possible obstacles out of the way before your child gets to learn by trying and correcting mistakes him/herself.
3 - what’s the real deal why DH is upset? Would he absolutely take the same hardline with your daughters when they go to college and won’t pay for sorority dues and/or send a monthly allowance? Or was it something situational that got him upset. Like for example, if my DH offers to drive carpool - and he often does, it’s fine but if I volunteer him without discussing and agreement (and perhaps negotiation like well if you drive Thursday, why don’t I take this weekend) - the whole thing is poison because of the way it went down. At that point not only does he not want to do it, but from the outside you would say “he doesn’t want to drive his kids to activities” when that isn’t the real story.

Finally as to how to miove forward you need to be blunt with DH and figure out if it’s situational or you just have really different world views. Address the situation/underlying issue if it’s really not about giving an allowance.

If you just see the world differently, since I’m more similar to your DH about spending money I can tell you the two paths that would work with me is either suggesting a one time holiday gift that includes cash or suggesting some sort of matching funds like whatever he earns over the holiday break let’s match it up to x or the extra stuff he wants to buy over break lets’s pay half up to x. With a one time holiday gift, the person isn’t dependent on it like a monthly allowance and there is no expectation that I can work less during the summer and expect a monthly allowance to make it up- no guarantee of what you get as a gift the next year. With the matching funds/ pay half the person has skin in the game/sweat equity. Maybe they make different spending decision because it is part their own money or they work more hours because the incentives are set up to encourage working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I side with your husband. He works so it is his money to control. Put the kids in daycare and get a job of your own to support your adult son.

Marriage is a partnership and regardless of the incomer earner it is family/household money. If she is not a high earner, it will cost her far more to put two kids in day care than it would for him to give $100-200 a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I side with your husband. He works so it is his money to control. Put the kids in daycare and get a job of your own to support your adult son.

Marriage is a partnership and regardless of the incomer earner it is family/household money. If she is not a high earner, it will cost her far more to put two kids in day care than it would for him to give $100-200 a month.

Many of my guy friends resent that their wives are low earners precisely because they insisted on stepping out of the job market when the kids were born and never really made an effort to stay competitive. So yeah, 8 years later they can only make $28k a year and conveniently for them, it doesn't make sense to ever really go back to work. The DHs are pissed with this outcome but are kind of stuck now.

[Anonymous]

OP is so entitled. Tell your ex to give your son money instead of trying to leech off your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is why I'm on Team DH. Parents invest in their children with some expectation of filial love and an ongoing relationship. It doesn’t always turn out that way…but that is the expectation. That expectation doesn’t exist for stepparents, so I don’t understand why people seem to think this stepdad should be financially responsible for his wife's son from her first marriage. $100, $10...it doesn't matter. It's the principle. The law doesn’t see stepparents as financially responsible…and I hope that more stepparents will start to be smart and set boundaries like OP's DH has. The son has two parents, and OP's husband isn't one of them.

I'm a step parent. Give step dd $500/semester for fun money outside of her meals. Will do the same for younger kids. My parents did the same for me. Don't understand the issue here.

Just because you're so generous, doesn't mean that every other stepparent has to be like you. It's really like money flying away when you could be putting it towards vacation, retirement etc.

We have money for vacations and retirements. I probably spend more on lunches out at work in a month than what step dd gets for the semester. Having a little extra isn't going to hurt our income or spoil her.

+2

$1000 a year is very little for this board. Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is why I'm on Team DH. Parents invest in their children with some expectation of filial love and an ongoing relationship. It doesn’t always turn out that way…but that is the expectation. That expectation doesn’t exist for stepparents, so I don’t understand why people seem to think this stepdad should be financially responsible for his wife's son from her first marriage. $100, $10...it doesn't matter. It's the principle. The law doesn’t see stepparents as financially responsible…and I hope that more stepparents will start to be smart and set boundaries like OP's DH has. The son has two parents, and OP's husband isn't one of them.

I'm a step parent. Give step dd $500/semester for fun money outside of her meals. Will do the same for younger kids. My parents did the same for me. Don't understand the issue here.

Just because you're so generous, doesn't mean that every other stepparent has to be like you. It's really like money flying away when you could be putting it towards vacation, retirement etc.

We have money for vacations and retirements. I probably spend more on lunches out at work in a month than what step dd gets for the semester. Having a little extra isn't going to hurt our income or spoil her.

+2

$1000 a year is very little for this board. Wtf.

+3. Starbucks money. Can’t believe how mean spirited people are here. Oh wait. It’s DCUM

[Anonymous]

To the above PPs...it all adds up. What goes to the stepson could instead go to his bio daughters.

[Anonymous]

To the above PPs...it all adds up. What goes to the stepson could instead go to his bio daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Well, this thread is illuminating.

You are nothing unless you work. SCREW THE KIDS.

And if you work and spouse doesn't, then you are KING. Spouse can beg for scraps. No matter that she's caring for YOUR TWO KIDS and all the other house stuff. MONEY IS EVERYTHING, AND ONLY THE PERSON MAKING IT COUNTS.

Got it.

Signed, WOHM

My husband works, I don't. I control all the money.

LOL... no, you don't. He let's you think you do.

One five minute change of bank account info with his HR department and you'd be SOL.