Two spouses: a play
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Yes. This is how this works. My nanny and I both read the email (although she reads them more often), and then she tells me to buy the green sweater or lets me know that she bought the green sweater. At that point, I say “thank you! I really appreciate it!” or something similar. I don’t say, “you are creating make-work that doesn’t need to be done” or “why are you stressing about this when there are more important problems in the world?” I don’t ask her if she is accusing me of neglecting my children. I don’t tell her that I am the point person on something else, that I am working just as hard as she is or any of the other BS in this thread. I acknowledge that it’s a real task, that it takes time and a certain skill that I do not have, and that I appreciate her doing it. It’s honestly not that hard. |
Anonymous
Yes. I know very many couples who provide their children with the medical attention they need, and in stressful times during the holidays, can de-prioritize and exclude tasks like a new dress of a certain color for caroling at an elderly home. |
Anonymous
In what world does caring if the right color shirt is worn equate to not caring about health? Do you prioritize anything in your live or is everything an emergency no matter how big or small an issue? That's quite a ridiculous leap of logic based on nothing. |
Anonymous
Didn’t work the first 4-5 years. Ask him to step up, do this or that, he’d say Yes, then not do it. 3-5 gentle reminders. Nothing. 6th reminder he’d explode. I read that Passive Aggressive Male book, all spot on. He’d rage, explode, stonewall, threaten divorce, hide at work, temper tantrum, hide in screens, say he was tired at 6pm, etc. Zero normal comms or conflict resolution with that type. He quit therapy after being told to take a 12 step anger mgmt class or DBT year. He was first told to baby step things and start greeting each family member in the morning. He didn’t. He was then told to read all his Gmail & personal emails only on Thursday nights. (He never read them or responded to me or others if work or his personal friends- related). He didn’t. So yeah, you want your 5&7 yo hanging out with that? He has ignored all of us since 2017, now we ignore him back. So yes, those are the two bad options: Divorce or Do everything & let him tag along. Meanwhile kids get smarter, stronger, older, more independent and see him for exactly what his is. And yes I work fulltime. We both do and each make very good money. Keeps me sane and good perspective. Btw, a nanny, cook and cleaner simply cannot sub in for a real parent who parents, or a house manager, health IDer, tutor, therapist for the kids. They don’t have the owner operator mentality or the skills and have their own problems to deal with. |
Anonymous
Why not your husband? Probably because he would not entertain this waste of time back and forth so you foist it on the nanny who you pay to listen to you do things inefficiently because you don't delegate well. |
Anonymous
I don’t know. What I gather is that some people are so afraid to admit that they are wrong and so desperate to perpetuate this fiction that the “mental load” is made-up garbage that they are really twisting reality. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
The dad doesn’t read emails from the school. He doesn’t care. He won’t know if the kid needs a book ordered for literature class, or a bagged lunch if there’s a field trip, or if there’s a tshirt to wear that day or for a concert, or if there’s a half day, or whatever. He doesn’t care and he also doesn’t care that he dumps everything on his spouse and kids- who hopefully don’t have phone and laptops every day 3-9pm. Teachers have stories galore or Doofus Dads not following directions and their kids get left out. Or Doofus Dads emailing them them what to do instead of reading the various emails saying what to do. They treat their kids teachers like a personal secretary. Only dads. Too lazy to read messages or search them. |
Anonymous
Sounds like divorce and child support would be better then, all he focuses on is his paycheck. Divorce courts know what to do with that at least. And it would give 50/50 so he’d maybe get to know his kids and their needs more— if he didn’t get his new GF or old mom or whatever sitter he can quickly find to care for his kids. Sounds good! |
Anonymous
What things? What do we need? Who figures that out? Not me. I don’t care. Nobody cares. Details schmetails. |
Anonymous
Troll |
Anonymous
Paid help can take a significant load off of a parent and family. |
Anonymous
But this right here would cause the kids to step up. A kid in a literature class is old enough to tell their parent they need the book. Coddled kids expect their parents to do everything and take no responsibility. The dad in your scenario is actually expecting more of his kids and not just blindly doing everything for them. I have 3 kids and I can't remember everything they need all the time so they have learned to remind me and take ownership of making sure these things are happening if they are important to them. Otherwise it's just way too much to keep track of and most of it is just noise and not that important. My youngest would definitely remind me of needing a brown bag lunch and he will have memorized the teachers instructions that everything has to be disposable, only 1 bottle of water, write the name in Sharpie, etc. |
Anonymous
My dad worked fulltime and could tell when someone needed to go to the doctor and made the appt or took us to urgent care asap. It’s about paying attention and caring for a person. All action words. |
Anonymous
If you read the linked article, you will see that these men are not a dime a dozen, and in fact they don’t exist at all. Underemployed men don’t tend to spend their time doing things for their families. Since you seem to be part of the problem here, saying that you would never date a man who is “underemployed” and seem to think that men have no value to their families outside of paid work, I would just like to hear your reasoning. |