My wife is furious with me for not standing up for her when my brother told her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife?

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.

+1

Spouse is spoiled, and knew the deal before she married about how the family perceived the step kids. It is no surprise, and she is acting like an entitled brat. It is not OP's kids, it is OP's step kids - step kids are different - in most families - that is just the way it is. We may not like it, that is just how it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife?

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.

I don't mean disown your sibling. I always thought when you get married though you are forming your own immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. You are no longer living with your sibling your spouse and any children you may have become your immediate family.

I was responding to the posters who were saying that a brother should be put ahead of the wife because that's his brother. Well that's his wife.

Nobody is saying put the brother first but the wife has undermined the husband and gone behind his back to make a ludicrous demand of his brother. OP doesn't have to support his wife over his brother when she's in the wrong just because they are married. Wrong is wrong. The only people defending the wife have to be step mothers who want to pretend their blended families are exactly the same as families where everyone is biologically related. One big happy family, right?

I mean yeah what's wrong with wanting one big happy family. Again with needing to be biologically related nonsense to be a family. Blood and biology doesn't mean anything when it comes to love. What about adopted kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, you OP have responsibility to protect relationship of your daughter with her blood aunt or uncle and not let money grabber greedy stepdaughter mess it up

Right because blood is automatically always more important than your relationship with your spouse...

I would definitely put my daughter before my spouse who was trying to drive a wedge between us. Spouse is easily replaced.

I'm not referring to the daughter I'm referring to his brother. Why does he owe his brother loyalty over the woman he chose to marry??

Everyone here seems to say his relationship with his brother is more important than his relationship with his wife. Your wife is now your immediate family and after marriage your siblings become extended family

Think it through, if you shut down the trips with the loving aunt and uncle you risk alienating the daughter. It's all related. OP has only been married 6 months and the wife is pulling the bait and switch. She knew about these trips, and now she's trying to change the rules to her benefit. I wouldn't jeopardize my relationship with my daughter for a duplicitous spouse.

6 months or 60 years you are still married just the same. Don't marry someone with kids if you put your relationship with your brother over the relationship with your step kids.

You know marriages can be ended with divorce, right? The daughter is forever the spouse is not.

I'm talking about the brother. You should owe your wife and children a little more than your sibling

Mmkay. Then the BROTHER is forever. The spouse is not.

I'm so shocked everyone on here thinks the brother should be more important than your own spouse. Do you create a family with your sibling? Did you make vows with your sibling? You literally create vows with your spouse not your sibling. Once married you are creating your own nuclear family and putting them first.

Would you expect your own spouse to put their sibling ahead of you just based on principle that they are your sibling?

Those vows are worth nothing. They are dispensed with when they are inconvenient. You don’t need vows with siblings because they remain your sibling no matter what. Same with parents.

Considering the OP and his evil wife were both previously married, it is laughable to talk about “vows to put them first”.

So you still think his brother should be more important than his own wife?

When she's a conniving shit stirrer, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, you OP have responsibility to protect relationship of your daughter with her blood aunt or uncle and not let money grabber greedy stepdaughter mess it up

Right because blood is automatically always more important than your relationship with your spouse...

I would definitely put my daughter before my spouse who was trying to drive a wedge between us. Spouse is easily replaced.

I'm not referring to the daughter I'm referring to his brother. Why does he owe his brother loyalty over the woman he chose to marry??

Everyone here seems to say his relationship with his brother is more important than his relationship with his wife. Your wife is now your immediate family and after marriage your siblings become extended family

It’s not about owing the brother loyalty, it’s that as a reasonable sane person you need to side with the reasonable sane person in a disagreement and not with the unreasonable insane one. Even if that unreasonable insane one is the woman you just made the mistake of marrying.

OP didn’t say it was a mistake to marry her and said that he was frightened at the thought of divorce.
If you want to stay married, you don’t take an objective stance on any argument your spouse is in. You just take their side.

If my husband hated his job and came home with plans to blow up the building he works in, Office Space style, I would take a look at the plan. I wouldn’t tell him that maybe the boss is right and the TPS reports were late. You just side with your spouse.

Then you would be a nut. A scary one.

Yeah, when people are only looking out for themselves, in a scenario like that, you side with reason. Period.

If my spouse employed his sibling, and the sibling sucked at what they did, had a terrible attitude, was entitled, and the majority of the company thought she was inept, the sibling would have to go. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, you OP have responsibility to protect relationship of your daughter with her blood aunt or uncle and not let money grabber greedy stepdaughter mess it up

Right because blood is automatically always more important than your relationship with your spouse...

I would definitely put my daughter before my spouse who was trying to drive a wedge between us. Spouse is easily replaced.

I'm not referring to the daughter I'm referring to his brother. Why does he owe his brother loyalty over the woman he chose to marry??

Everyone here seems to say his relationship with his brother is more important than his relationship with his wife. Your wife is now your immediate family and after marriage your siblings become extended family

Think it through, if you shut down the trips with the loving aunt and uncle you risk alienating the daughter. It's all related. OP has only been married 6 months and the wife is pulling the bait and switch. She knew about these trips, and now she's trying to change the rules to her benefit. I wouldn't jeopardize my relationship with my daughter for a duplicitous spouse.

6 months or 60 years you are still married just the same. Don't marry someone with kids if you put your relationship with your brother over the relationship with your step kids.

You know marriages can be ended with divorce, right? The daughter is forever the spouse is not.

I'm talking about the brother. You should owe your wife and children a little more than your sibling

Mmkay. Then the BROTHER is forever. The spouse is not.

I'm so shocked everyone on here thinks the brother should be more important than your own spouse. Do you create a family with your sibling? Did you make vows with your sibling? You literally create vows with your spouse not your sibling. Once married you are creating your own nuclear family and putting them first.

Would you expect your own spouse to put their sibling ahead of you just based on principle that they are your sibling?

Those vows are worth nothing. They are dispensed with when they are inconvenient. You don’t need vows with siblings because they remain your sibling no matter what. Same with parents.

Considering the OP and his evil wife were both previously married, it is laughable to talk about “vows to put them first”.

So you still think his brother should be more important than his own wife?

When she's a conniving shit stirrer, yes.

+1

Well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, you OP have responsibility to protect relationship of your daughter with her blood aunt or uncle and not let money grabber greedy stepdaughter mess it up

Right because blood is automatically always more important than your relationship with your spouse...

I would definitely put my daughter before my spouse who was trying to drive a wedge between us. Spouse is easily replaced.

I'm not referring to the daughter I'm referring to his brother. Why does he owe his brother loyalty over the woman he chose to marry??

Everyone here seems to say his relationship with his brother is more important than his relationship with his wife. Your wife is now your immediate family and after marriage your siblings become extended family

Think it through, if you shut down the trips with the loving aunt and uncle you risk alienating the daughter. It's all related. OP has only been married 6 months and the wife is pulling the bait and switch. She knew about these trips, and now she's trying to change the rules to her benefit. I wouldn't jeopardize my relationship with my daughter for a duplicitous spouse.

6 months or 60 years you are still married just the same. Don't marry someone with kids if you put your relationship with your brother over the relationship with your step kids.

You know marriages can be ended with divorce, right? The daughter is forever the spouse is not.

I'm talking about the brother. You should owe your wife and children a little more than your sibling

Mmkay. Then the BROTHER is forever. The spouse is not.

I'm so shocked everyone on here thinks the brother should be more important than your own spouse. Do you create a family with your sibling? Did you make vows with your sibling? You literally create vows with your spouse not your sibling. Once married you are creating your own nuclear family and putting them first.

Would you expect your own spouse to put their sibling ahead of you just based on principle that they are your sibling?

Those vows are worth nothing. They are dispensed with when they are inconvenient. You don’t need vows with siblings because they remain your sibling no matter what. Same with parents.

Considering the OP and his evil wife were both previously married, it is laughable to talk about “vows to put them first”.

You never answered my question of if you believe inherently a sibling always comes before a spouse based on principle that they are a sibling.

Besides I know quite a few estranged siblings so don't give me that but blooood nonsensical response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife?

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.

I don't mean disown your sibling. I always thought when you get married though you are forming your own immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. You are no longer living with your sibling your spouse and any children you may have become your immediate family.

I was responding to the posters who were saying that a brother should be put ahead of the wife because that's his brother. Well that's his wife.

Nobody is saying put the brother first but the wife has undermined the husband and gone behind his back to make a ludicrous demand of his brother. OP doesn't have to support his wife over his brother when she's in the wrong just because they are married. Wrong is wrong. The only people defending the wife have to be step mothers who want to pretend their blended families are exactly the same as families where everyone is biologically related. One big happy family, right?

I mean yeah what's wrong with wanting one big happy family. Again with needing to be biologically related nonsense to be a family. Blood and biology doesn't mean anything when it comes to love. What about adopted kids?

Uncle doesn't even hardly know these other kids. He doesn't have to treat a bunch of teens he doesn't know like his own niece. Blood is blood. If this was an adopted child he knew from birth it would be different. These teens have their own aunts, uncles, and other family members. Where are they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, you OP have responsibility to protect relationship of your daughter with her blood aunt or uncle and not let money grabber greedy stepdaughter mess it up

Right because blood is automatically always more important than your relationship with your spouse...

I would definitely put my daughter before my spouse who was trying to drive a wedge between us. Spouse is easily replaced.

I'm not referring to the daughter I'm referring to his brother. Why does he owe his brother loyalty over the woman he chose to marry??

Everyone here seems to say his relationship with his brother is more important than his relationship with his wife. Your wife is now your immediate family and after marriage your siblings become extended family

Think it through, if you shut down the trips with the loving aunt and uncle you risk alienating the daughter. It's all related. OP has only been married 6 months and the wife is pulling the bait and switch. She knew about these trips, and now she's trying to change the rules to her benefit. I wouldn't jeopardize my relationship with my daughter for a duplicitous spouse.

6 months or 60 years you are still married just the same. Don't marry someone with kids if you put your relationship with your brother over the relationship with your step kids.

You know marriages can be ended with divorce, right? The daughter is forever the spouse is not.

I'm talking about the brother. You should owe your wife and children a little more than your sibling

Mmkay. Then the BROTHER is forever. The spouse is not.

I'm so shocked everyone on here thinks the brother should be more important than your own spouse. Do you create a family with your sibling? Did you make vows with your sibling? You literally create vows with your spouse not your sibling. Once married you are creating your own nuclear family and putting them first.

Would you expect your own spouse to put their sibling ahead of you just based on principle that they are your sibling?

Those vows are worth nothing. They are dispensed with when they are inconvenient. You don’t need vows with siblings because they remain your sibling no matter what. Same with parents.

Considering the OP and his evil wife were both previously married, it is laughable to talk about “vows to put them first”.

You never answered my question of if you believe inherently a sibling always comes before a spouse based on principle that they are a sibling.

Besides I know quite a few estranged siblings so don't give me that but blooood nonsensical response.

If my spouse and sibling got into an argument and my spouse was wrong, I would tell them so and demand they apologize to smooth things over. IS that putting my sibling first? Because if that's the case then yes, when the spouse is wrong the sibling comes first. If my sibling wronged my spouse I would also ask them to apologize. Spousal status doesn't give anyone carte blanche to be a raging a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are people getting the idea that this was supposed to be on the BIL’s dime? The OP and his wife have separate finances. Why would the one instance where she would suddenly decide not to pay for her daughters be when an extended family member is taking them?

Because op said that his new wife can’t afford to pay for her kids’ colleges and that they’ll all need to get loans.

People who take out loans or get financial aid for college still take vacations. College tuition for three kids might literally be a million dollars.

OP said that they have separate finances and that she pays for her kids. Why would she expect her BIL to pay for her kids if she doesn’t expect her husband to?

[Anonymous]

My sister has a 16-year-old daughter who I am very close with. I take her on outings/excursions, though certainly not weeks-long international trips. I'm trying to imagine a world in which my sister remarried and I was expected to take her new husband's teenagers, who don't even live with her, on the excursions also.

Yeah, no. I will treat them equally in other ways and include them on whole-family vacations, mark their birthdays, give gifts on holidays, etc. It would be a given that a family invitation to my home included them. But, I wouldn't feel like I had to include them in one-on-one long-standing traditions I had with just my niece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a 16-year-old daughter who I am very close with. I take her on outings/excursions, though certainly not weeks-long international trips. I'm trying to imagine a world in which my sister remarried and I was expected to take her new husband's teenagers, who don't even live with her, on the excursions also.

Yeah, no. I will treat them equally in other ways and include them on whole-family vacations, mark their birthdays, give gifts on holidays, etc. It would be a given that a family invitation to my home included them. But, I wouldn't feel like I had to include them in one-on-one long-standing traditions I had with just my niece.

They do all live together.
And I think that the BIL was in his rights to say that this was a long standing tradition with his niece or that taking four teenage girls on a trip would seriously change the dynamic. That’s not what he said though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The wife was clearly and very obviously out of line to text the BIL.

I am so shocked though that so many people think the OP should put his brother first. They aren't children and this is his wife not his girlfriend. Your spouse besides your children should be #1. Why does he owe his brother more loyalty than his own wife the one he made marriage vows to. The one he makes life decisions with and wakes up every morning next to?

The only person I could understand him putting before his wife is his daughter because he helped to create her and she is still a dependent on her dad. His brother isn't any of those things. He is just another guy with most likely a family of his own. You get married and create your own nuclear family.

While the wife certainly shouldn't expect her BIL to treat her kids on an extravagant vacation she isn't out of line to expect that her kids do get treated equally within their own household.

My thing is OP stated himself that he has dated his wife for 8 years before he married her which would have made her kids young at the time the started dating. He should be familiar with these kids more than just a friend. That's how you view children you frequently babysit not your own step kids. When you marry someone with kids it is understood that you are to become a family. I'm not saying he has to love his step kids like his own daughter but certainly his wife and step kids should be on a higher pedestal then some brother of his.

You take care of your own family/ house hold first. When those kids are staying with him that is their household a marriage is a partnership.

Also yes divorce can happen but you don't put your brother over your wife in the order of priorities because she can possibly divorce you. If anything you should work harder at nurturing your relationship with your spouse because that's the person you are having or possibly creating a family with. Maybe that's why the divorce rate it so high because people don't grow up and continue to put other family members ahead of their spouse.

To all saying the brother is forever. Well maybe if more people viewed marriage that way it would be better. Also no I know plenty of people who don't talk to their own blood sibling either. My dad being one of them. So no blood and sibling doesn't guarantee forever either.

If my husband put his brother or anyone else besides our dependent child ahead of our marriage I would quite literally tell him to start sharing a bed with his brother, go live with his brother, while he is at it make vows to his brother.

I would expect my husband to laugh me out of the room and do the same if I wanted to preserve another relationship over our marriage and put it first.

His household consists of his daughter, his wife, and his stepkids while they are living there not his brother. His brother isn't his immediate family but rather extended family but his daughter and wife is so it's time to prioritize them and stop being so protective and concerned over his relationship with his brother a grown man that probably has a family of his own over preserving and protecting his relationship with his own wife.

+1000

Why do people act like he owes his brother something. What does he owe his brother over his own wife?

I agree with much of what you are saying, but I think most people would consider siblings “immediate” family. I mean I wouldn’t put my siblings above my spouse, but I’m also not going to disown my siblings over some clearly spouse shenanigans.

I don't mean disown your sibling. I always thought when you get married though you are forming your own immediate family and everyone else becomes extended. You are no longer living with your sibling your spouse and any children you may have become your immediate family.

I was responding to the posters who were saying that a brother should be put ahead of the wife because that's his brother. Well that's his wife.

Nobody is saying put the brother first but the wife has undermined the husband and gone behind his back to make a ludicrous demand of his brother. OP doesn't have to support his wife over his brother when she's in the wrong just because they are married. Wrong is wrong. The only people defending the wife have to be step mothers who want to pretend their blended families are exactly the same as families where everyone is biologically related. One big happy family, right?

DP.

I am not defending the wife.

But the real shocker here is that OP's brother told his wife that he did not like her children, and OP did not set his brother straight.

Yes, the wife is out of her mind, but so is OP's brother if he thinks it's okay to reply in that manner.

And OP is the real idiot here, coming here from some sympathy instead of drawing clear boundaries with his family, immediate and extended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where are people getting the idea that this was supposed to be on the BIL’s dime? The OP and his wife have separate finances. Why would the one instance where she would suddenly decide not to pay for her daughters be when an extended family member is taking them?

Because op said that his new wife can’t afford to pay for her kids’ colleges and that they’ll all need to get loans.

What?!?!? So it’s okay to ask an unrelated adult to take your three minor children on an international vancation bc they owe you that if you pay for it? Are you nuts??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious to know how OP would react if his wife the step mother wanted to treat just her biological children to a fun vacation.

Imagine if the wife/the step mother posted on here that she wanted to do a vacation with just her biological children and leave out her step daughter. Everyone on here would be saying she married this man knowing he has children and she should treat them like her own also calling her an evil step mother. But suddenly the tune changes when it involves 2 other men. Can't help but notice the misogyny and sexism at play here. Another man shouldn't be expected to take on a father like role and treat his step kids as one of his own but a step mother is expected to treat her step kids like her own or else she is the evil step mother. Hmmm...just sit back and smell the misogyny.

Omfg this isn’t the comparison. It would have to be his wife’s sister. And not just his daughter but THREE additional daughters. That’s a whole other room, three more plane tickets, possibly more than one car, huge $$$$ every meal and every ticket for everything. Have you ever planned a vacation in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has a 16-year-old daughter who I am very close with. I take her on outings/excursions, though certainly not weeks-long international trips. I'm trying to imagine a world in which my sister remarried and I was expected to take her new husband's teenagers, who don't even live with her, on the excursions also.

Yeah, no. I will treat them equally in other ways and include them on whole-family vacations, mark their birthdays, give gifts on holidays, etc. It would be a given that a family invitation to my home included them. But, I wouldn't feel like I had to include them in one-on-one long-standing traditions I had with just my niece.

They do all live together.
And I think that the BIL was in his rights to say that this was a long standing tradition with his niece or that taking four teenage girls on a trip would seriously change the dynamic. That’s not what he said though.

BIL reacted in the proper way to borderline/narcissistic behavior: shut it down in unmistakable terms. Of course that causes problems with other people whose MO is to appease the borderline/narcissist (like OP). Borderline will predictable then attempt to create a wedge. Now it’s up to OP to decide whether he wants to continue playing the appeasement game or not. One thing is true - he cannot force anyone else to appease who doesn’t want to.

Also, anyone who thinks the wife would have dropped the issue if BIL responded more politely is naive. She would have found ways to perpetuate the drama.