Please tell me I'm being ridiculous....MIL issue

[Anonymous]

Ok, please tell me I am being ridiculous here. DH and I are newlyweds and his mom and I get along very well. However, this situation is really, really bothering me and I just need someone to tell me to suck it up. So back story, his mom's side of the family is quite large, and for years they did not get along. Out of the 7 sisters that she has, only 1 was invited to our wedding and one of his 15 cousins (the son of the one sister). I had never met the rest of his family until about 5 months ago when his grandfather passed away. Since then, we have been invited to his cousin's wedding. While we like the cousin, his mom is the type who thinks everything is a slight against her and holds grudges (she is one of the main reasons MIL has not spoken with most of her sisters in years). DH and I are unable to attend the wedding because his best friend is getting married the same weekend, and DH is the best man. His aunt is BS about it and has been badmouthing us.

So here is where MIL is pissing me off. I was invited to the bridal shower (it is his cousin's fiancee). I do not know anyone attending as I've only briefly met the whole gang at the wake and funeral. I agreed to go to try to keep on good terms with his aunt since we are unable to attend the wedding. MIL and SIL were both supposed to attend the shower as well, so I would at least know two people and wouldn't be totally uncomfortable. Well, SIL just found out she'll be on call (surgeon) and may not be able to attend. No big deal, I understand as I'm an RN. However, MIL has decided she wants to go golfing with friends that day. I could understand if the friends were visiting or something, but no, they live in the same town but got a T time at a course and their other friends backed out. MIL told me this today. The shower is next weekend. DH says I should just send my regrets now, but honestly I feel like it is totally rude and disrespectful to only give one weeks notice. DH says its no big deal since I already bought a gift and could just send it in my absence. He also doesn't care if his aunt holds this against us/his mom because he's used to it. I don't see the point in giving her more ammo, and I also don't like people to dislike me over something that wasn't my fault.

So what say you all? Do I have reason to be pissed off at MIL? Should I just send my regrets and a gift even though it is a week away?

[Anonymous]

I would be pissed and I wouldn't go. I would still send the gift, however.

[Anonymous]

Go. You RSVPed that you would go, so really you should go. Even if you know no one, you can wing it for an hour or two.

Yes, it was incredibly rude of MIL, and put you in an awkward position, but you can't control other people, so you have to just do the best with what you have.

[Anonymous]

Just be a big girl and go. You will come off smelling like a rose. Just do it.

[Anonymous]

You need to relax. If you don't want to go, send the gift. You have to learn to stop trying to "be in good graces" with your DH's family. That is his job, and if he isn't interested, that is your "get out of jail free" card. Worry about your marriage and your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Did you agree to go to keep peace with MIL or with Aunt? I think you said aunt, so if I were you, I'd still go to the shower. I'd be mildly irritated with MIL, but hopefully you'll become closer with the other part of the family, so some good will come of it.

[Anonymous]

I would be ticked off at MIL but I would still go to the shower. You don't have to stay long but I would make an appearance. You might have fun. You certainly would help smooth over a rough family patch.

[Anonymous]

Time to go out of your comfort zone and try something new. It is good for you.

[Anonymous]

I would go. You look like the good relative, you'll have more fun than you think and there's bound to be at least one other person who knows no one else that you can talk to. And, if not, it's a couple hours out of your life that you spent trying to repair the deep rents in this sad-ass family.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go...who knows, you could have a blast. If not, it's only a couple of hours.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the posts. I was planning on sucking it up and going, and praying there was champagne there!! DH just wants me to do whatever will make me happy and not worry about his family. Typical guy, I don't think he quite understands how this stuff works when you're the outsider plus the woman trying to deal with other women.

[Anonymous]

Go because you RSVPed. Ducking out now without a really good excuse would be rude. (Your MIL was quite rude in this instance). You dug your own hole with that one.

The trick here is to stop digging yourself holes in the first place. Don't do things to make the crazy family member happy. She's bashing you for not attending the wedding? That's crazy behavior. She probably never will be happy, and your free time and resources are precious.

Now, if you think that you and DH will hang out with his cousin and wife in the future, that is another good reason to go.

[Anonymous]

If I were you I would go to the shower. I think it's totally reasonable to be annoyed with your MIL, but you should still go.

[Anonymous]

Go. It will be nice to have a chance to chat up some of your relatives without MIL hovering over. I remember once going to my dad's college friend's sisters wedding. My dad was supposed to go, but couldn't at the last minute. I went and had a blast; it was so great to hang out with all of his friends separately from him.

[Anonymous]

I would go and remember to tell everyone the real reason you won't be seeing them at the wedding - since oh yeah, your husband is IN the other one! Aunt will look like a toad for bashing you about something you have no control over, MIL will continue to look bad and like PP said, you will be smalling like roses for rising above the fray.

FWIW - my MIL hates FILs family. It burns her to no end that I accepted the olive branch they extended to me. They are nice people and I've enjoyed getting to know DH's aunts and cousins. They are just different from MIL and she's to superficial to get past that. I encourage you to reach out - don't let these two women control everyone.