My kids hate going to Dad's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

You don’t put kids in the middle. You are refusing for them to go. You take ownership. Kids don’t get to pick their parents.

At their age, kids do get to decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their parents.

If your child doesn't want to be around you, you can't make him.

If your child hates going to your house, you can't make him feel different.

You can only earn it.

No, they don't and its very easy for mom to convince kids that they don't want a relationship with Dad. You are probably the parent who did this. If Mom wants to be the only/sole parent, own up to it, go to court and terminate his rights and child support. If she is taking away his rights/time with the kids, he shouldn't have to pay for them. If kids get to choose not to see a parent, then the other parent who supports them should take full responsibility or if they are old enough to make adult decisions they can get a job and support themselves.

They have 50/50. It's just as easy for dad to convince kids that they love him. Why doesn't he? It's not like he has a day per month.

But OK. Let's take it through your eyes. Kids don't get to pick the parent. What would kids do if the parents were married and under one roof, and one parent was an asshole to them?

Talk back. Say mean things back. Refuse to talk and spend time with dad. I mean, the list goes on.

Maybe they should try that. I mean the ways in which teenage kids can ruin your day are an endless list. Kids don't owe you a good time with them.

[Anonymous]

What I would like to see happen is for the kids to go to a therapist with the dad and for the kids to talk about how the dad makes them feel and how that makes them not want to come over all the time, so that the dad has time to see and understand this. This is going to affect his relationship with his kids forever if he doesn't fix things.

Not sure the dad would do that. I wonder if the kids could watch a movie with the dad where the father is behaving similar to dad and talk afterwards about how that makes them feel? Anything to get the kids and dad talking together in an open way.

On the other hand, as the mom, I totally understand that it's not your job to facilitate this. I might talk to a lawyer to see what is possible in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At those ages, I would tell them they need to address that with their dad.

It sounds like dad wants more autonomy: he doesn’t want the kids tattling on him to you, and then having you step in and telling him how to parent.

So let him have that: he is wholly responsible for what happens at his house, and you don’t get involved. The kids can tell him why they don’t want to go over anymore, and he can have the conversation with them. It’s a good life skill for everyone involved.

Yes, welcome the neglect and abuse and tell the kids to as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

You don’t put kids in the middle. You are refusing for them to go. You take ownership. Kids don’t get to pick their parents.

At their age, kids do get to decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their parents.

If your child doesn't want to be around you, you can't make him.

If your child hates going to your house, you can't make him feel different.

You can only earn it.

No, they don't and its very easy for mom to convince kids that they don't want a relationship with Dad. You are probably the parent who did this. If Mom wants to be the only/sole parent, own up to it, go to court and terminate his rights and child support. If she is taking away his rights/time with the kids, he shouldn't have to pay for them. If kids get to choose not to see a parent, then the other parent who supports them should take full responsibility or if they are old enough to make adult decisions they can get a job and support themselves.

No, you don’t get to dodge your financial responsibilities to your MINOR offspring if you’re so unpleasant that they don’t want to be around you.

[Anonymous]

If you suspect abuse, call CPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

You don’t put kids in the middle. You are refusing for them to go. You take ownership. Kids don’t get to pick their parents.

At their age, kids do get to decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their parents.

If your child doesn't want to be around you, you can't make him.

If your child hates going to your house, you can't make him feel different.

You can only earn it.

No, they don't and its very easy for mom to convince kids that they don't want a relationship with Dad. You are probably the parent who did this. If Mom wants to be the only/sole parent, own up to it, go to court and terminate his rights and child support. If she is taking away his rights/time with the kids, he shouldn't have to pay for them. If kids get to choose not to see a parent, then the other parent who supports them should take full responsibility or if they are old enough to make adult decisions they can get a job and support themselves.

No, you don’t get to dodge your financial responsibilities to your MINOR offspring if you’re so unpleasant that they don’t want to be around you.

As a minor, you don't get to dictate who your parents are. If you want to make grown up decisions, then you need to be a grown up and financially support yourself. This is why kids behave as they do. They have one parent who encourages this behavior to meet their needs, kids have to pick sides and then those same parents complain why Dad will not pay extras or college as he's not that child's father anymore. You cannot have it both ways. If you are choosing to terminate a relationship with a parent or the other parent, then that person terminating the relationship needs to grow up fast and support themselves or the other parent support them. No more Dad should mean no more money.

[Anonymous]

50/50 custody is horrible for kids.

[Anonymous]

My dad was an abusive alcoholic who drove drunk with us and ruined our childhoods. My mom couldn’t do anything about it. I would get your kids therapy and be a safe haven.

[Anonymous]

At 16 they can legally make their own choices (I think).

My son's friend was able to do so at age 16 (in the courts).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

You don’t put kids in the middle. You are refusing for them to go. You take ownership. Kids don’t get to pick their parents.

At their age, kids do get to decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their parents.

If your child doesn't want to be around you, you can't make him.

If your child hates going to your house, you can't make him feel different.

You can only earn it.

No, they don't and its very easy for mom to convince kids that they don't want a relationship with Dad. You are probably the parent who did this. If Mom wants to be the only/sole parent, own up to it, go to court and terminate his rights and child support. If she is taking away his rights/time with the kids, he shouldn't have to pay for them. If kids get to choose not to see a parent, then the other parent who supports them should take full responsibility or if they are old enough to make adult decisions they can get a job and support themselves.

No, you don’t get to dodge your financial responsibilities to your MINOR offspring if you’re so unpleasant that they don’t want to be around you.

As a minor, you don't get to dictate who your parents are. If you want to make grown up decisions, then you need to be a grown up and financially support yourself. This is why kids behave as they do. They have one parent who encourages this behavior to meet their needs, kids have to pick sides and then those same parents complain why Dad will not pay extras or college as he's not that child's father anymore. You cannot have it both ways. If you are choosing to terminate a relationship with a parent or the other parent, then that person terminating the relationship needs to grow up fast and support themselves or the other parent support them. No more Dad should mean no more money.

Got it, so they have to pretend to like you in order for you to do what you’re legally supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

That’s a lot to put on the kids, if dad is hard to deal with. My mom made me keep going to my dad’s for visitation because we were all scared to stand up to him, OP. I am in my 40s, and I’m still a bit angry with her for never standing up for me. It might be irrational, because rationally I know parents get visitation. But on an emotional level I feel like it’s shitty that she got to move away from him but kept sending me back to him every other weekend, knowing exactly what he was like. It feels like she didn’t protect me.

Soooooo — don’t just leave it up to the kids. If they want to stop going to go less frequently, figure out a way to be their advocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

You don’t put kids in the middle. You are refusing for them to go. You take ownership. Kids don’t get to pick their parents.

At their age, kids do get to decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their parents.

If your child doesn't want to be around you, you can't make him.

If your child hates going to your house, you can't make him feel different.

You can only earn it.

No, they don't and its very easy for mom to convince kids that they don't want a relationship with Dad. You are probably the parent who did this. If Mom wants to be the only/sole parent, own up to it, go to court and terminate his rights and child support. If she is taking away his rights/time with the kids, he shouldn't have to pay for them. If kids get to choose not to see a parent, then the other parent who supports them should take full responsibility or if they are old enough to make adult decisions they can get a job and support themselves.

No, you don’t get to dodge your financial responsibilities to your MINOR offspring if you’re so unpleasant that they don’t want to be around you.

As a minor, you don't get to dictate who your parents are. If you want to make grown up decisions, then you need to be a grown up and financially support yourself. This is why kids behave as they do. They have one parent who encourages this behavior to meet their needs, kids have to pick sides and then those same parents complain why Dad will not pay extras or college as he's not that child's father anymore. You cannot have it both ways. If you are choosing to terminate a relationship with a parent or the other parent, then that person terminating the relationship needs to grow up fast and support themselves or the other parent support them. No more Dad should mean no more money.

That's easy to correct - I mean why doesn't dad stop acting like an asshole? Why doesn't he stop commenting on how much kids are costing him?

You said you don't get to dictate who your parents are. Actually, you don't get to dictate who your parents are no matter what your age. What you CAN dictate, though, is what kind of relationship you're willing to have with your parent. Kids are free to dislike their parents. They are free to hate their parents (many teenagers do!) They are free to feel pain their parents cause them. And they are free to express all of this toward the parent. And they are also free to feel distant from their parents. You cannot force your children to love you, and you certainly cannot buy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

You don’t put kids in the middle. You are refusing for them to go. You take ownership. Kids don’t get to pick their parents.

At their age, kids do get to decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their parents.

If your child doesn't want to be around you, you can't make him.

If your child hates going to your house, you can't make him feel different.

You can only earn it.

No, they don't and its very easy for mom to convince kids that they don't want a relationship with Dad. You are probably the parent who did this. If Mom wants to be the only/sole parent, own up to it, go to court and terminate his rights and child support. If she is taking away his rights/time with the kids, he shouldn't have to pay for them. If kids get to choose not to see a parent, then the other parent who supports them should take full responsibility or if they are old enough to make adult decisions they can get a job and support themselves.

No, you don’t get to dodge your financial responsibilities to your MINOR offspring if you’re so unpleasant that they don’t want to be around you.

As a minor, you don't get to dictate who your parents are. If you want to make grown up decisions, then you need to be a grown up and financially support yourself. This is why kids behave as they do. They have one parent who encourages this behavior to meet their needs, kids have to pick sides and then those same parents complain why Dad will not pay extras or college as he's not that child's father anymore. You cannot have it both ways. If you are choosing to terminate a relationship with a parent or the other parent, then that person terminating the relationship needs to grow up fast and support themselves or the other parent support them. No more Dad should mean no more money.

That's easy to correct - I mean why doesn't dad stop acting like an asshole? Why doesn't he stop commenting on how much kids are costing him?

You said you don't get to dictate who your parents are. Actually, you don't get to dictate who your parents are no matter what your age. What you CAN dictate, though, is what kind of relationship you're willing to have with your parent. Kids are free to dislike their parents. They are free to hate their parents (many teenagers do!) They are free to feel pain their parents cause them. And they are free to express all of this toward the parent. And they are also free to feel distant from their parents. You cannot force your children to love you, and you certainly cannot buy it.

If as a mom, you are advocating terminating the relationship with Dad, you need to take full financial and all other responsibility. If you believe a child is capable of making those decisions, great, help them get emancipated and let them support themselves if you are not willing. Lots of options. You should not except Dad to be an ATM without a relationship. Would you send a check to a stranger every month? Of course not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If as a mom, you are advocating terminating the relationship with Dad, you need to take full financial and all other responsibility. If you believe a child is capable of making those decisions, great, help them get emancipated and let them support themselves if you are not willing. Lots of options. You should not except Dad to be an ATM without a relationship. Would you send a check to a stranger every month? Of course not!

You are a predictable parrot with your "just terminate Dad's rights" ditty.

Having a relationship with your child is WORK. Fathers are not excepted from it, least of all fathers who who have 50/50 and have ample time and opportunity to build strong bonds with their children. If kids don't want to go to their father's house, the father should work on making them want it. Children are not performing monkeys.

You seem to have a very weird views of father/child relationship where fathers condition child support on having a good time with their children. It doesn't work that way. Raising a child is not like getting a massage where you can walk out if it doesn't feel good. There are times when it's hard and unpleasant, and parents need to work at it. Fathers are not exempt. If kids are recoiling from their father, he needs to work to repair the relationship - just like he would if they were under the same roof. Kids don't kiss hands and curtsy in exchange for coins anymore, you're about two hundred years late for that type of arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

You don’t put kids in the middle. You are refusing for them to go. You take ownership. Kids don’t get to pick their parents.

At their age, kids do get to decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their parents.

If your child doesn't want to be around you, you can't make him.

If your child hates going to your house, you can't make him feel different.

You can only earn it.

No, they don't and its very easy for mom to convince kids that they don't want a relationship with Dad. You are probably the parent who did this. If Mom wants to be the only/sole parent, own up to it, go to court and terminate his rights and child support. If she is taking away his rights/time with the kids, he shouldn't have to pay for them. If kids get to choose not to see a parent, then the other parent who supports them should take full responsibility or if they are old enough to make adult decisions they can get a job and support themselves.

No, you don’t get to dodge your financial responsibilities to your MINOR offspring if you’re so unpleasant that they don’t want to be around you.

As a minor, you don't get to dictate who your parents are. If you want to make grown up decisions, then you need to be a grown up and financially support yourself. This is why kids behave as they do. They have one parent who encourages this behavior to meet their needs, kids have to pick sides and then those same parents complain why Dad will not pay extras or college as he's not that child's father anymore. You cannot have it both ways. If you are choosing to terminate a relationship with a parent or the other parent, then that person terminating the relationship needs to grow up fast and support themselves or the other parent support them. No more Dad should mean no more money.

Wrong

You pay child support to maintain standard of living for the children until they are over 18.

If they don’t want to see you then honor that, find another custody arrangement/day/meal, or go to court.