My kids hate going to Dad's

[Anonymous]

My children (age 14 and 16) have told me that they really don't want to stay at their Dad's house any longer. We have 50/50 custody and switch every Thursday. We were married 20 years so I know how he is...they said he's mean, abusive verbally and mentally, and they do not want to go there any longer.
I can't say anything to him directly about his behaviour because he will just take it out on them, he has given them strict rules to not discuss anything that happens at his house or his business and they will be just berated for saying anything.

How do I manuever this?

[Anonymous]

They are old enough for their preferences to matter. If it’s bad enough, can you hire a lawyer and seek to modify the custody agreement?

[Anonymous]

12:11 here. Also, does your ex want to see the kids, or do you get a sense he wants shared custody so he doesn’t have to pay child support?
If you can get your kids into therapy, do that. I know it’s expensive. But it’ll help them and it’ll also enable you to get testimony from the therapist if the need should arise.

Can you give us some specific examples of his abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:11 here. Also, does your ex want to see the kids, or do you get a sense he wants shared custody so he doesn’t have to pay child support?
If you can get your kids into therapy, do that. I know it’s expensive. But it’ll help them and it’ll also enable you to get testimony from the therapist if the need should arise.

Can you give us some specific examples of his abuse?

My Daughter (14 year old) has been in therapy for 2 months now. He brings up the cost/copay to her every time he takes her. Tells her, "I dont know why you need therapy, I dont see anything wrong."

He complains about spending money for clothes, food, medical items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My children (age 14 and 16) have told me that they really don't want to stay at their Dad's house any longer. We have 50/50 custody and switch every Thursday. We were married 20 years so I know how he is...they said he's mean, abusive verbally and mentally, and they do not want to go there any longer.
I can't say anything to him directly about his behaviour because he will just take it out on them, he has given them strict rules to not discuss anything that happens at his house or his business and they will be just berated for saying anything.

How do I manuever this?

Keep up with the therapy and talk to a lawyer. They are old enough to have their own preferences and to speak to that at a hearing if need be.

Only you can really judge what your Ex's reaction is going to be, but at some point someone is going to have to tell him that his kids don't want to spend as much time with him as they do now. If you think that's something you can negotiate without a lawyer, go for it, but get it in writing. You could also have a lawyer suggest a middle ground - he goes to a parenting class. Or limit it to every other weekend or something. I kind of doubt a judge will order no visitation based on him being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Seems like you only have two choices. You can tell him their preferences without getting into why they feel that way so he doesn't take it out on them and see if he will voluntarily modify the custody arrangement. Option two is to see a lawyer and see what your odds are of getting the custody arrangement modified in court. I suppose Option three is to roll the dice on not making them go but then you risk him filing a show cause and you being sanctioned by the court. You really need to talk to a lawyer before you do option three.

[Anonymous]

With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

[Anonymous]

Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

You are horrible. You block his time and then make him pay child support. You should terminate the child support if you are taking away his parental rights and time. If you want to be the sole parent, then be the sole parent and also pay for their needs.

This is why Dad's aren't involved. And, then you'll complain he will not pay for college or anything above child support. Why should he?

[Anonymous]

Just contact a lawyer and say you want to modify the custody arrangement now that your kids are old enough to have expressed their desires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

You are horrible. You block his time and then make him pay child support. You should terminate the child support if you are taking away his parental rights and time. If you want to be the sole parent, then be the sole parent and also pay for their needs.

This is why Dad's aren't involved. And, then you'll complain he will not pay for college or anything above child support. Why should he?

Did you even read the post? She said she wouldn’t make CS modifications

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

NP and if they have 50/50 I doubt that's going to work IF (and this is a big if that only OP knows) he actually wants to spend time with them. I mean, seriously, are you going to be able to come up with viable excuses every week for why they can't come? I just don't see this as a practical solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

Great ideas. Although I think the kids could call themselves and tell him their busy. Or as some have expressed start meeting him for lunch on weekends, but come back home. Last resort is going to court. At those ages it's really up to the kids.

You don’t put kids in the middle. You are refusing for them to go. You take ownership. Kids don’t get to pick their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With my ex, I would just start making excuses as to why kids can’t come this week, or can only be there on the weekend, minimizing their time with him. I would also assure him it won’t mean modifications in child support.
If it didn’t help, I would file for custody modification without child support modification (just yet) and see how he reacts. I get a sense that he is worried about money more than anything.

You are horrible. You block his time and then make him pay child support. You should terminate the child support if you are taking away his parental rights and time. If you want to be the sole parent, then be the sole parent and also pay for their needs.

This is why Dad's aren't involved. And, then you'll complain he will not pay for college or anything above child support. Why should he?

Did you even read the post? She said she wouldn’t make CS modifications

Modifications. If she is the sole parent, she should pay for everything.