How to say "no" to other moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best is to reply "Aww, no thanks!" very cheerily as if you're declining an offer of help. Confuses them just long enough for you to RUN!

Be that weird if you never want to speak to the woman. Otherwise stick with “I’m sorry, but I can’t give Larlo a ride.”

This is a woman who thought nothing of leaving OP in charge of her kid with absolutely no notice and not so much as a warning text so she could get her hair done. She isn't worth keeping around.

[Anonymous]

OP, I sympathize. I also think people on DCUM are way too black and white about the doormat ("no is a complete sentence") stuff. Of course that is true, but it is really hard, especially when someone asks you something face to face to just say "no" with zero follow up. I would guess lots of people saying that on here would stutter through an explanation when taken off guard as well.

That said, I have started doing just that, awkwardness be damned, because it is true that certain people really push it once they get "yes" a few times. I have a certain mom who I have helped out a few times in a pinch, but she is now no longer working and asks me in advance to drive her son home(to their live in nanny) because she made a car appointment during school hours. It is the same situation as you, in that there is no compelling reason why I CAN'T take him, except that it isn't my responsibility to and I feel taken advantage of, since it's at least once a week. This latest time, I just said "sorry, I can't" and withstood the awkwardness that followed.

And to the PP who asked about seats, as kids get older (I have a Pre-K 5 year old) you can get a 35$ booster for an extra kid. They don't install like car seats, you just plop them on the seat. We always have one on hand so we can do playdates after school.

[Anonymous]

"That just won't work for me."

Repeat as necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this work logistically? I have a preschooler and a baby and I don’t have room in my car for an extra car seat nor do I have an extra car seat sitting around.

So no one has a car bigger than yours? Many (most) people that have two cars and kids have seats for both cars.

OP - she picked you for a reason. Her hair appointment went over? So she scheduled an appointment around the time her kid got out of preschool and then didn't call or text you? She then had the nerve to ask again and you said yes! People like her can smell a doormat like you miles away.

And that many people have room for 3 car seats? I can see owning 2 cars with seats for both -- although actually no one I know does, everyone either has 1 car or if they have 2, switch the seats out. But I don't see many cars around here with room for 3 car seats unless you're talking minivan.

So because you don't know anyone who does it in your bubble it doesn't happen?

[Anonymous]

I had a manipulative mom friend who took advantage of me like this for play dates by making sure that all of her children were invited even though my child was the buddy of one of them.

The mom would bring them by, go home for a few hours and kick back, or go shopping. The youngest one wasn't potty trained, and was a real handful. It was a 90/10 relationship. I was the 90%.

I finally told her no, she got her nose out of joint, and that ended things when she realized I wasn't an easy mark anymore. Now she's doing the same thing to another mom. Say NO. I wish I had done it a lot sooner!

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Thanks for all of the replies. One of the responses hit my feelings exactly. While I know I have the right to (and should) just say no, no explanation needed, it's awkward in the moment, especially when it's such seemingly small thing to drive the neighbor's child, when it's not out of my way at all. I do have concerns about navigating the parking lot, but I'm very careful.

It's easy to give an excuse as to why my answer is "no" for a particular ask, but I fear that giving an excuse rather than just saying "no, I don't want to do it, however, I will do it in an emergency situation) just encourages future asks.

Thank you for reconfirming that this person is using me and is inconsiderate and that I owe her nothing.

And as far as the question about how I'm physically able to get the additional child in my car, we have an extra carseat and a mini van. Maybe to my detriment!!!

[Anonymous]

Say NO. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her if she could ride with you or if you could alternate days and you'll ride with her as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say you need to go to the grocery store, pick up dry cleaning, return Library books, go to the post office, pick up a prescription, etc. Then say you can’t safely buckle and unbuckle and get 3 kids across parking lots.

OP, please don't do this. The other mom won't care if you have a bunch of errands to run.

[Anonymous]

Even when you know exactly what you SHOULD and want to say, it can be really hard to do in the moment when your first inclination is to be helpful.

That said, the fact that she abused the favor and then asked again really does fully reveal the nature of the person asking. And that does not deserve loyalty or repeat favors.

Had you asked a favor of someone like this would you ever have behaved the same way? I'm sure the answer is no.

So practice the no response. Practice a few variations so that you have options, and so that even a less firm no is still a no. Become comfortable saying all of them in the abstract and it's much more likely that one of them will come out in the moment:

No, I can't.
No, I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore.
No Jane. The time you stranded me with Jack I missed appointments and it was a major imposition so I can't say yes anymore.
I'm so sorry, but I can't do this again.
I'm really sorry but my afternoons are filling up and I just can't.
Oh, I'd love to but unfortunately just can't. I'm totally overscheduled and it's really becoming a problem so I have to start saying no.

That way you have a wide range, but they're all still no. You can even start with one and add on a few more if she's relentless.

Sorry she took advantage of you this way OP.

[Anonymous]

I recently told someone “sorry, I can’t drive your kid to karate after school every Tuesday because my mom is in her mid 70s and I need to be around for her whenever I have a spare second. She is older, needs me. “

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best is to reply "Aww, no thanks!" very cheerily as if you're declining an offer of help. Confuses them just long enough for you to RUN!

Be that weird if you never want to speak to the woman. Otherwise stick with “I’m sorry, but I can’t give Larlo a ride.”

If she declines, that woman is going to hate her anywY and people obably bad mouth her. So she might as well be weird .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best is to reply "Aww, no thanks!" very cheerily as if you're declining an offer of help. Confuses them just long enough for you to RUN!

Be that weird if you never want to speak to the woman. Otherwise stick with “I’m sorry, but I can’t give Larlo a ride.”

If she declines, that woman is going to hate her anywY and people obably bad mouth her. So she might as well be weird .

+1

Valid point here.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I can't today...sorry.

I wish I could help out, but it won't work for us today.

Sorry, Jane...but I'm not able to do that tomorrow.

No, I won't be able to help out this time. Sorry.

So sorry but I can't.

Would love to help, but I won't be able to this time.

There ya go. 6 different versions of the exact same no-excuse response.

[Anonymous]

You need to channel your inner anger. Who does she think she is, acting like you are her personal assistant! It is disrespectful to 'forget' to pick up her child on time because she is on a hair appointment??!! She thinks her time is more valuable than your time, and you are a doormat that she can take advantage of.
Now it's easy to say no, right?