How can I help my failure to launch brother grow up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t help this person. Sorry.

Be nice and stay at arms lengthy

Do not open your pocketbook.

Offer advice via introducing him to therapists or professionals who can help him. But not as a reference, just defer to others all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My little brother is nearly 30 and I am 34. We are very close and have a good relationship. However, he chose the party life and I chose the career/family life moving through our 20's. Now that we're both in our 30's, he's still the kind of guy that gets up at noon, phone is always turned off (for not paying the bill), bounces between restaurant gigs, doesn't have a car, etc. I have a house, wife, 3 kids, career, retirement, etc. I try to be his brother, but also feel very much like his parent. For context, our parents are not exactly in the picture and when they are, they’re not exactly role models.

He's a very sweet person with a big heart, but he tends to use people for their resources. He has had issues with drugs in the past which is where I think it comes from, but for the past few years he has been relatively clean (i.e. only he drinks or smokes cigs - no hard drugs - so he says). Lately he's been dating a much older woman (divorcee) who buys him things and takes him places, but according to him "he's not that into her", which I find morally f****d up.

Lastly, he's been complaining for years about working in the restaurant business and how he wants a career, but he never makes any progress. I've offered to help him in anyway I can, from buying him a laptop for online classes, to offering to let him live with us for cheap so he can go back to school. But it's all for naught. He never takes any help, despite his own stated misery with his life situation.

We caught up a few days ago and when the subject of school came back up, he said he wanted to go to school to "be an architect" or "join the the Air Force". For a 30 year old bartender who smokes and drinks, with no college experience and no drive, you can see what reality he's living in (and why I'm so frustrated). He acts happy but I know he's hurting on the inside. I try not to get upset, but I hate to see him poor, miserable, and clueless on how to take control of his life.

So my question: Do I just accept my brother for who he is even with all of his poor choices and morally questionable behavior? Or is my duty as his older brother to try and help him get on a good track?

You didn't say much about your parents...which says a lot about them. You clearly love your brother and I hope he loves you, too. The best way to help him is to keep building your life and learning about boundaries. This isn't meant to criticize you or him. There are notes of dysfunction and enmeshment in your post, both of which are artifacts of childhood trauma. Your new family needs you whole and healthy, especially your kids. You may have work to do on yourself and your brother will find his way...or not.

Great point.

They either suffer from the same issues he does so don’t “see it,” or they’ve hit a wall parenting him and now’s he’s an adult on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the Air Force might not be a bad idea.

You have zero knowledge of the military like so many Americans.

Do you really think the military services want a 30 year old who has a history of drug abuse? Who is unmotivated and lazy? A person who would need to respond to orders? That he would be a good candidate? That he would be a good person to work with loading bombs on planes? Maybe work in an air traffic control tower? Or how about in a military medical facility where he has access to drugs he can pilfer?

I really really wish the 99% of American who DON'T serve would at least try to learn the basics about what it takes to actually do so.

No kidding. The military is not reform school for juvenile deliquents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t help this person. Sorry.

Yes he can. Offer him $10,000 cash to enlist in the military. You'll wire it to him after boot camp.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of people who work in restaurants their entire life. I would stop trying to get him to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the Air Force might not be a bad idea.

You have zero knowledge of the military like so many Americans.

Do you really think the military services want a 30 year old who has a history of drug abuse? Who is unmotivated and lazy? A person who would need to respond to orders? That he would be a good candidate? That he would be a good person to work with loading bombs on planes? Maybe work in an air traffic control tower? Or how about in a military medical facility where he has access to drugs he can pilfer?

I really really wish the 99% of American who DON'T serve would at least try to learn the basics about what it takes to actually do so.

Spare me. Some of the dumbest and laziest men and women I've ever met are vets. That said, it often does help man-children snap out of it. As long as he can pass a drug test, the Army or Marine Corps will take him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people who work in restaurants their entire life. I would stop trying to get him to change.

I don't get the impression he's working at a Michelin restaurant or a bartender at a swank country club. A straight male waiter in his 30s let alone 40s at a mid-tier restaurant is very weird and frankly grim as hell. No retirement, no house, Obama-care insurance? So bleak.

[Anonymous]

Encourage him to join the military. They will help him grow up and learn some self discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the Air Force might not be a bad idea.

You have zero knowledge of the military like so many Americans.

Do you really think the military services want a 30 year old who has a history of drug abuse? Who is unmotivated and lazy? A person who would need to respond to orders? That he would be a good candidate? That he would be a good person to work with loading bombs on planes? Maybe work in an air traffic control tower? Or how about in a military medical facility where he has access to drugs he can pilfer?

I really really wish the 99% of American who DON'T serve would at least try to learn the basics about what it takes to actually do so.

Spare me. Some of the dumbest and laziest men and women I've ever met are vets. That said, it often does help man-children snap out of it. As long as he can pass a drug test, the Army or Marine Corps will take him.

How ironic. Some of the dumbest men and women I know are DCUM posters.

There is much more to joining the Army or Marine Corps than passing a drug test. Just FYI.

[Anonymous]

OP is probably the waiter.

[Anonymous]

I have 30- and 40-something losers like this in my extended family who are all licking their chops for their parents to croak to inherit free houses and large sums of money.

[Anonymous]

Can’t do anything with failure to launch adults who don’t care to manage their mental disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t do anything with failure to launch adults who don’t care to manage their mental disorders.

This. I have a failure-to-launch brother in his 50s. There isn't much you can do to change things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 30- and 40-something losers like this in my extended family who are all licking their chops for their parents to croak to inherit free houses and large sums of money.

Careful, your envy is showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 30- and 40-something losers like this in my extended family who are all licking their chops for their parents to croak to inherit free houses and large sums of money.

This was my brother. Unfortunately for him, he died first at 52.