How can I help my failure to launch brother grow up?

[Anonymous]

My little brother is nearly 30 and I am 34. We are very close and have a good relationship. However, he chose the party life and I chose the career/family life moving through our 20's. Now that we're both in our 30's, he's still the kind of guy that gets up at noon, phone is always turned off (for not paying the bill), bounces between restaurant gigs, doesn't have a car, etc. I have a house, wife, 3 kids, career, retirement, etc. I try to be his brother, but also feel very much like his parent. For context, our parents are not exactly in the picture and when they are, they’re not exactly role models.

He's a very sweet person with a big heart, but he tends to use people for their resources. He has had issues with drugs in the past which is where I think it comes from, but for the past few years he has been relatively clean (i.e. only he drinks or smokes cigs - no hard drugs - so he says). Lately he's been dating a much older woman (divorcee) who buys him things and takes him places, but according to him "he's not that into her", which I find morally f****d up.

Lastly, he's been complaining for years about working in the restaurant business and how he wants a career, but he never makes any progress. I've offered to help him in anyway I can, from buying him a laptop for online classes, to offering to let him live with us for cheap so he can go back to school. But it's all for naught. He never takes any help, despite his own stated misery with his life situation.

We caught up a few days ago and when the subject of school came back up, he said he wanted to go to school to "be an architect" or "join the the Air Force". For a 30 year old bartender who smokes and drinks, with no college experience and no drive, you can see what reality he's living in (and why I'm so frustrated). He acts happy but I know he's hurting on the inside. I try not to get upset, but I hate to see him poor, miserable, and clueless on how to take control of his life.

So my question: Do I just accept my brother for who he is even with all of his poor choices and morally questionable behavior? Or is my duty as his older brother to try and help him get on a good track?

[Anonymous]

You can’t help this person. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t help this person. Sorry.

+1. I have a younger brother like this. Lived with my parents until they died. Got my widowed mother to change the will to leave him everything. Now using their assets to party.

[Anonymous]

He is messed up somewhere in the head. You can't help him. He can help him.
Nothing wrong with restaurant business, but he needs to be resourceful in other ways.
Who the heck doesn't pay a $25 phone bill. You are not dealing with a healthy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is messed up somewhere in the head. You can't help him. He can help him.
Nothing wrong with restaurant business, but he needs to be resourceful in other ways.
Who the heck doesn't pay a $25 phone bill. You are not dealing with a healthy person.

This is true. May be undiagnosed ADHD.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both have siblings like that. You can't help someone who won't help themselves, and you will drive yourself crazy trying. Drop the rope, and just try to find a way to socialize with him without parenting, guiding, helping, etc. If that doesn't work, let him go.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever had a mental health evaluation? Sounds like he might be struggling with possible depression and/or ADHD. When is the last time he had a check-up? That would be where I would start.

[Anonymous]

Can he go to community college night time learning about AC/heading and work daytime for AC/heating company at the same time ? Work for roofing company is too high above round for him ? Trade school is very good. No need for being architect, he has to invest to much time and money.

[Anonymous]

He almost certainly has ADHD (forgetting to do things like pay bills, poor sleep regulation, lack of follow through) and this is why he self- medicated with drugs and alcohol. Untreated ADHD leads to anxiety, depression and self-loathing, since these people know they’re not functioning appropriately yet cannot do better even when they try. My 9 year old son called himself stupid and became very sad before he was diagnosed with severe inattentive ADHD and anxiety (and later, with autism).

There are several types of ADHD: hyperactive, inattentive or mixed. The inattentive ones often fail to be recognized.

I would offer to pay for a psychiatric evaluation, to explore ADHD and possibly other disorders. ADHD meds can work miraculously well, and with an executive functioning coach and meds he might be able to get a useful degree and find more stable work. The coach is necessary so he learns how to schedule and plan his life. Meds will give him focus.

Also he should take a home sleep apnea test. My son also had mild sleep apnea which made everything worse.

Your brother is 30. Life’s not over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My little brother is nearly 30 and I am 34. We are very close and have a good relationship. However, he chose the party life and I chose the career/family life moving through our 20's. Now that we're both in our 30's, he's still the kind of guy that gets up at noon, phone is always turned off (for not paying the bill), bounces between restaurant gigs, doesn't have a car, etc. I have a house, wife, 3 kids, career, retirement, etc. I try to be his brother, but also feel very much like his parent. For context, our parents are not exactly in the picture and when they are, they’re not exactly role models.

He's a very sweet person with a big heart, but he tends to use people for their resources. He has had issues with drugs in the past which is where I think it comes from, but for the past few years he has been relatively clean (i.e. only he drinks or smokes cigs - no hard drugs - so he says). Lately he's been dating a much older woman (divorcee) who buys him things and takes him places, but according to him "he's not that into her", which I find morally f****d up.

Lastly, he's been complaining for years about working in the restaurant business and how he wants a career, but he never makes any progress. I've offered to help him in anyway I can, from buying him a laptop for online classes, to offering to let him live with us for cheap so he can go back to school. But it's all for naught. He never takes any help, despite his own stated misery with his life situation.

We caught up a few days ago and when the subject of school came back up, he said he wanted to go to school to "be an architect" or "join the the Air Force". For a 30 year old bartender who smokes and drinks, with no college experience and no drive, you can see what reality he's living in (and why I'm so frustrated). He acts happy but I know he's hurting on the inside. I try not to get upset, but I hate to see him poor, miserable, and clueless on how to take control of his life.

So my question: Do I just accept my brother for who he is even with all of his poor choices and morally questionable behavior? Or is my duty as his older brother to try and help him get on a good track?

You didn't say much about your parents...which says a lot about them. You clearly love your brother and I hope he loves you, too. The best way to help him is to keep building your life and learning about boundaries. This isn't meant to criticize you or him. There are notes of dysfunction and enmeshment in your post, both of which are artifacts of childhood trauma. Your new family needs you whole and healthy, especially your kids. You may have work to do on yourself and your brother will find his way...or not.

[Anonymous]

You can ask your brother if he’d like your help. If he says no, then tell him your offer of help still stands, if he ever changes his mind. But respect his answer. If you try to do too much, he’ll resent it and you.

He may not, but just in case he ends up needy and in need of help in old age, you might want to start saving a little extra yourself so that you’ll have the financial means to help him out then. But don’t do that at the expense of your wife and kids. And don’t tell your brother.

[Anonymous]

Maintain the relationship and look for openings to help. Rather than getting him into a job I’d try to get him assessed for ND and mental health problems. Try not to be judgmental and forget about his sex life.

[Anonymous]

I think the Air Force might not be a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to save him. Put your energy into your own family and life. Codependency is not cool and you’re modeling it for your own children.

[Anonymous]

You say your parents weren't great role models. You make them sound disconnected from their own children. Emotionally neglected children go one of two ways: either hyper-responsible or hypo-responsible. Because the parents were more into themselves and their own needs, problems, issues, you stepped up long ago to manage yourself and some extent your younger brother, but you were still a kid yourself. You and your brother are still acting our your roles from childhood. You can feel responsible for him, almost as a parent. You still feel the guilt, the need, to step up to fill the void your parents created through their emotional absence. Don't blame him, blame your parents. He's doing the best with what he knows, what he learned. These are long held patterns and ways of relating learned decades ago. You cannot break them until you see them.