To siblings -Visit elderly parents on your own!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand, but does your mom know who you are? If so, I can't imagine not doing a birthday celebration with all her kids. I'd love to see my kids all at one time, though I understand saying no to gatherings every time they visit.

A birthday, however, is different. Can't you ask sibling to bring a cake, and show up to eat it and take a family picture, and leave after 45 minutes, while they keep visiting?

DP. As the primary with my mom, my siblings pretty much don't have a relationship with our mom at this point. They don't live in the same city, have jobs and kids and life and our mom can't really talk on the phone well anymore. So if I am not facilitating the relationship there would be none. And now when they come to town they want me to guide the whole thing. They do not want one on one time with her because they don't have a relationship with her where you just pick up and start talking. I have facilitated for years. But I am tired and our mom only takes more and more out of me as she gets older. And yes, I am exhausted, burned out, and resentful.

I feel for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand, but does your mom know who you are? If so, I can't imagine not doing a birthday celebration with all her kids. I'd love to see my kids all at one time, though I understand saying no to gatherings every time they visit.

A birthday, however, is different. Can't you ask sibling to bring a cake, and show up to eat it and take a family picture, and leave after 45 minutes, while they keep visiting?

DP. As the primary with my mom, my siblings pretty much don't have a relationship with our mom at this point. They don't live in the same city, have jobs and kids and life and our mom can't really talk on the phone well anymore. So if I am not facilitating the relationship there would be none. And now when they come to town they want me to guide the whole thing. They do not want one on one time with her because they don't have a relationship with her where you just pick up and start talking. I have facilitated for years. But I am tired and our mom only takes more and more out of me as she gets older. And yes, I am exhausted, burned out, and resentful.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you for posting this. I am OP and it sounds so callous to people who don't understand. It just is comforting to know I am not alone feeling exhausted and resentful. It is like having constant background noise that lingers. A sibling mentioned something about a funeral because another relative recently passed away. I asked "what crazy world do you live in where you think I am organizing or going to her funeral?" She has no friends left.

[Anonymous]

You could always text a link of this thread to your siblings.

And to the poster that doesn’t want to take her mom to the bathroom, that is completely obnoxious. I have a child with intellectual disability that will always be in diapers. She is 16 and over 5 feet tall. You know who can figure out how to take her to the bathroom — her younger sister, my, my husband, all her caregivers (who are not even college educated) and my 70 year old aunt and uncle. My husband has to navigate taking her to the men’s room if no family restroom is available. This isn’t rocket science. You should call your sibling today and apologize for being so obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks! I get plenty of time with Mom week to week, and your visiting her gives me a welcome break. But I'd love to meet you later for coffee, just the two of us."

This is good.

[Anonymous]

A lot of us are in your shoes OP. I do almost everything. My sibling visits a couple of times a year and last time I asked if they could visit our parent both days of their one night visit, so I could get an extra day off knowing parent had a visitor and it didn’t have to be me. Somehow that was too much and the response was that our visits weren’t linked.

The good news is that my sibling has done enough other stuff to ruin our relationship that this is just icing on the cake. (Sarcasm)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand, but does your mom know who you are? If so, I can't imagine not doing a birthday celebration with all her kids. I'd love to see my kids all at one time, though I understand saying no to gatherings every time they visit.

A birthday, however, is different. Can't you ask sibling to bring a cake, and show up to eat it and take a family picture, and leave after 45 minutes, while they keep visiting?

DP. As the primary with my mom, my siblings pretty much don't have a relationship with our mom at this point. They don't live in the same city, have jobs and kids and life and our mom can't really talk on the phone well anymore. So if I am not facilitating the relationship there would be none. And now when they come to town they want me to guide the whole thing. They do not want one on one time with her because they don't have a relationship with her where you just pick up and start talking. I have facilitated for years. But I am tired and our mom only takes more and more out of me as she gets older. And yes, I am exhausted, burned out, and resentful.

I feel for you, OP.

Thank you for posting this. I am OP and it sounds so callous to people who don't understand. It just is comforting to know I am not alone feeling exhausted and resentful. It is like having constant background noise that lingers. A sibling mentioned something about a funeral because another relative recently passed away. I asked "what crazy world do you live in where you think I am organizing or going to her funeral?" She has no friends left.

I was the primary caregiver, but I wasn't this rude to my siblings. I understand how grueling and thankless it is, but to be downright pissy is not good for your health either. It just pushes people further away and makes the entire experience toxic all the time.

[Anonymous]

Is there a way for you to just… see your mom
Less? She is in assisted living, surely she’ll manage? If there’s no toothpaste she’ll survive

[Anonymous]

well, the few times my brother visited I experienced the same, but I did find some things for t hem to do together. I had to spell it out though: take mom to xyz, etc. Once I took a family trip and he stayed and visited daily, which was great (this was before memory care when she was much easier to handle).

Part of the issue is that he really didn't know how to approach her memory loss and personality change. i was around it all the time and had strategies, he didn't know. He saw her 2x/year and each time she had changed

as for helping by doing practical stuff: The taxes thing never really worked as I had all the bills, accounts, etc, so I would spend all the time scanning and sending anyway. its not practical to have someone who lives across country do doctors appointments. also, my brother is so out of touch that I doubt the taxes would be done in time.

yes, I also planned the cremation, internment, and celebration of life, invitig her living friends and renting a restaurant for when we were all together back where she had lived for decades....and now I am executor of the estate and selling the home, which I had previously cleaned out. Its a lot. I am not doing it when my dad goes. I am spent.

[Anonymous]

Lol I guess I should be thankful my sibling will never, ever visit.

That said - how about a compromise? You'll "make an appearance" - have a glass of wine and then go take a nap. That way the sibling gets their photo op with you and you get your time.