To siblings -Visit elderly parents on your own!

[Anonymous]

I am the only sibling living nearby our mother so unfortunately I am responsible for many tedious tasks such as doctor visit, paying bills, doing taxes, getting called by the facility if she falls or she needs something like more toothpaste. It is never ending.

She is now in memory care after being in assisted living. Every time my two siblings visit they expect me to join them taking our mother out to eat or expect me to host a birthday gathering or a family meal. I see her enough and have no desire to see her more than I do. I want a couple days off from being called. I don’t want to get up early on a Sunday and get her ready for brunch.

My siblings are now upset I no longer will join in any gathering with them if it involves my mom. What I need from them is to come take her to the dentist or eye doctor but they are never willing to do that.

I don’t understand how they fail to realize I need a break.

[Anonymous]

I'm probably guilty of this. I'm simply not comfortable taking my mother out of her facility on my own the way my sibling is. She is a doctor and has a better understanding of my mother's limitations. I'm nervous about taking her to the restroom, etc. My compromise is that I only visit her in the facility, but do not take her anywhere anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are right to set this boundary.

Your siblings will adjust.

Have you explained this to them clearly, as you did in this thread? What you are saying makes perfect sense to me.

I might add, to them, that you are happy to socialize with them while they are in town, without your mom. Maybe the reason they expect you to join is because they want to see you too, and don't understand that doing this with your mom will make it hard for you to relax. If you lay it out clearly, they should understand.

If they don't, oh well. Hold your boundary. You are doing enough.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has been in your situation, you have to speak up to your siblings and don’t expect them to read your mind about what you need. Tell them point blank that you need time away from your Mom and that they need to visit her on their own without your presence and coordination. Don’t make it easy for them to shirk their own responsibilities to their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably guilty of this. I'm simply not comfortable taking my mother out of her facility on my own the way my sibling is. She is a doctor and has a better understanding of my mother's limitations. I'm nervous about taking her to the restroom, etc. My compromise is that I only visit her in the facility, but do not take her anywhere anymore.

One doesn't need an MD to learn how to help an elderly person go into the community. This is a cop out and a crappy one. Step up and help.

[Anonymous]

"No thanks! I get plenty of time with Mom week to week, and your visiting her gives me a welcome break. But I'd love to meet you later for coffee, just the two of us."

[Anonymous]

Tell them very clearly that you are exhausted and need a break. If they've never taken care of an elder they don't get it and think once they are in AL or SNF or Memory that you are sitting back doing almost nothing. Give them a rundown of your week.

But also, I would spend a little time altogether with your mom, because that probably is meaningful for her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have every right to set the boundary and it's infuriating they don't get it. My older sibling comes to town and thinks I should cater to her and if there is any emergency with the parent, she wants ME to deal with it. She an internal medicine doctor and she feels she is too special to wait at the ER, even if I have done it a bunch of times. I have set boundaries and she ignores them so now I just ignore any texts. She is also the person who "out her foot down" and did not want mom at an AL. Half of mom's emergencies could be dealt with on the premises at these places because they aren't real emergencies. Then she complains like a princess when she has to deal with the type of things I had to deal with a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably guilty of this. I'm simply not comfortable taking my mother out of her facility on my own the way my sibling is. She is a doctor and has a better understanding of my mother's limitations. I'm nervous about taking her to the restroom, etc. My compromise is that I only visit her in the facility, but do not take her anywhere anymore.

Pathetic. Talk to the staff at the facility and figure it the eff out. You sound like a man who doesn’t know how to take care of his own children.

[Anonymous]

I understand your side. But I also understand their side, being that they are very far removed from the situation. Just explain to them calmly that it's not that you don't want to spend time with them, it's that you need a break from being a full-time caretaker, and their visit gives you this opportunity. As someone in your sibling's shoes, I'm re-considering my own situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably guilty of this. I'm simply not comfortable taking my mother out of her facility on my own the way my sibling is. She is a doctor and has a better understanding of my mother's limitations. I'm nervous about taking her to the restroom, etc. My compromise is that I only visit her in the facility, but do not take her anywhere anymore.

You're not probably guilty. You ARE guilty of this shirking.
If you are not comfortable with helping your mother, just stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably guilty of this. I'm simply not comfortable taking my mother out of her facility on my own the way my sibling is. She is a doctor and has a better understanding of my mother's limitations. I'm nervous about taking her to the restroom, etc. My compromise is that I only visit her in the facility, but do not take her anywhere anymore.

One doesn't need an MD to learn how to help an elderly person go into the community. This is a cop out and a crappy one. Step up and help.

NP. Agree 100%. I had to learn how to deal with my mom once she was in assisted living. My sibling was doing the heavy lifting. So I had to step up. It's hard and awkward when you don't have runway to learn as the parent fails. But you have to do it. It's not the nearby sibling's responsibility to do most/all of the work, then also have to facilitate other siblings' visits.

[Anonymous]

I assume you've spelled it out to them in words of one syllable, and then followed this up by: "I don't understand why you're not seeing my point of view."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume you've spelled it out to them in words of one syllable, and then followed this up by: "I don't understand why you're not seeing my point of view."

Are you a sibling who doesn't help, who expects to have your visits facilitated by the sibling doing all the work? Or are you just really bad at conveying what you mean?

[Anonymous]

Forward this message to them
Or speak your words
But written is better