Parents with social anxiety: does it get easier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have experienced this to a much milder degree, but I am grateful that I kept trying and eventually got better at this. I wouldn’t say I’ve made friends who I hang out with outside of kids, but these people who I made idle chitchat with for years really stepped up when I needed them to. When my mom had cancer last year and I was out of town a lot, these other moms and dads helped my husband by driving my kids all over. When my 8 year old was hospitalized, people sent over videos, gifts and cards that put a smile on her face during a tough time. And we do the same for other families, helping to make things work where we can. I am a major introvert, but I am grateful for the community that eventually developed from these little interactions.

That's really great your community came through for you when your family needed it.

I have to admit that has not been my experience. We do the idle chitchat and whatever and I also put effort into things like learning people's names, volunteering for things, inviting for playdates, and being friendly during drop off/pick up so that it feels like community. But on the rare occasion when we're in a bind (like when my DH was out of town for 3 weeks helping his mom post-surgery) people mostly don't offer help and seem to take the attitude that you have to figure it out yourself. We did, but it it was hard. I do wind up thinking about that now when we're being asked to help out with school events or when I'm in social situations with parents. I find myself bowing out of things earlier or, yes, putting my nose in my phone or a book to avoid having to talk.

My perception is that people don't really think of the broader school community as *their* community. They have their friends within it, and those are their people. I'm an extra. And that's fine. But extras don't have speaking roles so I'm going to do my own thing then.

[Anonymous]

I think it gets MUCH easier when they are older. There aren't a zillion elementary school events. You don't interact as much when dropping off kids at play dates and certainly never stay. If your kid does a sport, you get to know the other families, which makes things easier. And so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

This. It might be a little better but never goes away, and you don’t have to live like this!

+2

Social anxiety is treatable.

OP again. I have a therapist and I guess am being "treated" for my anxiety. It's not like I can't do this stuff or let it get in the way of things I want or need to do. I'm capable of being social and talking to people. But I don't think I'm ever going to like these specific kinds of social situations and prior to having kids, only did them occasionally when I had to (wedding, funeral, occasional conference for work). Now with parenting it's all the time. I am hoping at some point it is more occasional than this? Like parties become drop off and kids navigate their own friendships and there are maybe fewer school events than our very, very social elementary school? I just want less of it, I'm not saying I can't do it.

I just posted above about volunteering. It was a chore for me at first, too. It does get better once DCs are past middle school, but until then, you don't want to be an "outsider" parent. You want to know what's going on, you want parents to feel comfortable reaching out to you, and you should make an effort to keep yourself in the mix. A strong school community is hard to build without invested parents . . . you don't have to go to every event or get to know every family, but find a comfortable space to at least make a few connections that will keep you tuned into what is happening behind the scenes.

Is it really so bad to be an "outsider" parent? What is happening behind the scenes at an elementary school that you need to be in the know for? A functional school will be letting parents know (via admin or the PTA) about anything truly important. You should not actually have to make connections in the school or be an "insider" in order to learn important details relevant to your child's education. It's up to the organization to be transparent. And then if people want to create friendships, they are more than welcome to.

I feel like your describing a dysfunctional school community based on cliques and info hoarding.

Sometimes school friends like to join the same sports teams or summer camps, so that can be useful information. If stuff like that isn’t beneficial to you or your kids, then yeah, don’t become friends with the other moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

This. It might be a little better but never goes away, and you don’t have to live like this!

+2

Social anxiety is treatable.

OP again. I have a therapist and I guess am being "treated" for my anxiety. It's not like I can't do this stuff or let it get in the way of things I want or need to do. I'm capable of being social and talking to people. But I don't think I'm ever going to like these specific kinds of social situations and prior to having kids, only did them occasionally when I had to (wedding, funeral, occasional conference for work). Now with parenting it's all the time. I am hoping at some point it is more occasional than this? Like parties become drop off and kids navigate their own friendships and there are maybe fewer school events than our very, very social elementary school? I just want less of it, I'm not saying I can't do it.

I just posted above about volunteering. It was a chore for me at first, too. It does get better once DCs are past middle school, but until then, you don't want to be an "outsider" parent. You want to know what's going on, you want parents to feel comfortable reaching out to you, and you should make an effort to keep yourself in the mix. A strong school community is hard to build without invested parents . . . you don't have to go to every event or get to know every family, but find a comfortable space to at least make a few connections that will keep you tuned into what is happening behind the scenes.

Is it really so bad to be an "outsider" parent? What is happening behind the scenes at an elementary school that you need to be in the know for? A functional school will be letting parents know (via admin or the PTA) about anything truly important. You should not actually have to make connections in the school or be an "insider" in order to learn important details relevant to your child's education. It's up to the organization to be transparent. And then if people want to create friendships, they are more than welcome to.

I feel like your describing a dysfunctional school community based on cliques and info hoarding.

That's not at all what I'm describing. The community extends beyond the school walls and beyond the school day . . . not for cliques and gossip, but so that you can communicate and connect with other parents to: learn the things going on behind the scenes that your kids can't (or won't) tell you; find support when you or your child need it; and provide support when others need it. You can choose not to take part in that because you're above it or whatever, but it may end up being to your family's detriment.

[Anonymous]

I'm also an introvert with social anxiety and, honestly, I miss those days. Now I have to work to set up social interactions, and I have some executive function challenges, so there are days when I don't talk to anyone outside my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert with social anxiety, and kids in elementary (3rd and 1st grade). Parenting, at least at this age, seems to involve a lot of interacting with other parents. There's so much awkward small talk. I wind up replaying every conversation over and over in my head afterwards. I know it's my anxiety, not other people, but there are just a lot of triggers for me.

Does this get easier when kids are older? I love being a mom but was really not anticipating how much of it would be standing around with other parents making idle "chit chat" at school and activities. In the last week I've had to meet and make polite question with dozens of parents (two birthday parties, two school events) and it is so draining. Please tell me this aspect of parenting eases as you get to the tween years? Please?

Here’s a helpful hint about most people - they love to talk more than they love to listen. I enjoy talking to people, but when I am with people that I don’t connect with well, I listen the majority of the time. I ask them questions, I ask them how their weekend was, where Larla went to summer camp last year, how long have they lived in xxx town, etc. Sometimes it can lead to a real connection, but much of the time, it’s my trick to be pleasant around people who are just acquaintances. The people that are worthwhile engaging with will actually converse with you. But there are plenty of people who will be content to talk their heads off.

I have many acquaintances who know very little about me, but I know all about their family, their child’s orthodontic issues, their HOA board squabbles, etc. I consider myself an extrovert and I am very comfortable going to parties and events with complete strangers, but I don’t have the energy I once had to really engage with everyone, so now I rely on my shallow conversation skills when I need to. It’s so simple once you realize that in these “mingling with strangers situations”, while you are talking, some people are just waiting for you to finish so they can talk instead.

[Anonymous]

OP, take it from someone with older kids, it gets way better in middle and high school. Especially Hs - you will not have to talk to many parents unless you want to.

[Anonymous]

I think it will get worse for you with age, OP. Can you treat your anxiety? Or find better coping mechanisms? Maybe being your spouse/friend with you to events, especially if they're social?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? It’s become worse for me in late 40s and I think it’s due to peri. So unfortunately I don’t have good news

Yessss

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's easier with my teen. There is less interaction required because they now plan their own social schedule. I still have to volunteer here and there, but it's not nearly as hard as elementary school, when I had to plan playdates and trick-or-treating, and be present at sports practices and all the other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

This. It might be a little better but never goes away, and you don’t have to live like this!

+2

Social anxiety is treatable.

OP again. I have a therapist and I guess am being "treated" for my anxiety. It's not like I can't do this stuff or let it get in the way of things I want or need to do. I'm capable of being social and talking to people. But I don't think I'm ever going to like these specific kinds of social situations and prior to having kids, only did them occasionally when I had to (wedding, funeral, occasional conference for work). Now with parenting it's all the time. I am hoping at some point it is more occasional than this? Like parties become drop off and kids navigate their own friendships and there are maybe fewer school events than our very, very social elementary school? I just want less of it, I'm not saying I can't do it.

I just posted above about volunteering. It was a chore for me at first, too. It does get better once DCs are past middle school, but until then, you don't want to be an "outsider" parent. You want to know what's going on, you want parents to feel comfortable reaching out to you, and you should make an effort to keep yourself in the mix. A strong school community is hard to build without invested parents . . . you don't have to go to every event or get to know every family, but find a comfortable space to at least make a few connections that will keep you tuned into what is happening behind the scenes.

Is it really so bad to be an "outsider" parent? What is happening behind the scenes at an elementary school that you need to be in the know for? A functional school will be letting parents know (via admin or the PTA) about anything truly important. You should not actually have to make connections in the school or be an "insider" in order to learn important details relevant to your child's education. It's up to the organization to be transparent. And then if people want to create friendships, they are more than welcome to.

I feel like your describing a dysfunctional school community based on cliques and info hoarding.

That's not at all what I'm describing. The community extends beyond the school walls and beyond the school day . . . not for cliques and gossip, but so that you can communicate and connect with other parents to: learn the things going on behind the scenes that your kids can't (or won't) tell you; find support when you or your child need it; and provide support when others need it. You can choose not to take part in that because you're above it or whatever, but it may end up being to your family's detriment.

You don't need to be an insider for that. Your use of the term "outsider" parent indicates that you ARE cliquey. If your kid is having issues with someone else "behind the scenes" at school, then you should be able to discuss it with the other parent regardless of how chummy you are. And IME other families don't offer "support" to each other. Are other parents going to tutor my kid? No. You're just talking about socializing. And when you say "it may end up being to your family's detriment," what you mean is that you encourage friendships, playdates, or birthday invites to kids outside your "insider" circle at your kids school. So... a clique.

The very fact that you think of parents as being "insiders" and "outsiders" indicates that you're the problem. I just think of parents at the school as parents, and I try to be polite and cordial to everyone. I don't gossip about what's happening "behind the scenes" or engage in weird quid pro quos with people. If thats' to my detriment, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

This. It might be a little better but never goes away, and you don’t have to live like this!

+2

Social anxiety is treatable.

OP again. I have a therapist and I guess am being "treated" for my anxiety. It's not like I can't do this stuff or let it get in the way of things I want or need to do. I'm capable of being social and talking to people. But I don't think I'm ever going to like these specific kinds of social situations and prior to having kids, only did them occasionally when I had to (wedding, funeral, occasional conference for work). Now with parenting it's all the time. I am hoping at some point it is more occasional than this? Like parties become drop off and kids navigate their own friendships and there are maybe fewer school events than our very, very social elementary school? I just want less of it, I'm not saying I can't do it.

I just posted above about volunteering. It was a chore for me at first, too. It does get better once DCs are past middle school, but until then, you don't want to be an "outsider" parent. You want to know what's going on, you want parents to feel comfortable reaching out to you, and you should make an effort to keep yourself in the mix. A strong school community is hard to build without invested parents . . . you don't have to go to every event or get to know every family, but find a comfortable space to at least make a few connections that will keep you tuned into what is happening behind the scenes.

Is it really so bad to be an "outsider" parent? What is happening behind the scenes at an elementary school that you need to be in the know for? A functional school will be letting parents know (via admin or the PTA) about anything truly important. You should not actually have to make connections in the school or be an "insider" in order to learn important details relevant to your child's education. It's up to the organization to be transparent. And then if people want to create friendships, they are more than welcome to.

I feel like your describing a dysfunctional school community based on cliques and info hoarding.

That's not at all what I'm describing. The community extends beyond the school walls and beyond the school day . . . not for cliques and gossip, but so that you can communicate and connect with other parents to: learn the things going on behind the scenes that your kids can't (or won't) tell you; find support when you or your child need it; and provide support when others need it. You can choose not to take part in that because you're above it or whatever, but it may end up being to your family's detriment.

You don't need to be an insider for that. Your use of the term "outsider" parent indicates that you ARE cliquey. If your kid is having issues with someone else "behind the scenes" at school, then you should be able to discuss it with the other parent regardless of how chummy you are. And IME other families don't offer "support" to each other. Are other parents going to tutor my kid? No. You're just talking about socializing. And when you say "it may end up being to your family's detriment," what you mean is that you encourage friendships, playdates, or birthday invites to kids outside your "insider" circle at your kids school. So... a clique.

The very fact that you think of parents as being "insiders" and "outsiders" indicates that you're the problem. I just think of parents at the school as parents, and I try to be polite and cordial to everyone. I don't gossip about what's happening "behind the scenes" or engage in weird quid pro quos with people. If thats' to my detriment, so be it.

The truth and nothing but the truth

[Anonymous]

I am also an introvert with social anxiety and have experienced much improvement in the social anxiety with age. It's been one of the best parts of my 40s, tbh. There are definitely "insider" groups of parents at my kids' schools, but it doesn't bother me the way it would have when I was younger. I have developed a rapport with a few parents in each kids' grade and that is enough.

Also, birthday parties becoming drop off was a game changer and it sounds like you are almost there if your youngest is in 1st grade. I started sending my husband to most birthday parties because he felt much less social pressure to stand around and chat.

[Anonymous]

I have bad social anxiety. I also have an elementary aged child, a middle schooler and a highschooler. Your social anxiety does not get better but your interaction with others becomes less because the children do the heavy lifting once in middle school and high school. Do you have a supportive spouse? My husband is VERY social. When the kids have a birthday party to attend, for example, he will tell me if he needs my support and would like for me to go with him or in place of him or if he has it solo and I am good to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Your 3rd grader should be starting drop off things soon if s/he hasn't already. My kids are in 4th and 6th and I rarely have to talk to other parents