Parents with social anxiety: does it get easier?

[Anonymous]

I am an introvert with social anxiety, and kids in elementary (3rd and 1st grade). Parenting, at least at this age, seems to involve a lot of interacting with other parents. There's so much awkward small talk. I wind up replaying every conversation over and over in my head afterwards. I know it's my anxiety, not other people, but there are just a lot of triggers for me.

Does this get easier when kids are older? I love being a mom but was really not anticipating how much of it would be standing around with other parents making idle "chit chat" at school and activities. In the last week I've had to meet and make polite question with dozens of parents (two birthday parties, two school events) and it is so draining. Please tell me this aspect of parenting eases as you get to the tween years? Please?

[Anonymous]

It can, there are no more birthday parties, but if DC are in extracurriculars, and you want to attend their events, there is usually still chitchat.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? It’s become worse for me in late 40s and I think it’s due to peri. So unfortunately I don’t have good news

[Anonymous]

I’m like you. My kids are just a couple years older than yours. It does get easier because my kids don’t need me hanging around at the bus stop or birthday parties anymore. The downside is that I continue to feel excluded from the school community…I’m not American so perhaps that added another layer of difficulty for me. I’m maintaining good relations with a couple of parents for each of my kids - comfortable enough to ask them about homework etc.

[Anonymous]

It gets easier as you get more used to it, especially if you can make good friends with at least a mom, through those kids related social events.

[Anonymous]

Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

This. It might be a little better but never goes away, and you don’t have to live like this!

[Anonymous]

I don't think it gets easier, but I think you can care less.

I can also say that w someone's who's gone from picking my kids up and hanging out at the playground most days, and going to soccer games etc, to mostly working on site later and my kids not being into team sports, even the awkward small talk is an investment in having an in person community. It's not best friends, but it's people you see and know and are connected to. I would prefer more awkward small talk to not knowing my kids' friends' parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it gets easier, but I think you can care less.

I can also say that w someone's who's gone from picking my kids up and hanging out at the playground most days, and going to soccer games etc, to mostly working on site later and my kids not being into team sports, even the awkward small talk is an investment in having an in person community. It's not best friends, but it's people you see and know and are connected to. I would prefer more awkward small talk to not knowing my kids' friends' parents.

This. You don't have to do it, but it might benefit you or your kids to have the flow of information that comes from knowing people. Small talk is the precursor to real talk, and it can be worth it in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

This. It might be a little better but never goes away, and you don’t have to live like this!

+2

Social anxiety is treatable.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do absolutely engage in the small talk, and I feel like I have built a small network of other families at school and in my older child's main after school activity where we have some rapport. So that's not the issue.

It's everyone else. Like at one other birthday parties we went to last weekend, the birthday kid is not in the same grade as my DC (they do an EC together and live nearby), so the party was full of families from their school class/grade and the only people we really knew were the birthday kid's parents. People were perfectly nice but it was hours of just chatting with all these parents who we're unlikely to every get to know better about all the same old subjects -- the school, parenting in general, vacation plans, weather, etc. That's so draining for me.

I feel like I took a job that requires me to socialize a lot, except I would never intentionally sign up for a job like that. My real job is perfect for an introvert -- I work solo most of the time and when I do work with others, it's 1:1 in small doses and either someone I've worked with a long time or our discussion is very focused. I would never take a job in politics or events or something where I had to talk to people all the time. And yet... that's kind of what parenting feels like sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

This. It might be a little better but never goes away, and you don’t have to live like this!

+2

Social anxiety is treatable.

OP again. I have a therapist and I guess am being "treated" for my anxiety. It's not like I can't do this stuff or let it get in the way of things I want or need to do. I'm capable of being social and talking to people. But I don't think I'm ever going to like these specific kinds of social situations and prior to having kids, only did them occasionally when I had to (wedding, funeral, occasional conference for work). Now with parenting it's all the time. I am hoping at some point it is more occasional than this? Like parties become drop off and kids navigate their own friendships and there are maybe fewer school events than our very, very social elementary school? I just want less of it, I'm not saying I can't do it.

[Anonymous]

I found that volunteering actually made it easier for me. When there was a collective task or goal, the interactions tended to get focused away from awkward small talk, allowing me to make actual friends and connect with other parents on a less superficial level. Having those friends and connections made the more mundane social events less tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

This. It might be a little better but never goes away, and you don’t have to live like this!

+2

Social anxiety is treatable.

OP again. I have a therapist and I guess am being "treated" for my anxiety. It's not like I can't do this stuff or let it get in the way of things I want or need to do. I'm capable of being social and talking to people. But I don't think I'm ever going to like these specific kinds of social situations and prior to having kids, only did them occasionally when I had to (wedding, funeral, occasional conference for work). Now with parenting it's all the time. I am hoping at some point it is more occasional than this? Like parties become drop off and kids navigate their own friendships and there are maybe fewer school events than our very, very social elementary school? I just want less of it, I'm not saying I can't do it.

Yup. They are draining and awkward and they do get less frequent.

I think it's also socially acceptable to step away with your phone or something at a birthday party after you've said some hellos. Not necessarily the friendliest, but other people do it too and everyone knows you're there for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking treatment for this?

Because, no, it really doesn't get any easier. Presumably your kids will do extra-curricular activities like sports or music or theater.

This. It might be a little better but never goes away, and you don’t have to live like this!

+2

Social anxiety is treatable.

OP again. I have a therapist and I guess am being "treated" for my anxiety. It's not like I can't do this stuff or let it get in the way of things I want or need to do. I'm capable of being social and talking to people. But I don't think I'm ever going to like these specific kinds of social situations and prior to having kids, only did them occasionally when I had to (wedding, funeral, occasional conference for work). Now with parenting it's all the time. I am hoping at some point it is more occasional than this? Like parties become drop off and kids navigate their own friendships and there are maybe fewer school events than our very, very social elementary school? I just want less of it, I'm not saying I can't do it.

I just posted above about volunteering. It was a chore for me at first, too. It does get better once DCs are past middle school, but until then, you don't want to be an "outsider" parent. You want to know what's going on, you want parents to feel comfortable reaching out to you, and you should make an effort to keep yourself in the mix. A strong school community is hard to build without invested parents . . . you don't have to go to every event or get to know every family, but find a comfortable space to at least make a few connections that will keep you tuned into what is happening behind the scenes.