Daughter got suspended

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are her new stepsiblings jerks?

I knew a reasonably woman who had two terrible children who remarried a guy who had three children (never met them). The kids had to live in the same house part-week. Each set of kids had their own nanny due to split custody/residence.

The marriage lasted maybe 2 years. I wasn't surprised. If I had had to live with the two terrible children I would have done anything (non-criminal) within my power to get them out of my life.

I also knew an only child who had to live for 5 years 50% with dad and AP wifetress, her gaggle of first marriage kids, and affair baby half-sibling. Guess who never sees dad anymore?

Sometimes behaviors have a pretty logical root. Ex-H may need to mediate the issue.

Wut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

Teen years. She’s bratty sometimes at home, and has outbursts.

This might not apply, but want to throw it out there. Emotional dysregulation can be a central symptom in autistic children. I have two autistic kids that do not have emotional outbursts, but I know lots of ASD families for which this is a problem. I would get this child a neuropsych evaluation, to see if there are any diagnoses that are impeding her development (ADHD, ASD, anxiety, depression, etc). And then go from there. I say this because most people naturally converge on divorce as the root of all children's problems, and sometimes it is! But not always...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

This crosses the line. You shouldn't have anything to do with grandchildren's college process, except for grandparent legacy if you happen ot have one.
Your grandchildren are NOT your kids, to be very clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

Teen years. She’s bratty sometimes at home, and has outbursts.

This might not apply, but want to throw it out there. Emotional dysregulation can be a central symptom in autistic children. I have two autistic kids that do not have emotional outbursts, but I know lots of ASD families for which this is a problem. I would get this child a neuropsych evaluation, to see if there are any diagnoses that are impeding her development (ADHD, ASD, anxiety, depression, etc). And then go from there. I say this because most people naturally converge on divorce as the root of all children's problems, and sometimes it is! But not always...

Oh FFS stop diagnosing everyone on the internet with the autism. It's incredibly rare and should not be considered a go-to explanation for behavior in a troubled teen. What OP describes sounds like a very normal kid who is understandably having trouble regulating extreme emotions due to hormones compounded by externalities like her family situation being upended. Saying, "oh it might be autism" is so unbelievably insensitive and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on? be honest. For sure she's been like this at home and now she's taken the show on the road.

This crosses the line. You shouldn't have anything to do with grandchildren's college process, except for grandparent legacy if you happen ot have one.
Your grandchildren are NOT your kids, to be very clear.

Wut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

Are there other siblings in your house? Older? Or younger? If so, don’t forget how this will impact them too-especially if younger (they see and feel it all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take away her phone and her school computer. She can sit in class without the computer and only use the school computer under parental supervision at home.

This. What does her father say?

He doesn’t agree with the school consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

In addition to everything else she sounds addicted to her phone. She must go cold turkey - she can call her dad from your phone or get a flip phone for texting but NO SOCIAL MEDIA. This is too important to ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

Are there other siblings in your house? Older? Or younger? If so, don’t forget how this will impact them too-especially if younger (they see and feel it all).

Three other kids. 19 year old DS in college, 13 year old DS, and 10 year old DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

Are there other siblings in your house? Older? Or younger? If so, don’t forget how this will impact them too-especially if younger (they see and feel it all).

Three other kids. 19 year old DS in college, 13 year old DS, and 10 year old DD.

Are they bios, halfs, or steps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

Are there other siblings in your house? Older? Or younger? If so, don’t forget how this will impact them too-especially if younger (they see and feel it all).

Three other kids. 19 year old DS in college, 13 year old DS, and 10 year old DD.

Are they bios, halfs, or steps?

All my bio kids. They have tween/teen stepsiblings.

[Anonymous]

Zero chance this all happened. Can't even make it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to get a flip phone.

And really truly ask yourself if it's entirely due to your ex and the stepfamily or if there are other reasons too, maybe reasons on your end. Blaming the ex is all too convenient.

+1

Has she had a history of lacking emotional regulation?

That reaction is very extreme for a 15-year-old. Even one whose dad is remarried.

Get rid of the phone and make sure she has a lot of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) No phone. Phone is gone. Flip phone with no internet if she needs it.

2) She earns the money to replace the laptop. If the school is covering the cost (I don't know how that works), then she earns the money of the value of the laptop and gives it to the PTA. I would guess the best time to be earning that money is... during her suspension. When she FOR SURE isn't doing anything fun (no friends, no screens).

3) Tell the counselor, talk to the folks at school, do whatever they recommend.

4) Is there anything that she likes doing that you two can do together? Get something that fits that description on the calendar for within he next month. She does need some safe connection. (Obviously don't connect these two things for her, but it's a wake up call to you that the two of you need some quality time).

5) After things calm down (maybe a couple days) and she's past the suspension and has come to terms with her various punishments, see if you can get her to open up to you. NOT about the suspension, no judgment, nothing like that, just something like "how are you feeling about Stepmom?" or "you've seemed so unhappy lately - what's the worst part?" or something. See if you can get her talking about what's going on with her, non-judgmentally. Maybe there are things that you or she or the family can do differently that would make her life a little easier or better that are within the realm of family life. Demonstrate some creative problem solving.

Thanks for the suggestions.

I'm trying to take the phone away as a consequence, but I recognize she needs it to stay in touch with her dad and family, so I'll be giving her cell plan back and figuring out another approach. Right now, she’s limited to two hours a day, which is punishment enough for her—she really hates being off it. I can also ask the school, about computer usage.

We do have to pay for the damage that she caused. Her suspension starts tomorrow and she goes back to school on Thursday, so that is a long time to work on earning that money.

We're working closely with medical professionals, and were currently in the process of seeking an evaluation. Her dad only got remarried a year and a half ago. She’s been in therapy, but it hasn’t been very effective, so they’re wondering if their is something deeper going on.

She spends most of her time with me and refuses to go to her dad's. We do a lot of activities she enjoys (when she isn’t being a total brat!) and we’re actively addressing her challenges together.

Let the school consequences be the school consequences, and recognize that even though you’ve been trying lots of things, it isn’t working. Your DD is showing you she needs more and different help. Increased individual and family therapy (are you sure current therapist is doing well?). I’m sorry OP, this is difficult stuff.