My child really upset about not getting into “Big 3” School

[Anonymous]

It's good to learn with failure and disappointment at this age. It builds resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

I have a graduate and current upper schooler at a Big3. The only kids getting into an Ivy or similar unhooked from our school are top10% kids. It's really not a good option for most kids if they're concerned about college admits. These kids are working their a$$ off, 3-4 hours a night for 4 years, turning in college-level literary analyses ever month to end up at with a few Bs and any chance of Ivies or similar over. Meanwhile, kids at DCPS are doing a fraction of the work, getting As for completion in many classes and ending up with Ivy choices. I know as I had graduates from both.

Life is not over if you don't make it into a Big3. In fact unless you have a really outlier kid it's probably not a good choice.

+one million...i wish more people would realize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

Show her pictures of children in Gaza. Talk to her about the 100+ girls killed while at school in Iran.

Ah, the fallacy of relative privation.

[Anonymous]

I suggest talking to a college counselor and see if they will let you pay for an hourly meeting.
The reality is that it is really challenging to get into a top college from a "big 3" school because you are in direct competition with your peers. The best saying I've heard from an admissions officer is that "it's not about what you've done, it's about what you've done with what you've had." In a competitive environment, it's challenging just to be an average kid. In a less competitive school, it's actually easier to take full advantage of all the resources and advanced classes to stand out from peers. A well informed college counselor can explain this and help your daughter understand how to approach building her profile starting as a Freshman. Her feelings are valid but her understanding is misinformed. I'd get a professional in front of her and talk about some action steps that get her closer to her goals related to college. There is a lot of misinformation about college admissions, and a lot of it comes from friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

You tell her what I told my daughter - it’s much better for your college prospects to be at the very top of your class and it’s easier at a less competitive school. My DD went to a good but not quite big 3 (she was waitlisted and never got in). Now she is probably going to be valedictorian. It’s unlikely she would have been at big 3. That and her PSAT scores were very high - we haven’t gotten her SATs back yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what you get for sending your kid to a snobby private school OP. Guess what? Kids in public school get into college too.

DP

Wow! Who’s the snob here!!

[Anonymous]

Explain that living a sheltered life in a privileged bubble is actually a big disadvantage…because it really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

I have a graduate and current upper schooler at a Big3. The only kids getting into an Ivy or similar unhooked from our school are top10% kids. It's really not a good option for most kids if they're concerned about college admits. These kids are working their a$$ off, 3-4 hours a night for 4 years, turning in college-level literary analyses ever month to end up at with a few Bs and any chance of Ivies or similar over. Meanwhile, kids at DCPS are doing a fraction of the work, getting As for completion in many classes and ending up with Ivy choices. I know as I had graduates from both.

Life is not over if you don't make it into a Big3. In fact unless you have a really outlier kid it's probably not a good choice.

Are you sure they are doing a fraction of the work? They might have just as much work in the ECs and other activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her that many public school kids go to Top 10 colleges and universities, and that's always an option for her, while many "Big 3" graduates do not. That's the truth. Where she ends up for college is still up to her.

This. I have multiple friends at Jackson Reed whose kids are heading to Ivies next year.

+1

I went a top boarding school, but my kids are at JR. It's not fancy, but kids who try hard have great outcomes. It's a diverse community with unbeatable school spirit and lots of clubs and activities for everyone. Plus, less homework is something to celebrate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

I have a graduate and current upper schooler at a Big3. The only kids getting into an Ivy or similar unhooked from our school are top10% kids. It's really not a good option for most kids if they're concerned about college admits. These kids are working their a$$ off, 3-4 hours a night for 4 years, turning in college-level literary analyses ever month to end up at with a few Bs and any chance of Ivies or similar over. Meanwhile, kids at DCPS are doing a fraction of the work, getting As for completion in many classes and ending up with Ivy choices. I know as I had graduates from both.

Life is not over if you don't make it into a Big3. In fact unless you have a really outlier kid it's probably not a good choice.

Are you sure they are doing a fraction of the work? They might have just as much work in the ECs and other activities.

The private kids have the same ECs and activities plus the 3-4 hours of homework nightly beginning in 9th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

Show her pictures of children in Gaza. Talk to her about the 100+ girls killed while at school in Iran.

Should she show pictures and video from October 7th too or nah?

Sure, why wouldn't she?

[Anonymous]

There are lots of stories like ours that you can tell your kid.

My mom always says that getting rejected (well, wait-listed) by Sidwell was the best thing that ever happened to DC. Pouring oil on the flames, Sidwell also took DC's extremely well-connected friend. DC did get into a cathedral school but we opted for a public magnet instead. The rejection lit a fire under DC like nobody's business, plus DC found something they were really excited about and DC excelled at a national level at this thing. Your kid will need to find that spark/flame, for sure. DC ended up at a very top USNWR university, which was the best college outcome (at least on paper) from among all their circle of elementary private school friends.

[Anonymous]

How are several of her friends getting in with hundreds if not thousands of kids trying to get in? How many spots are there between the schools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve taken care to not discuss “Big 3” schools or anything of that nature around DD 14 as she applies to high schools. However, I guess she heard about it from friends or something, because it’s looking like she will not be going to a “Big 3” school next year but her friends mostly are. They are always rejoicing about their academic prospects, while she feels hers are nonexistent and she’ll never get into college. This is so heartbreaking to me. How do I comfort my child and show her that a Big 3 school is not everything?

Show her pictures of children in Gaza
. Talk to her about the 100+ girls killed while at school in Iran.

Should she show pictures and video from October 7th too or nah?

Throw that in of course, but those won’t make the Gaza children bombing to die with American made bomb any better nor would they make the girls die in Iran school any better! Oct 7 is horrible, but it doesn’t make future massive killings justified!!

[Anonymous]

Focus on joy and values. What's bringing her joy? She will need to focus on that to sustain herself every day of life. And values: what does she value? Name brands? Rigor? Fit? Friendship? I'm sure there's a value she can identify that she sees being consistent with the school where she's going.

And, for the more concrete, sure, share stories of how peoples' self-identity of success doesn't always do them well. Like the talented athlete who doesn't start on their team one year and acts like a total a-hole, to the point where she's no longer as valued there. Or the many people I knew who went to a top private school yet who couldn't deal with their feelings and relationships and ended up being super late to marry, which caused them a lot of heartache. Not saying there's a direct correlation, but point being, there's NOT a direct correlation between achievement and happiness.