11 year old daughter’s behavior escalating at home

[Anonymous]

My son arrived at college and was assigned a roommate who whose behavior was so severely rigid that he left college by Thanksgiving. Nice kid. No tolerance for any discomfort or change of expectations. It was really sad, as we felt that had he had earlier intervention, he might have been okay.

Instead, the parents had accommodated his rigidity and this reinforced it. It’s great than you see this issue and are beginning to pursue a plan to help your child. Now is the time to get support and help your child to thrive in later life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it sounds very much like she is masking at school and then unmasking at home. I agree with PP on the evaluation.

THIS. THIS. THIS.

Lower the demands on her. Make home cozy and easier. Lots of soft and easy loving interactions, not criticism and “consequences.”

I agree. You described her as good at everything, everyone loves her, she’s pretty much flawless. She chooses to release her frustration or resentment at home, at you. Make sure she’s not doing any activities that you picked, not her. It doesn’t matter if she’s good at it. She isn’t having problems at school so there should be a way to positively discuss her day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sounds very much like she is masking at school and then unmasking at home. I agree with PP on the evaluation.

This. You are describing my ADHD/anxiety kid perfectly.

There is help for all of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens in public or school if things don't go her way?

Nothing. She might get frustrated, but keeps it to herself and hides it.

It’s not nothing. She internalizes it and freezes. When she tries to thaw out at home, you see it as misbehavior. It isn’t.

You’re being intentionally misleading.

The question the OP was responding to was clearly about behavior. They asked how the daughter handles similar disappointments at school that lead to meltdowns at home. The answer of “nothing” is meant to say that she takes it in stride and behaves in a way that’s not only socially acceptable, but her her friends and teachers also view her in a very positive light.

Yeah this is why the “masking” concept is so useless. No child with significant issues is actually totally fine at school. It is much more likely that they are reacting as PP suggests (internalizing instead of externalizing) or that there is in fact rigidity showing at school but school is less triggering of it (because by definition it is more predictable and structured) OR the school is just not mentioning it.

Internalizing IS masking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens in public or school if things don't go her way?

Nothing. She might get frustrated, but keeps it to herself and hides it.

It’s not nothing. She internalizes it and freezes. When she tries to thaw out at home, you see it as misbehavior. It isn’t.

You’re being intentionally misleading.

The question the OP was responding to was clearly about behavior. They asked how the daughter handles similar disappointments at school that lead to meltdowns at home. The answer of “nothing” is meant to say that she takes it in stride and behaves in a way that’s not only socially acceptable, but her her friends and teachers also view her in a very positive light.

Yeah this is why the “masking” concept is so useless. No child with significant issues is actually totally fine at school. It is much more likely that they are reacting as PP suggests (internalizing instead of externalizing) or that there is in fact rigidity showing at school but school is less triggering of it (because by definition it is more predictable and structured) OR the school is just not mentioning it.

Internalizing IS masking.

No it isn’t. It’s internalizing. Or could simply be fewer triggers at school.