11 year old daughter’s behavior escalating at home

[Anonymous]

My daughter who turned 11 in Dec is thriving at school — teachers really like her, she’s shy and quiet but kind, has a close-knit group of friends, plays a sport she good at and likes, and gets good grades. There are no behavioral issues and no complaints from teachers. She’s also honestly perfect around extended family and family friends — polite, helpful, calm. Academically and socially, there are no concerns outside the home. Cognitively she seems mature for her age — smart, articulate, can entertain herself, and generally does her chores.

At home, though, her behavior feels very intense. She cries easily, hits when upset, and has a very hard time when things don’t go the way she expects. If she has something in her head about how something should go and it doesn’t happen that way, it spirals quickly. We went to a winter fair around Christmastime and she went on many rides, but because she didn’t go on every single one, she had a full meltdown when it was time to leave — crying and refusing to go.

If we’re choosing a restaurant, she fixates on one place and won’t compromise. If she wants a specific shirt or shoes and can’t find them, she’ll cry, scream, and sometimes hit. If dinner is different than what she expected, she refuses to eat. When she’s mad, it can escalate to slamming doors or throwing whatever is nearby. The reactions often feel much bigger than the situation.

Birthdays and big events often end the same way — even if she’s had a great time, once everything winds down she’ll complain something wasn’t right and end up crying.

She’s sweet in that she isn’t focused on trends or appearances — she’ll wear whatever I buy and doesn’t care much about how she looks. I’ll sometimes try to curl her hair for school and she refuses because she says she doesn’t care. At the same time, she resists doing certain basic things independently, like fully rinsing her hair, using a hairbrush properly, or picking out an outfit on her own.

We’ve tried consequences and different approaches, but nothing seems to change. What should we do next?

[Anonymous]

Do all of you a favor and get a full neuropsych eval. Could be nothing, could be high functioning autism or a form of OCD (commonly presents at this age). Information is power abd unlocks tools.

[Anonymous]

it sounds very much like she is masking at school and then unmasking at home. I agree with PP on the evaluation.

[Anonymous]

This may also be her struggling to regulate her emotions as adolescence progresses. Pretty normal but her actions are cries for help. She needs language and guidance on how to manage her feelings and some perspective that what she's experiencing is a phase. I also think that she expends so much energy all day long being the perfect student/friend, so comes home exhausted and overwhelmed and takes it out in her family, who are safe and will love her unconditionally. Help her understand what she's feeling and guide her with other ways to address and express these feelings.

[Anonymous]

What happens in public or school if things don't go her way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens in public or school if things don't go her way?

Nothing. She might get frustrated, but keeps it to herself and hides it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may also be her struggling to regulate her emotions as adolescence progresses. Pretty normal but her actions are cries for help. She needs language and guidance on how to manage her feelings and some perspective that what she's experiencing is a phase. I also think that she expends so much energy all day long being the perfect student/friend, so comes home exhausted and overwhelmed and takes it out in her family, who are safe and will love her unconditionally. Help her understand what she's feeling and guide her with other ways to address and express these feelings.

It could be but she has been like this for a couple years now, and she doesn’t show any signs of puberty right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do all of you a favor and get a full neuropsych eval. Could be nothing, could be high functioning autism or a form of OCD (commonly presents at this age). Information is power abd unlocks tools.

Thanks, that would help a ton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do all of you a favor and get a full neuropsych eval. Could be nothing, could be high functioning autism or a form of OCD (commonly presents at this age). Information is power abd unlocks tools.

Thanks, that would help a ton.

I was thinking the same. Could be high functioning autism and/or anxiety. My dd has both and has similar rigidity. Or totally could be hormonal. They say the first sign of puberty is not smell or body hair, it's a slammed door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sounds very much like she is masking at school and then unmasking at home. I agree with PP on the evaluation.

THIS. THIS. THIS.

Lower the demands on her. Make home cozy and easier. Lots of soft and easy loving interactions, not criticism and “consequences.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens in public or school if things don't go her way?

Nothing. She might get frustrated, but keeps it to herself and hides it.

It’s not nothing. She internalizes it and freezes. When she tries to thaw out at home, you see it as misbehavior. It isn’t.

[Anonymous]

OCD or other anxiety. Hormones make it worse.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t fixate on the diagnoses, because no matter what these issues seem very suited to therapy/CBT. Especially since she’s a good student, if she can pick up some techniques for managing her expectations and disappointment (which it sounds like is just something else squeezing out where it feels “allowed”), that could really help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter who turned 11 in Dec is thriving at school — teachers really like her, she’s shy and quiet but kind, has a close-knit group of friends, plays a sport she good at and likes, and gets good grades. There are no behavioral issues and no complaints from teachers. She’s also honestly perfect around extended family and family friends — polite, helpful, calm. Academically and socially, there are no concerns outside the home. Cognitively she seems mature for her age — smart, articulate, can entertain herself, and generally does her chores.

At home, though, her behavior feels very intense. She cries easily, hits when upset, and has a very hard time when things don’t go the way she expects. If she has something in her head about how something should go and it doesn’t happen that way, it spirals quickly. We went to a winter fair around Christmastime and she went on many rides, but because she didn’t go on every single one, she had a full meltdown when it was time to leave — crying and refusing to go.

If we’re choosing a restaurant, she fixates on one place and won’t compromise. If she wants a specific shirt or shoes and can’t find them, she’ll cry, scream, and sometimes hit. If dinner is different than what she expected, she refuses to eat. When she’s mad, it can escalate to slamming doors or throwing whatever is nearby. The reactions often feel much bigger than the situation.

Birthdays and big events often end the same way — even if she’s had a great time, once everything winds down she’ll complain something wasn’t right and end up crying.

She’s sweet in that she isn’t focused on trends or appearances — she’ll wear whatever I buy and doesn’t care much about how she looks. I’ll sometimes try to curl her hair for school and she refuses because she says she doesn’t care. At the same time, she resists doing certain basic things independently, like fully rinsing her hair, using a hairbrush properly, or picking out an outfit on her own.

We’ve tried consequences and different approaches, but nothing seems to change. What should we do next?

Hmmm who is she hitting? Kids are supposed to learn that getting hit back is reflexive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens in public or school if things don't go her way?

Nothing. She might get frustrated, but keeps it to herself and hides it.

It’s not nothing. She internalizes it and freezes. When she tries to thaw out at home, you see it as misbehavior. It isn’t.

You’re being intentionally misleading.

The question the OP was responding to was clearly about behavior. They asked how the daughter handles similar disappointments at school that lead to meltdowns at home. The answer of “nothing” is meant to say that she takes it in stride and behaves in a way that’s not only socially acceptable, but her her friends and teachers also view her in a very positive light.