Husband on his 4th DUI, worried about losing child in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen. 50/50 custody is far less common than people think, even when there’s no substance abuse involved. In your scenario, there is absolutely no world in which this person is getting 50/50. Four DUIs is extreme.

I just divorced an alcoholic and was awarded sole legal and physical custody. My children are with me full time. The court ordered that their father may have supervised visitation only after completing treatment and enrolling in ongoing breath and urine monitoring to verify abstinence. He has refused to do any of that, so there is currently no visitation.

Even if he were to choose treatment and recovery, the court would require at least six months of consistent, documented compliance before even considering unsupervised parenting time.

For context, I’m in Montgomery County, Maryland. My ex has zero DUIs. He does, however, have medical records confirming cirrhosis/pancreatitis, and a long history of failed rehabs. Early in our separation, he appeared credible on paper — employed and earning $300k. Once he moved out, his drinking escalated, he started dating, blew all his money, and he is now unemployed.

Courts look at patterns and risk, not wishful thinking. Four DUIs is a *massive* red flag. You need a good attorney. Immediately.

WHOA WHOA!! slow your roll, PP!
OP clearly stated that DH has ZERO DUIs on his record. Two charges were dropped and the third was pleaded down. This means there is likely NO EVIDENCE of harm to child.

OP- any chance child was in the car during the third or fourth arrests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please talk to a lawyer. You deserve accurate legal advice about this.

I echo this advice. A lawyer will be able to give you a good idea of what to expect which is critical for informed decision making.

I was very surprised to hear from a lawyer that I had a reasonable chance of getting full custody with supervised visitation. There are also third party monitored breathalyzers that can ensure sobriety when the alcoholic is with the kids (or daily, depending on the agreement). I was surprised how may options there were to protect my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not let your son in the car when he is driving. Since it seems so far he has zero convictions for DWI, it isn't going to be held against him and woudn't factor into the custody. Hopefully this one sticks and is on record as a DWI conviction.

Regardless if you divorce or not, you absolutely must educate your son on the dangers of getting in the car when daddy has had even a sip of alcohol or is acting even a hint buzzed, etc. Help son develop a backup plan if he is caught somewhere without a ride and doesn't feel safe getting in the car with dad. If you can get DH on board and present a united front, even better. Maybe a few family therapy sessions where this can be worked out together with a trained professional guiding the discussion?

Sorry you are going through this, OP. I dealt with the same and even had to be that backup driver for my kids on a few occasions. Stayed married just to limit the number of times he could possibly get behind the wheel with them in the car and me not be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not let your son in the car when he is driving. Since it seems so far he has zero convictions for DWI, it isn't going to be held against him and woudn't factor into the custody. Hopefully this one sticks and is on record as a DWI conviction.

Do you mean when he is drinking/drunk? Clearly, OP would not.

Just period. You can't always tell that someone has been drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen. 50/50 custody is far less common than people think, even when there’s no substance abuse involved. In your scenario, there is absolutely no world in which this person is getting 50/50. Four DUIs is extreme.

I just divorced an alcoholic and was awarded sole legal and physical custody. My children are with me full time. The court ordered that their father may have supervised visitation only after completing treatment and enrolling in ongoing breath and urine monitoring to verify abstinence. He has refused to do any of that, so there is currently no visitation.

Even if he were to choose treatment and recovery, the court would require at least six months of consistent, documented compliance before even considering unsupervised parenting time.

For context, I’m in Montgomery County, Maryland. My ex has zero DUIs. He does, however, have medical records confirming cirrhosis/pancreatitis, and a long history of failed rehabs. Early in our separation, he appeared credible on paper — employed and earning $300k. Once he moved out, his drinking escalated, he started dating, blew all his money, and he is now unemployed.

Courts look at patterns and risk, not wishful thinking. Four DUIs is a *massive* red flag. You need a good attorney. Immediately.

WHOA WHOA!! slow your roll, PP!
OP clearly stated that DH has ZERO DUIs on his record. Two charges were dropped and the third was pleaded down. This means there is likely NO EVIDENCE of harm to child.

OP- any chance child was in the car during the third or fourth arrests?

This happened 4 times and there is evidence, whether it’s on “on the record” or not. Purchase receipts from liquor stores paint a picture too. She can hire a PI to prove he drinks daily, drinks and drives, etc. Judges make decisions based on patterns not isolated incidents. One DUI 10 years ago is far different than **FOUR** DUIs, including a recent one.

This is about child safety. Kids cannot be alone with a man who routinely gets behind the wheel drunk. If dad chooses to get well, fantastic. Then he should have shared custody. If not, the kids are better off away from him. Growing up in a household with addiction creates serious lifelong harm.

[Anonymous]

You need an attorney asap.

And I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think you are being pretty realistic about how custody will play out. I’ve posted here before but I know a guy who got 50/50 as long as he had an ignition device and it was only for a limited amount of time. As soon as that time was up, he went back to drinking. The best his ex, who is an attorney, can do is document what’s going on and wait for the standard time in our jurisdiction before she can file for modification. For now she is being 100% obsessive about documenting things like on-time drop offs, school attendance, homework, extracurriculars, etc. The documentation is almost its own part-time job.

But you MUST get out. If he kills someone or causes horrible injuries and their family sued, imagine the legal and financial consequences you would face as a family. If you can’t get better than 50/50 custody, you’ll still be better off than being married to someone who could financially ruin your family forever in addition to the impact it had on another family.

[Anonymous]

So, I went through this with my (now) xH and I'll tell you what I did.

First, I was NOT supportive. The problem with addicts is that people are too nice and "supportive". The only language they speak is consequences.

I took the kids to a friend's house, came home, and screamed at my H. I mean SCREAMED. Although threw plenty of threats in there. I wanted to put the absolute fear of God into him.

People will say that's an over-reaction, but 1. I saw this as no different than a stranger trying to kill my kids, requiring full mama-bear mode and 2. Alcoholism runs in my family, and we had a tragic and completely avoidable death in the family due to intoxication. So I'm not gonna mess around when it comes to my kids' lives.

I let him know if he ever touched any substance ever again, I would kick him out of the house, change the locks, and he would never see the kids again. Yes, technically, the courts would not see things that way. But addicts typically have high levels of shame and secrecy around their addiction, and just the threat of bringing it out into court for a judge and witnesses to see is often enough. I also met with an attorney and started making a paper trail so I would have evidence for court.

To his credit, he sobered up after that. Never touched it again. Partially because he realized life is better without it, partially because he is terrified of me, ha.

We ended up divorcing a few years later bc sadly he replaced that addiction with addiction to chasing other women. But, I knew he wouldn't ever drive under the influence with the kids, so I felt okay leaving.

[Anonymous]

Definitely talk to a lawyer. The person I know in MoCo was able to get a custody agreement where her husband has to do a breathalyzer before picking their kid up, and has to do them at random times throughout the custodial time (there is an app; it's on video so they can tell it's him, and if he's been drinking she gets notified and the agreement allows her to pick the kid up immediately).

[Anonymous]

This makes me sick you had a second kid with a person that dies this!

Shame on you

FOCUS you complete clown

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has had his fourth arrest for a DUI.

He had three, over 10 years ago. Two were dropped due to issues with the police and calibrating the breathalyzer, and the other he pleaded down to negligent driving.

He blew a 2.17. I really want to divorce him, but what would happen? I end up with 50/50 custody, and then my kid is around an alcoholic unsupervised 50% of the time. It seems like a crappy deal for our son. If I stay with my husband, then I will at least always have my son with me. I can do without my husband, but I can't do without my child. I'm giving off the impression of being mildly supportive outwardly, but inside, I resent him.

. You should resent him. If you stay married you are endangering yourself and your children. And if you hire a decent attorney he will not have 50/50. You could get 100 percent custody with him getting visitation. He should be ashamed of himself. 4 dui arrests? And how many times did he drive drunk without getting caught or killing someone. Is he driving drunk w kids in the car. I don’t understand how you are asking what to do. If you need help find a competent therapist and get yourself out of there. Also start attending Alanon meetings assp! Plenty are online on zoom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has had his fourth arrest for a DUI.

He had three, over 10 years ago. Two were dropped due to issues with the police and calibrating the breathalyzer, and the other he pleaded down to negligent driving.

He blew a 2.17. I really want to divorce him, but what would happen? I end up with 50/50 custody, and then my kid is around an alcoholic unsupervised 50% of the time. It seems like a crappy deal for our son. If I stay with my husband, then I will at least always have my son with me. I can do without my husband, but I can't do without my child. I'm giving off the impression of being mildly supportive outwardly, but inside, I resent him.

. You should resent him. If you stay married you are endangering yourself and your children. And if you hire a decent attorney he will not have 50/50. You could get 100 percent custody with him getting visitation. He should be ashamed of himself. 4 dui arrests? And how many times did he drive drunk without getting caught or killing someone. Is he driving drunk w kids in the car. I don’t understand how you are asking what to do. If you need help find a competent therapist and get yourself out of there. Also start attending Alanon meetings assp! Plenty are online on zoom.

. And yes you should be ashamed of yourself too. This is just unacceptable behavior by your drunk spouse and mostly you as mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I went through this with my (now) xH and I'll tell you what I did.

First, I was NOT supportive. The problem with addicts is that people are too nice and "supportive". The only language they speak is consequences.

I took the kids to a friend's house, came home, and screamed at my H. I mean SCREAMED. Although threw plenty of threats in there. I wanted to put the absolute fear of God into him.

People will say that's an over-reaction, but 1. I saw this as no different than a stranger trying to kill my kids, requiring full mama-bear mode and 2. Alcoholism runs in my family, and we had a tragic and completely avoidable death in the family due to intoxication. So I'm not gonna mess around when it comes to my kids' lives.

I let him know if he ever touched any substance ever again, I would kick him out of the house, change the locks, and he would never see the kids again. Yes, technically, the courts would not see things that way. But addicts typically have high levels of shame and secrecy around their addiction, and just the threat of bringing it out into court for a judge and witnesses to see is often enough. I also met with an attorney and started making a paper trail so I would have evidence for court.

To his credit, he sobered up after that. Never touched it again. Partially because he realized life is better without it, partially because he is terrified of me, ha.

We ended up divorcing a few years later bc sadly he replaced that addiction with addiction to chasing other women. But, I knew he wouldn't ever drive under the influence with the kids, so I felt okay leaving.

So you didn’t fix the problem. Because getting sober for someone else won’t ever last. The alcoholic has to want to get sober and stay sober for themselves.

This is terrible advice - you can’t tell an alcoholic sober. You just can’t.

Get a lawyer in your jurisdiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get what you are saying. DH had a bad temper when my kids were young and I seriously considered leaving but stayed because I worried about him being unsupervised with the kids 50% of the time. Staying together meant he was rarely alone with the kids because he was always busy with some project if home. Fortunately, over the years the situation improved and we are still together. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes. Do you think he is open to getting treatment?

Yes, I've made it clear to him that his recovery choices will directly impact our marriage and I would sue for 90/10 custody if he doesn't take treatment seriously. I have no idea if the court would award that.

Why would you want your children in his “care” alone 10 percent of the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is his second DUI. He could do serious time or weekend time depending on the jurisdiction. His next DUI could be a felony

Reading the heading. It’s his 4th!!!!

[Anonymous]

Ma’am Meet with lawyer…. like last week.

That husband has an issue . With you around or not.

Not your burden.

Divorce