Tips for reinvigorating sex life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the dancing around on this issue is hilarious. Your wife either is sexual and wants it or doesn't. So many women married some mousy nerd just because their friends were getting married or because they wanted to have kids before they got too old, or both. Once they get the ring and the kids, they have zero interest in sex. The charade about housework or romance or whatever is because they can't admit to their spouse or themselves that there was never any real interest.

My wife and I have a great sex life that has nothing to do with housework or romance. I'm no Prince Charming. I'm tall and rich -- that's about all I have going for me. But my wife loves sex and always has. But then, neither of us are
mousy nerds who had to settle.

How old are you both? Is your wife hot?

Mid/late 40s, and yes

[Anonymous]

Definitely cutting the booze has helped. Also just taking a few extra minutes for the little things - staying shaved, ditching the granny panties, recognizing not every day is PIV day...I also keep lube stocked and handy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very good advice.

It might be obvious, but, generally, the more you’re intimate, the more you’ll want it.

I have a stronger drive that my wife, are intimate 1-2 per month. Given kids and work, 1 once a week is a realistic goal. However, my wife generally does it out of obligation, rushes it, and vanilla (unless kids are away). My goal it more meaningful. Any recommendations? I tell her it want to make it about her. Naturally low drive (even before premenopausal), uncomfortable with trying spice it up, doesn’t share preferences when asked, etc. Also, has never “O” —including solo. She assumes her body isn’t wired to.

Stop telling her that you want to make it about her. Having sex when you don’t want to is like eating when you aren’t hungry. If you just had a big meal and someone offers you food, you aren’t going to want it.

But okay, imagine that your wife just ate and your 8 year old comes over to your wife and is like “I made these cookies for you!” Your wife is probably going to take one, right? Not because she is suddenly hungry or because she really wants a cookie but because she loves your 8 year old.
It doesn’t matter what kind of cookie it is.

It’s the same thing with sex. Your wife is having sex with you because she loves you and she knows it’s important to you. Not because she is hungry. Pressuring her to tell you what kind of cookies she wants when she isn’t hungry isn’t going to make her excited to eat them. It’s going to make her irritated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After becoming a mostly dead bedroom, DH and I committed to trying to improve things and have actually made a dramatic turnaround in our sex life over the past six months or so.

We went from probably 2x / month to 3x / week. Feel more connected than ever. Here’s what actually worked.

-Committed to daily walks no matter what. 8k to 10k steps. Great way to maintain the connection
-One small overnight weekend trip every few months. Small, easy trips. Time in a hotel with your partner always helps
-Completely opened things up in terms of communicating about what things we most enjoyed sexually. No shame, no embarrassment, complete openness and honesty. Added a few things as a result of this
-Cut out alcohol. Amazing for libido
-Spent some $ on freshening up our wardrobes. If you look good, you feel good

Probably a few others, but these are the main ones. We’re proof that you can revive a dead bedroom, I promise! Have you ever had similar success?

I can vouch for this. I bought my wife a short satin robe from Victoria's Secret for Christmas (maybe it was for me?) and it's a complete turn on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very good advice.

It might be obvious, but, generally, the more you’re intimate, the more you’ll want it.

I have a stronger drive that my wife, are intimate 1-2 per month. Given kids and work, 1 once a week is a realistic goal. However, my wife generally does it out of obligation, rushes it, and vanilla (unless kids are away). My goal it more meaningful. Any recommendations? I tell her it want to make it about her. Naturally low drive (even before premenopausal), uncomfortable with trying spice it up, doesn’t share preferences when asked, etc. Also, has never “O” —including solo. She assumes her body isn’t wired to.

Stop telling her that you want to make it about her. Having sex when you don’t want to is like eating when you aren’t hungry. If you just had a big meal and someone offers you food, you aren’t going to want it.

But okay, imagine that your wife just ate and your 8 year old comes over to your wife and is like “I made these cookies for you!” Your wife is probably going to take one, right? Not because she is suddenly hungry or because she really wants a cookie but because she loves your 8 year old.
It doesn’t matter what kind of cookie it is.

It’s the same thing with sex. Your wife is having sex with you because she loves you and she knows it’s important to you. Not because she is hungry. Pressuring her to tell you what kind of cookies she wants when she isn’t hungry isn’t going to make her excited to eat them. It’s going to make her irritated.

Thanks. I’ve likely irritated. At some point in the future, would be a good way to suggest, with pressuring, to subtly suggest maybe spicing it up?

[Anonymous]

Today is National Whipped Cream day. Do with that information what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
-Spent some $ on freshening up our wardrobes. If you look good, you feel good

Probably a few others, but these are the main ones. We’re proof that you can revive a dead bedroom, I promise! Have you ever had similar success?

My wife had told me a while ago that I dress frumpy. I wasn't going to absolutely deny it but I was also a little put off by it. I DO like to dress comfortably and I'm not a fan of wearing suits. I do know that a lot of my shirts are old and i've put on some weight that I'm recommitting to take off... again. However, I did make the decision to go buy a new suit this past week that will fit properly and comfortably and now I can wear it to a work party that she has coming up. So hopefully that night ends in some fireworks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very good advice.

It might be obvious, but, generally, the more you’re intimate, the more you’ll want it.

I have a stronger drive that my wife, are intimate 1-2 per month. Given kids and work, 1 once a week is a realistic goal. However, my wife generally does it out of obligation, rushes it, and vanilla (unless kids are away). My goal it more meaningful. Any recommendations? I tell her it want to make it about her. Naturally low drive (even before premenopausal), uncomfortable with trying spice it up, doesn’t share preferences when asked, etc. Also, has never “O” —including solo. She assumes her body isn’t wired to.

Stop telling her that you want to make it about her. Having sex when you don’t want to is like eating when you aren’t hungry. If you just had a big meal and someone offers you food, you aren’t going to want it.

But okay, imagine that your wife just ate and your 8 year old comes over to your wife and is like “I made these cookies for you!” Your wife is probably going to take one, right? Not because she is suddenly hungry or because she really wants a cookie but because she loves your 8 year old.
It doesn’t matter what kind of cookie it is.

It’s the same thing with sex. Your wife is having sex with you because she loves you and she knows it’s important to you. Not because she is hungry. Pressuring her to tell you what kind of cookies she wants when she isn’t hungry isn’t going to make her excited to eat them. It’s going to make her irritated.

Thanks. I’ve likely irritated. At some point in the future, would be a good way to suggest, with pressuring, to subtly suggest maybe spicing it up?

Don’t be subtle. Be overt. Plan a date night, shower, get a new haircut, and tell her that you hope to get lucky that night!

Be like the kid telling his mommy that he loves her and he worked really hard on making a special cookie for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After becoming a mostly dead bedroom, DH and I committed to trying to improve things and have actually made a dramatic turnaround in our sex life over the past six months or so.

We went from probably 2x / month to 3x / week. Feel more connected than ever. Here’s what actually worked.

-Committed to daily walks no matter what. 8k to 10k steps. Great way to maintain the connection
-One small overnight weekend trip every few months. Small, easy trips. Time in a hotel with your partner always helps
-Completely opened things up in terms of communicating about what things we most enjoyed sexually. No shame, no embarrassment, complete openness and honesty. Added a few things as a result of this
-Cut out alcohol. Amazing for libido
-Spent some $ on freshening up our wardrobes. If you look good, you feel good

Probably a few others, but these are the main ones. We’re proof that you can revive a dead bedroom, I promise! Have you ever had similar success?

Thank you for making this post. Dead bedrooms are one of the main complaints on this forum and a real problem in many marriages. You’re the only person I’ve ever seen post something helpful.

When you say cutting out alcahol helped libido - how much drinking was there before? Was it mostly one partner’s drinking or both?

[Anonymous]

Try a local nudist colony. Perhaps something unexpected will spark the dead bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After becoming a mostly dead bedroom, DH and I committed to trying to improve things and have actually made a dramatic turnaround in our sex life over the past six months or so.

We went from probably 2x / month to 3x / week. Feel more connected than ever. Here’s what actually worked.

-Committed to daily walks no matter what. 8k to 10k steps. Great way to maintain the connection
-One small overnight weekend trip every few months. Small, easy trips. Time in a hotel with your partner always helps
-Completely opened things up in terms of communicating about what things we most enjoyed sexually. No shame, no embarrassment, complete openness and honesty. Added a few things as a result of this
-Cut out alcohol. Amazing for libido
-Spent some $ on freshening up our wardrobes. If you look good, you feel good

Probably a few others, but these are the main ones. We’re proof that you can revive a dead bedroom, I promise! Have you ever had similar success?

I am glad that worked for you.

What reinvigorated my sex life was divorcing my dud exDH and having sex with someone younger, hotter and happier. YMMV.

Ha, same here. Current partner is nearly 20 years younger than xH. Nice to have sex with someone who is actually interested in it.

You shouldn’t be having sex with “someone” if you’re not married to them

[Anonymous]

M and F tend to be opposites as far as frequency and resulting libido:

The more women “O” the more they want more, while with men, an “O” satisfies the urge for a while.

[Anonymous]

Watch Heated Rivalry in bed together. It woke up our dead bedroom. Now I need them fi release a whole bunch of new episodes. Super hot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After becoming a mostly dead bedroom, DH and I committed to trying to improve things and have actually made a dramatic turnaround in our sex life over the past six months or so.

We went from probably 2x / month to 3x / week. Feel more connected than ever. Here’s what actually worked.

-Committed to daily walks no matter what. 8k to 10k steps. Great way to maintain the connection
-One small overnight weekend trip every few months. Small, easy trips. Time in a hotel with your partner always helps
-Completely opened things up in terms of communicating about what things we most enjoyed sexually. No shame, no embarrassment, complete openness and honesty. Added a few things as a result of this
-Cut out alcohol. Amazing for libido
-Spent some $ on freshening up our wardrobes. If you look good, you feel good

Probably a few others, but these are the main ones. We’re proof that you can revive a dead bedroom, I promise! Have you ever had similar success?

I’m sorry, but your example isn’t really fitting. Having sex twice a month doesn’t count as a dead bedroom.
You will see plenty of discussions here about sexless marriages, like where couples go a year or longer without any sex. That’s what people refer to as a dead bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After becoming a mostly dead bedroom, DH and I committed to trying to improve things and have actually made a dramatic turnaround in our sex life over the past six months or so.

We went from probably 2x / month to 3x / week. Feel more connected than ever. Here’s what actually worked.

-Committed to daily walks no matter what. 8k to 10k steps. Great way to maintain the connection
-One small overnight weekend trip every few months. Small, easy trips. Time in a hotel with your partner always helps
-Completely opened things up in terms of communicating about what things we most enjoyed sexually. No shame, no embarrassment, complete openness and honesty. Added a few things as a result of this
-Cut out alcohol. Amazing for libido
-Spent some $ on freshening up our wardrobes. If you look good, you feel good

Probably a few others, but these are the main ones. We’re proof that you can revive a dead bedroom, I promise! Have you ever had similar success?

I’m sorry, but your example isn’t really fitting. Having sex twice a month doesn’t count as a dead bedroom.
You will see plenty of discussions here about sexless marriages, like where couples go a year or longer without any sex. That’s what people refer to as a dead bedroom.

Its still a helpful post.