How to overcome shame and be truthful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you were a victim of domestic abuse. Are you in therapy? I think seeking one-on-one therapy, and in addition a support group, would provide more productive answers to you than what you'll get in this thread.
There are PPs that are saying you need to own what you did to create this situation. I agree with you this is perhaps too knee jerk judgmental for people that have not lived your experience. However, to move forward in your life, it's valuable for you to understand something about your reactions during the marriage and the divorce proceedings. Not from a "you screwed up" place, but from a "what have I learned about myself from this experience, and how can I make the most positive path forward for myself and my kids?"
When you have a answer to those questions, and you feel good about those answers, you won't fret so much about what you "think" other people are thinking, because they might "think" but you will KNOW.
I hope you can find some peace this holiday season. I know it can be a challenging time for folks with custody challenges.

The problem is that she is not able to convince anyone, including here sadly, that it was abuse since he was given full custody. She didn't have $$ for a decent lawyer and that's the problem here.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you need to go into any type of explanation. "At the time of separation, kids were living with Dad and then by the time the divorce was settled nearly 2 years later after Covid, we didn't want to disturb their routine and the lives they had set up". It's not 100% the truth but it makes sense. If people are going to judge you, you don't want them in your life anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

Oh please. There was a long-standing presumption that the kids were better off with the mother. That's why no one questioned it.

You misunderstand. When a man does not have custody, no one presumes he did something to not have custody, or they even assume he's ok with it. No onr questions it, no shame, no gossip. When a woman does not have custody, all types of assumptions are made. As shown here.

[Anonymous]

Why did the second case fail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you were a victim of domestic abuse. Are you in therapy? I think seeking one-on-one therapy, and in addition a support group, would provide more productive answers to you than what you'll get in this thread.
There are PPs that are saying you need to own what you did to create this situation. I agree with you this is perhaps too knee jerk judgmental for people that have not lived your experience. However, to move forward in your life, it's valuable for you to understand something about your reactions during the marriage and the divorce proceedings. Not from a "you screwed up" place, but from a "what have I learned about myself from this experience, and how can I make the most positive path forward for myself and my kids?"
When you have a answer to those questions, and you feel good about those answers, you won't fret so much about what you "think" other people are thinking, because they might "think" but you will KNOW.
I hope you can find some peace this holiday season. I know it can be a challenging time for folks with custody challenges.

The problem is that she is not able to convince anyone, including here sadly, that it was abuse since he was given full custody. She didn't have $$ for a decent lawyer and that's the problem here.

Oh I have no trouble believing that. Abusive men get custody all that time. If it wasn't physical abuse I doubt the court would even consider it, and they don't care much about physical either if it's only against the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

Oh please. There was a long-standing presumption that the kids were better off with the mother. That's why no one questioned it.

You misunderstand. When a man does not have custody, no one presumes he did something to not have custody, or they even assume he's ok with it. No onr questions it, no shame, no gossip. When a woman does not have custody, all types of assumptions are made. As shown here.

Well yeah, because it's unnatural for children not to be with their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

Oh please. There was a long-standing presumption that the kids were better off with the mother. That's why no one questioned it.

You misunderstand. When a man does not have custody, no one presumes he did something to not have custody, or they even assume he's ok with it. No onr questions it, no shame, no gossip. When a woman does not have custody, all types of assumptions are made. As shown here.

Are you really this dense?

No one "presumed he did something to not have custody" because, as I said, the "presumption" has always been that the kids go with the mother. When the mother doesn't have custody that's why "assumptions" are made.

[Anonymous]

Lying only exacerbates shame and it puts a wall between you and others that will make you feel more and more alone. As you recover, build back self esteem, seek therapy etc maybe you can try to expand your social network to include more compassionate people - try a church or reconnecting with old friends - who can sit with your whole story and help you accept your history and build a new future. You will likely find over time that it brings relief and a more realistic self-image

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you get emergency child support from the get go? You sent the kids to live with a man you knew/thought was abusive.

This thread is confirming my fears. What can I say?

Well, you described this horrible man -- and you shipped your kids off to live with him? Really?

I guess I just pray you never find yourself in that position. Thank you anyway.

OP, people won't get it until they have been there or seen it close up. I have seen it close up more than once. Financial abusers have you right where they want you by the time the divorce happens. You were impoverished by them and with them through many micro decisions and macro ones that you did not know about or were not able to put a stop to because of the dynamic. It is out of control by the time you manage to leave.

I saw the husband ruin my friend's credit and spend all the cash before leaving, including padding his own nest elsewhere. She was working but drowning in debt, including his purchases that she had tried to oppose. I have talked another friend down who was going to finally give the children to the ex during the separation, because she was out of money and needed to move for the only job she could find. She didn't want to disrupt the kids' schooling and the husband treated the kids much better than he treated her. Her divorce lawyer finally convinced her that doing so would hurt her for custody later. She continues to scrape by on gig work without a real job and is building a legal debt at the same time. It is a mess. Only the people who know how bad the ex is can even imagine how you got in this position.

At some point, you may just be honest about the fact that you were fighting an abusive narcissist and lost.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried to get 50/50 custody since the divorce? Seeing them 10 weeks out of 52 is not good for any of you. But why bring it up to others? If they ask, you have your kids at this time period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I think you are reading negativity into the two posts that offered sample dialogue because you judge yourself. Sending your kids to live with their dad because he could better provide for them at that time is a sound and courageous parenting decision. The unintended consequence has been bad, and perhaps you would have done things differently if you'd known how it would play out, but there's nothing wrong with you having said, "I think my kids are better off with their father right now." I think you have to give yourself grace and absolution before you can feel confident engaging with others. You come across as defensive, even when people aren't judging, because you're still judging yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I think you are reading negativity into the two posts that offered sample dialogue because you judge yourself. Sending your kids to live with their dad because he could better provide for them at that time is a sound and courageous parenting decision. The unintended consequence has been bad, and perhaps you would have done things differently if you'd known how it would play out, but there's nothing wrong with you having said, "I think my kids are better off with their father right now." I think you have to give yourself grace and absolution before you can feel confident engaging with others. You come across as defensive, even when people aren't judging, because you're still judging yourself.

+1

Yes - several people have offered great sample responses you could use that I would not judge. You will have to heal yourself internally and practice being honest and calm as you share more and accept your own imperfections. You may be surprised by how accepting many (even if not all) people are - give yourself this opportunity instead of preemptively deciding people are judging you. Give people the chance to help you and accept you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I definitely make negative judgements about it.

Do you see your kids at all?

Honestly I think the problem here is that you don’t seem to be owning up to whatever led to this. You shouldn’t have been in such a precarious financial situation in the first place and shouldn’t have sent your kids away.

This is OP. I see my kids 10 weeks during the year, and travel to see them/coordinate additional travel on top of agreed-upon throughout the year and have since I could afford it.

I was a SAHM and pregnant when I found out my ex cheated, then I took out a credit card to escape an abusive situation. I was poor and I didn’t get a salaried job until 2021, right after the divorce. I just never had money and my ex was financially abusive so wasn’t able to save anything to leave. Like I posted previously, no family support or other people I could ask for help.

I do regret sending my kids away, but I was living in a car-dependent place, taking classes and working full-time with my kids in daycare and preschool. Which I wouldn’t have been able to sustain without a car. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t think my husband would try to keep custody, and would weaponize the custody he had/the court system.

So yeah - your reaction is why I don’t disclose. And probably will continue not to disclose. People really assume the worst! And I’m not going to tell everyone this tale, obviously.

OP most of us would go to a homeless shelter before sending our infants to live with an abusive person. Your story is just really unclear. Also unclear why you didn’t move to where your kids are. I’m not assuming the worst, I just think your circumstances must be different than what you describe. I think therapy for you is probably the best plan as is a plan to move near your kids to get more regular custody every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

Oh please. There was a long-standing presumption that the kids were better off with the mother. That's why no one questioned it.

You misunderstand. When a man does not have custody, no one presumes he did something to not have custody, or they even assume he's ok with it. No onr questions it, no shame, no gossip. When a woman does not have custody, all types of assumptions are made. As shown here.

If a man had zero custody or an every other weekend deal, or lived in another city from his small kids, I would definitely judge him.

[Anonymous]

I think you don't tell anyone as a general rule. I would try opening up to one person you trust and see how that goes: someone who will listen and sympathize. And if it goes well, maybe it will help you move forward with your life becauseyou can now talk honestly. But I wouldn't start talking about it to everyone you know. Be selective and see how it goes. Some people are not going to accept you and that's unfortunate but maybe when you open up to the right person, you will find a friend. It may mean more than one attempt and you may be rejected so know that. You need support though so I woukd try to find some. There are free 12-step programs that may help. If you can afford it, I would try therapy.