unsolicited advice from an experienced parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you help your kids tune out peer pressure? I’m assuming—apologies if I’m wrong—that your children also attend a strong high school.

In our case, my child is surrounded by very competitive students who sometimes brag about their achievements or grades, which often feels intended to intimidate others. Was peer pressure ever an issue for your children, and if so, how did they handle it?

It wasn't a huge issue. Both are top performers and are friends with top performers. Somehow they didn't really seem to compete with their friends. This was really fortunate. My kids are really attuned to not bragging and are friends with nice kids who don't do that either. For instance, one kid is a NMSF. We told the grandparents, that's it. No one else. Of course it was announced but that wasn't our doing.

In one case, one kid did second guess their ED choice because although it's an elite school, they had another school on their list that was tippy top and even more elite. They had friends who ED'ed to tippy top schools which made them second guess their own choice. I think our kid knows now they are at the right school. They got in and are really happy there. The kids who ED'ed to tippy top didn't get in. They are also happy and doing well at great schools.

We often get questions from other parents like, “Did your child win X competition?” or “Did your child participate in Y activity?” or even, “Are you a legacy at Z school?”
It’s honestly nerve-racking—so much so that I’ve decided to keep to myself and not talk much during school visits or events.

OP here. That sounds really annoying. Are you comfortable saying which school or school system? No one has ever asked me those things about my kids. I think it's because there are a lot of high achieving kids and parents who went to top schools themselves.

[Anonymous]

Helpful original post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you help your kids tune out peer pressure? I’m assuming—apologies if I’m wrong—that your children also attend a strong high school.

In our case, my child is surrounded by very competitive students who sometimes brag about their achievements or grades, which often feels intended to intimidate others. Was peer pressure ever an issue for your children, and if so, how did they handle it?

It wasn't a huge issue. Both are top performers and are friends with top performers. Somehow they didn't really seem to compete with their friends. This was really fortunate. My kids are really attuned to not bragging and are friends with nice kids who don't do that either. For instance, one kid is a NMSF. We told the grandparents, that's it. No one else. Of course it was announced but that wasn't our doing.

In one case, one kid did second guess their ED choice because although it's an elite school, they had another school on their list that was tippy top and even more elite. They had friends who ED'ed to tippy top schools which made them second guess their own choice. I think our kid knows now they are at the right school. They got in and are really happy there. The kids who ED'ed to tippy top didn't get in. They are also happy and doing well at great schools.

We often get questions from other parents like, “Did your child win X competition?” or “Did your child participate in Y activity?” or even, “Are you a legacy at Z school?”
It’s honestly nerve-racking—so much so that I’ve decided to keep to myself and not talk much during school visits or events.

OP here. That sounds really annoying. Are you comfortable saying which school or school system? No one has ever asked me those things about my kids. I think it's because there are a lot of high achieving kids and parents who went to top schools themselves.

We’re at one of the feeder schools in the West. Sometimes, I even feel forced to hear about other students’ grades during parent events. People can be so careless with gossip. And yes that does happen among some of the high achieving parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you help your kids tune out peer pressure? I’m assuming—apologies if I’m wrong—that your children also attend a strong high school.

In our case, my child is surrounded by very competitive students who sometimes brag about their achievements or grades, which often feels intended to intimidate others. Was peer pressure ever an issue for your children, and if so, how did they handle it?

It wasn't a huge issue. Both are top performers and are friends with top performers. Somehow they didn't really seem to compete with their friends. This was really fortunate. My kids are really attuned to not bragging and are friends with nice kids who don't do that either. For instance, one kid is a NMSF. We told the grandparents, that's it. No one else. Of course it was announced but that wasn't our doing.

In one case, one kid did second guess their ED choice because although it's an elite school, they had another school on their list that was tippy top and even more elite. They had friends who ED'ed to tippy top schools which made them second guess their own choice. I think our kid knows now they are at the right school. They got in and are really happy there. The kids who ED'ed to tippy top didn't get in. They are also happy and doing well at great schools.

We often get questions from other parents like, “Did your child win X competition?” or “Did your child participate in Y activity?” or even, “Are you a legacy at Z school?”
It’s honestly nerve-racking—so much so that I’ve decided to keep to myself and not talk much during school visits or events.

OP here. That sounds really annoying. Are you comfortable saying which school or school system? No one has ever asked me those things about my kids. I think it's because there are a lot of high achieving kids and parents who went to top schools themselves.

We’re at one of the feeder schools in the West. Sometimes, I even feel forced to hear about other students’ grades during parent events. People can be so careless with gossip. And yes that does happen among some of the high achieving parents.

That sounds really annoying. We didn't have anyone ask us this unsolicited. But then I try to avoid braggy people who are like this and my kids are not friends with this type either. So I guess I'd say to avoid as much as you can and try to encourage your kids to as much as they can. I know there's only so much you can do when kids take certain classes but they can control who they hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You forgot to add:

- they have to be in the best school system which is MCPS.

OP here, well we're not in MCPS.

What?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got two kids into top schools ED (no I won't name them). I have so much knowledge floating around in my head that I'm now done with. Want to hear it? Read on. Don't want it? Scroll on by.

Here you go -

Nurture the kid's interests, help them get involved in at least one thing they love. Make suggestions. Encourage involvement and exploration. Research opportunities. But don't force a particular activity or interest. You should be guided what they want to do.

They should take the most rigorous classes if they want top schools, but only if they want to and they can handle them.

Don't pressure them to get top grades. But do get them support if grades go below a B. One of my kids was a straight A student and put this pressure on themself. The other had a couple of Bs early on. One kid needed a tutor after Covid.

They have to want to go to a top college. It's not your college journey. Visit some top colleges and see what they think. Does it appeal to them? In the end, you can encourage and offer them opportunities but you can't make them if they don't respond. It's not healthy to push something they don't want to do. So don't. Mental health is more important than where they go to college.

Get them tutoring or a class for standardized prep if you can afford to and if you have their buy in. I offered to pay for tutoring for both but only if they committed to doing the work. They both said yes, so both did tutoring with good results.

Take the ACT or the SAT but not both. Take practice tests to see which one they prefer and do better on, then just focus prep on that one test.

Take the ACT/SAT early and do the prep the summer before jr year. This only works if they have taken enough math, which advanced track kids generally do. This leaves more than enough time to take it again if needed. My kids were so thankful to get it out of the way early and then you know the scores so you can develop a college list accordingly.

Visit schools casually starting the end of sophomore year to determine what appeals to them, such as big vs small, rural vs urban, part of country, etc. You can visit schools in your own area or add visits onto family vacations.

Start early in order to be in a position to apply ED because some schools give a big advantage. Also it's awesome to be done so early.

Be involved. I did a lot of work researching a college list for both kids. Then we also edited essays and the entire app. Looked at every app before they submitted it. Tracked deadlines.

Agree with almost everything (as a parent who got a kid who wasn't very self driven into an elite university)

Be involved is critical - don't leave it up to them, they have no idea.

I disagree with leaving advanced classes, ec's and volunteer up to the child with your guidance. We required volunteer work every summer. We required multiple ec's every year (child pushed back but ultimately did it. Sometimes half heartedly). We encouraged AP classes and set standard of A's. If they didn't meet it, fine, but to everyone's surprise, they did. Setting very high expectations early in HS is critical. Kid never saw themselves as a top student but ended up becoming one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Nurture the kid's interests, help them get involved in at least one thing they love. Make suggestions. Encourage involvement and exploration. Research opportunities. But don't force a particular activity or interest. You should be guided what they want to do.

They should take the most rigorous classes if they want top schools, but only if they want to and they can handle them.

Don't pressure them to get top grades. But do get them support if grades go below a B. One of my kids was a straight A student and put this pressure on themself. The other had a couple of Bs early on. One kid needed a tutor after Covid.

I have one in college, one graduate. The first two are too contrived. All three are for them to figure out. If you take the lead on #3, your kids won't be able to cope in college without mommy.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting OP. Our oldest just got in REA, a super talented kid who I believed would thrive in a top school studying his area of interest. But not very suited for the grind of high school. Thankfully teachers and counselor recognised his talent and his awards, coupled with support behind the scenes at home and he made it through HS with almost all As. Not necessarily the most rigorous, and that didn't seem to matter at all.

I've been following dcurbanmom throughout the past four years, and so many times I felt discouraged that DC didn't have the right number of APs or the right math track, etc. But we stuck to what we believed (and he stayed true to himself), and he ended up at his top choice.

[Anonymous]

Two kids. Two different ivies. Unhooked. One got into multiple T10/ivy. If they are truly ready for that type of experience, there will be little that needs to be done by the parent besides pay the bills and drive/fly to tours if possible.

They have to want to take the most rigorous courses: they have to need it, in a way, to be fulfilled and challenged. That cannot be pushed by parents. If they need a tutor to stay in the highest level courses, they do not belong at a T10/ivy because they will be bottom 1/2 there. Natural intellectual curiosity and academic talent leads to stellar LORs, a few of which they were sent afterwards: the best-in-many-years type.

They have to be organized to juggle all the apps: no portal logins by parents, no reminders of due dates or interviews, or surprise essays. Cultivating homework independence and ability to communicate with teachers before they entered the 6th grade was the key.

They have to care about at least two things outside of school: our job was be the driver and to encourage them to try music or sports or theater, one at a time, from a young age. Then they pick what they want to continue.

No help with essays/apps, either. If they are creative writers they will have no problem with them.

For us, we knew they would thrive at schools they got themselves into, and handle the inevitable bumps much better if they knew they did it themselves. Underqualified students (compared to the average talent there) are present but not common at their ivies, and it typically does not go well.

[Anonymous]

Another BTDT parent. Have kids that naturally have a high IQ. Don't have kids with ADHD or LDs. That also helps tremendously. If your kids were not lucky enough to have a high IQ and have ADHD/LDs, then the above advice does not apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two kids. Two different ivies. Unhooked. One got into multiple T10/ivy. If they are truly ready for that type of experience, there will be little that needs to be done by the parent besides pay the bills and drive/fly to tours if possible.

They have to want to take the most rigorous courses: they have to need it, in a way, to be fulfilled and challenged. That cannot be pushed by parents. If they need a tutor to stay in the highest level courses, they do not belong at a T10/ivy because they will be bottom 1/2 there. Natural intellectual curiosity and academic talent leads to stellar LORs, a few of which they were sent afterwards: the best-in-many-years type.

They have to be organized to juggle all the apps: no portal logins by parents, no reminders of due dates or interviews, or surprise essays. Cultivating homework independence and ability to communicate with teachers before they entered the 6th grade was the key.

They have to care about at least two things outside of school: our job was be the driver and to encourage them to try music or sports or theater, one at a time, from a young age. Then they pick what they want to continue.

No help with essays/apps, either. If they are creative writers they will have no problem with them.

For us, we knew they would thrive at schools they got themselves into, and handle the inevitable bumps much better if they knew they did it themselves. Underqualified students (compared to the average talent there) are present but not common at their ivies, and it typically does not go well.

Can't agree more. I want my child to strive for authentic success. Life is long.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for posting, but very little value in what you wrote.

[Anonymous]

Cornell & Michigan ???

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, you are unbelievable. You say YOU got your kids into top colleges. Really? You think it was YOU and not them? Pathetic. Are you related to Trump?

[Anonymous]

The kids have to want it. The parents can only do so much.