Loss of Friendship over teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Met one of my close friends through our daughters’ shared activity when they were little. Friends for almost a decade, family meet ups where kids would all play together but we stopped during Covid. Our girls were friends but at different school districts, only saw each other occasionally. At the start of HS, my DD struggled socially, had few female friends, but a bunch of guy friends. I suggested a couple times that we should get the girls together. Friend’s DD was outgoing and popular. Friend announces that she doesn’t want to ‘force’ her kid to be friends with people who might not be good for her child (meaning my more socially awkward introverted and not-as-popular kid). Meanwhile, her DD is in a high-drama friend group w/girls who are self-harming, etc. Friend compared asking her DD to hang out with ‘asking her to be friends with a kid in a wheelchair just because they’re disabled’. I was shocked, ended the friendship. She has since apologized, said her words came out wrong, she was just trying to make sure her DD was emotionally healthy and making the best choices for herself. I only suggested we all get together sometime so girls could hang out, not be best friends or force anything. The loss of her friendship has really bothered me, and I wonder if I should have just let it go? But also, my DD is a great kid- kind, straight A student, and definitely not a ‘bad influence’. Should I have overlooked her comments? Losing a close adult friend is tough.

She wasn’t wrong. Trying to force friendships on your children is not a good idea.

I guess it's a good thing all OP did was propose hangouts, not insist they go to sleepaway camp together and share a cabin or bring the other DD along on a family vacation for a month. In other words, OP didn't try to force friendship, she just tried to reunite 2 girls who'd been friends for 10 yrs that only ended during covid.

Hopefully you're not in OP's social circle, because then she'd need to stay away from your overly judgemental toxicity too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try staying friends as adults but give up on the kids staying friends. Let her know that's how you plan to go forward.

She apologized for her trashy remark and it seems like her daughter is on a path that you wouldn't choose for your daughter anyway. Covid did permanently change some things...it's o.k. to accept that there were lost opportunities.

Hopefully you had something in common besides "kid stuff"?

+1

[Anonymous]

I was raised with poor social skills and could totally see myself sticking my foot in my mouth this way. I did it many times. So I'm more likely to forgive others when they mess up. OP, if the girls are teens they can form their own friendships without parental help. I would forgive this mom-friend lady but you do what works for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, your specifics do not matter. When you tie together an adult friendship w/friendships between kids/teens -- the friendship between adults will not go well. The way for the adult friendship to work, and it's still rare, is if the Mom's do not talk about the kids. Talk about all the other things there are to talk about, that two women can talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That person is effed up. You don't want to hang onto someone with those attitudes. Good riddance.

This.

[Anonymous]

How do you know so much about the friend (child)? From high drama friends, very popular and self harm stuff? Did you imagine this girl would really re-connect with your DD? I would have steered clear of this drama.

[Anonymous]

You should be glad that your friend showed who she was and her values. And you made the right decision to cut her off. One of my core values is kindness and I preach it religiously to my child. To be kind costs very little and also benefits the giver.

DCUM and DC are filled with mean girl moms who think they are too cool to be kind. They think being kind is uncool and for nerds.

And yet, I managed to be student class president (maybe because I was nice to everyone) and in a sorority. My DD has been complimented on her kindness and I don’t think there is a better compliment to be given, especially with the current state of the world.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I appreciate everyone’s insights. This happened a couple years ago, and I’ve continually thought about her, I do miss her friendship and wondered if I was too harsh by not continuing the relationship. Her comment was very out of character and totally blindsided me. At the same time, it was so very hurtful that she would think my kid would somehow be a bad influence or not good for her DD. The girls are now seniors in HS, and they’re friends on Instagram- I don’t think her daughter has any negative feelings towards my kid, I think it was 100% the mom. My DD is still very introverted but she’s developed some great friendships at school and at her job. She’s the type of kid who I expect will really flourish in college, where she can find other nerdy introverts with similar interests. Losing a friend in your 50s is rough, especially because it becomes so much more difficult to find new ones when your kids are leaving the nest. But the comments helped me realize that I did the right thing. I think at this point, we’ll stay Facebook friends, say hi at the grocery store, and that’s about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That person is effed up. You don't want to hang onto someone with those attitudes. Good riddance.

This.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This woman is a terrible person. Why on earth would you want to overlook that and be friends? Even if she had said this about some other kid, you should still think she is a horrible person.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

The friend sounds awful!
Sorry, OP-- her loss.

[Anonymous]

The comment from OP about self harming is just as awful as the comment from the friend.

Sounds like a friendship made in heaven to me.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. This happened when the girls were freshman and they were seniors. This woman was not your friend if she wasn’t reached out to you in all of those years. Some thoughts -

1. You were wrong then to try to arrange them getting together.

2. The other mom was wrong and rude when she talked about your DD.

3. You probably didn’t have the whole story with your kid’s behavior back then and there was likely a reason the other girl didn’t want to be around your DD. It wasn’t only because she was a quiet introvert.

4. Your DD is a senior and almost 18 if she’s not already. It’s time to stop being so involved with her Instagram friends etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I appreciate everyone’s insights. This happened a couple years ago, and I’ve continually thought about her, I do miss her friendship and wondered if I was too harsh by not continuing the relationship. Her comment was very out of character and totally blindsided me. At the same time, it was so very hurtful that she would think my kid would somehow be a bad influence or not good for her DD. The girls are now seniors in HS, and they’re friends on Instagram- I don’t think her daughter has any negative feelings towards my kid, I think it was 100% the mom. My DD is still very introverted but she’s developed some great friendships at school and at her job. She’s the type of kid who I expect will really flourish in college, where she can find other nerdy introverts with similar interests. Losing a friend in your 50s is rough, especially because it becomes so much more difficult to find new ones when your kids are leaving the nest. But the comments helped me realize that I did the right thing. I think at this point, we’ll stay Facebook friends, say hi at the grocery store, and that’s about it.

Adult friendships made when kids were young rarely stand the test of time once the children grow up.

[Anonymous]

My sense is you were pushier about this than you thought and the friend lashed out with an extreme example so you’d drop it. If you were that offended at the time (but still think about the episode and miss her) it’s because something in your subconscious knows she’s right.