Loss of Friendship over teen girls

[Anonymous]

Met one of my close friends through our daughters’ shared activity when they were little. Friends for almost a decade, family meet ups where kids would all play together but we stopped during Covid. Our girls were friends but at different school districts, only saw each other occasionally. At the start of HS, my DD struggled socially, had few female friends, but a bunch of guy friends. I suggested a couple times that we should get the girls together. Friend’s DD was outgoing and popular. Friend announces that she doesn’t want to ‘force’ her kid to be friends with people who might not be good for her child (meaning my more socially awkward introverted and not-as-popular kid). Meanwhile, her DD is in a high-drama friend group w/girls who are self-harming, etc. Friend compared asking her DD to hang out with ‘asking her to be friends with a kid in a wheelchair just because they’re disabled’. I was shocked, ended the friendship. She has since apologized, said her words came out wrong, she was just trying to make sure her DD was emotionally healthy and making the best choices for herself. I only suggested we all get together sometime so girls could hang out, not be best friends or force anything. The loss of her friendship has really bothered me, and I wonder if I should have just let it go? But also, my DD is a great kid- kind, straight A student, and definitely not a ‘bad influence’. Should I have overlooked her comments? Losing a close adult friend is tough.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I could get past what the other mom is doing, OP.

At that age it is so so good to have friends outside of school. And to keep them- even on a casual basis! The other mom should recognize how good that is too, esp. with all the in-school drama. Unfortunately she doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should let it go because it will be better for your mental health.

[Anonymous]

That person is effed up. You don't want to hang onto someone with those attitudes. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

You should not have tried to force a friendship with your daughters and just valued your friend for herself. But what she said wasn't good. Just leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you shouldn’t have tried to force a friendship. And I agree that if she had said yes it would have been because she felt sorry for your daughter. She was in a no win. Not commenting about your daughter, just that it would have been a pity friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met one of my close friends through our daughters’ shared activity when they were little. Friends for almost a decade, family meet ups where kids would all play together but we stopped during Covid. Our girls were friends but at different school districts, only saw each other occasionally. At the start of HS, my DD struggled socially, had few female friends, but a bunch of guy friends. I suggested a couple times that we should get the girls together. Friend’s DD was outgoing and popular. Friend announces that she doesn’t want to ‘force’ her kid to be friends with people who might not be good for her child (meaning my more socially awkward introverted and not-as-popular kid). Meanwhile, her DD is in a high-drama friend group w/girls who are self-harming, etc. Friend compared asking her DD to hang out with ‘asking her to be friends with a kid in a wheelchair just because they’re disabled’. I was shocked, ended the friendship. She has since apologized, said her words came out wrong, she was just trying to make sure her DD was emotionally healthy and making the best choices for herself. I only suggested we all get together sometime so girls could hang out, not be best friends or force anything. The loss of her friendship has really bothered me, and I wonder if I should have just let it go? But also, my DD is a great kid- kind, straight A student, and definitely not a ‘bad influence’. Should I have overlooked her comments? Losing a close adult friend is tough.

OP, was this woman a true friend in every sense of the word, or just someone you enjoyed hanging out with when your kids were little? You should think about that. Sometimes we hang onto people because they remind us of a time when life was great, e.g. when our children were younger and families interacted so well. Truly, those are some of the best of times.

But again, was this woman really a friend to you?

Personally, I could not get over a comment like the one you stated here. And if it were me, I would recognize that I was most likely mourning the loss of the little kid days, and not this "friend" herself.

[Anonymous]

Have you never said anything awkard OP? I have, tons of times, so I would overlook this and keep my friendship. Your daughter needs will have her own circle of friends, in her own time.

[Anonymous]

*awkward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should not have tried to force a friendship with your daughters and just valued your friend for herself. But what she said wasn't good. Just leave it alone.

Yes on both counts.

[Anonymous]

A few things.

1. Don't try to force kids to hang out. It rarely ends well for the one who has less friends.

2. It's fine to decline to hang out with someone

3. Don't be snotty about kids who self harm. You have no idea the situation behind it

4. What the mom said is so ridiculous and not the kind of person I would want to hang out with. This has nothing to do with your kid. I wouldn't want to hang out with an adult who thinks a kid in a wheelchair is a social pariah and who feels she needs to orchestrate her child's social standing.

[Anonymous]

OMG, your DD is so much better off without this girl!

But I do think you need to accept no for an answer more readily. The thing with kids this age is that if one kid feels coerced (even if they're being unreasonable about it), the social event is really unlikely to go well. So you're better off accepting the no and waiting until both kids have matured and the interaction might be more likely to succeed.

Also, do give some thought to your DD's social awkwardness and how you might boost her social skills. Not that anything is "wrong" or diagnosable here, but having good social skills is so helpful in life and it will really benefit your daughter to have them.

[Anonymous]

This woman is a terrible person. Why on earth would you want to overlook that and be friends? Even if she had said this about some other kid, you should still think she is a horrible person.

[Anonymous]

The mom friend's comment was very telling about her values. Not someone worth pursuing a friendship with imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This woman is a terrible person. Why on earth would you want to overlook that and be friends? Even if she had said this about some other kid, you should still think she is a horrible person.

+1