Loss of Friendship over teen girls

[Anonymous]

I think what happened is she is a line in the sand kind of person. She had this fixed rule about not making her child hang out with people she doesn't like. She probably was one of those moms who invited all the girls in a class to a bday party except the 2-3 her daughter didn't like because of this rule.

This is the problem with fixed rules. Turning principles not into guidelines but lines in the sand (adults don't spend social time with people they don't like so neither should kids have to).

I've done this in my own life and it SUCKS. Adults don't have to eat food they don't like so neither should kids. So instead of making one dinner a night I am short order cooking for my kids. I wish I made that food principle a guideline and not a rule.

The mom should have agreed to something fun and had her daughter go for old times sake, talking to her daughter about social obligations. Most likely the connection would fall flat and then you maybe could have moved on as mom only friends. But instead she stuck to the rule and lost an adult friend, which is a hard to come by thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what happened is she is a line in the sand kind of person. She had this fixed rule about not making her child hang out with people she doesn't like. She probably was one of those moms who invited all the girls in a class to a bday party except the 2-3 her daughter didn't like because of this rule.

This is the problem with fixed rules. Turning principles not into guidelines but lines in the sand (adults don't spend social time with people they don't like so neither should kids have to).

I've done this in my own life and it SUCKS. Adults don't have to eat food they don't like so neither should kids. So instead of making one dinner a night I am short order cooking for my kids. I wish I made that food principle a guideline and not a rule.

The mom should have agreed to something fun and had her daughter go for old times sake, talking to her daughter about social obligations. Most likely the connection would fall flat and then you maybe could have moved on as mom only friends. But instead she stuck to the rule and lost an adult friend, which is a hard to come by thing.

DP and I would agree with you if these were 5th graders but not teens in high school. They are way too old for this. The girl probably has a busy life of her own and doesn’t need to do this for old time sake. OP sounds exhausting.

By the time my kids were in 9th grade, they rarely had a free day between their own sports schedules and social lives. This old time sake social play date with a kid they aren’t friends with would not be high on the priority list. If they had a rare free day, they wanted to stay home and rest and likely needed to catch up on HW.

[Anonymous]

I really really dislike the specific comment she made but also try to always give grace. Think about the rest of what you know about your friend. Is this someone who leans towards snobbery or is overly concerned with appearances? For me those people are a hard pass but you may feel differently… if you’re ok with who she is the rest of the time then maybe reach out with an overture and say “Happy holidays! I hope you and the family are doing well.” And see what happens

[Anonymous]

If your friendship hinged on your girls, then move on. She is correct that you can’t force teens to be friends.

I once had a “friend” who only wanted to be friends because she wanted my DD to be friends with her DD! (who was struggling socially). I felt like she was using me.

[Anonymous]

It’s so common for mom friendships to fade when the kids become teens and change friend groups. This happened with a family we were really close with since preschool when their daughter moved crowds in high school and was jerky overall to our DD. The parents are sweet but it was too much on our friendship and even the younger siblings stopped being close. We all still catch up in group settings but basically no longer trust or confide in each other any longer, there is too much water under the bridge and both sides are loyal to their DDs. It’s sad but very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what happened is she is a line in the sand kind of person. She had this fixed rule about not making her child hang out with people she doesn't like. She probably was one of those moms who invited all the girls in a class to a bday party except the 2-3 her daughter didn't like because of this rule.

This is the problem with fixed rules. Turning principles not into guidelines but lines in the sand (adults don't spend social time with people they don't like so neither should kids have to).

I've done this in my own life and it SUCKS. Adults don't have to eat food they don't like so neither should kids. So instead of making one dinner a night I am short order cooking for my kids. I wish I made that food principle a guideline and not a rule.

The mom should have agreed to something fun and had her daughter go for old times sake, talking to her daughter about social obligations. Most likely the connection would fall flat and then you maybe could have moved on as mom only friends. But instead she stuck to the rule and lost an adult friend, which is a hard to come by thing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what happened is she is a line in the sand kind of person. She had this fixed rule about not making her child hang out with people she doesn't like. She probably was one of those moms who invited all the girls in a class to a bday party except the 2-3 her daughter didn't like because of this rule.

This is the problem with fixed rules. Turning principles not into guidelines but lines in the sand (adults don't spend social time with people they don't like so neither should kids have to).

I've done this in my own life and it SUCKS. Adults don't have to eat food they don't like so neither should kids. So instead of making one dinner a night I am short order cooking for my kids. I wish I made that food principle a guideline and not a rule.

The mom should have agreed to something fun and had her daughter go for old times sake, talking to her daughter about social obligations. Most likely the connection would fall flat and then you maybe could have moved on as mom only friends. But instead she stuck to the rule and lost an adult friend, which is a hard to come by thing.

DP and I would agree with you if these were 5th graders but not teens in high school. They are way too old for this. The girl probably has a busy life of her own and doesn’t need to do this for old time sake. OP sounds exhausting.

By the time my kids were in 9th grade, they rarely had a free day between their own sports schedules and social lives. This old time sake social play date with a kid they aren’t friends with would not be high on the priority list. If they had a rare free day, they wanted to stay home and rest and likely needed to catch up on HW.

I agree. That time has passed. Similarly, I don’t spare precious time for people or things that don’t bring me joy. People pleasing isn’t joyous.