Loss of Friendship over teen girls

[Anonymous]

How do you know so much about the friend (child)? From high drama friends, very popular and self harm stuff? Did you imagine this girl would really re-connect with your DD? I would have steered clear of this drama.

[Anonymous]

You should be glad that your friend showed who she was and her values. And you made the right decision to cut her off. One of my core values is kindness and I preach it religiously to my child. To be kind costs very little and also benefits the giver.

DCUM and DC are filled with mean girl moms who think they are too cool to be kind. They think being kind is uncool and for nerds.

And yet, I managed to be student class president (maybe because I was nice to everyone) and in a sorority. My DD has been complimented on her kindness and I don’t think there is a better compliment to be given, especially with the current state of the world.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I appreciate everyone’s insights. This happened a couple years ago, and I’ve continually thought about her, I do miss her friendship and wondered if I was too harsh by not continuing the relationship. Her comment was very out of character and totally blindsided me. At the same time, it was so very hurtful that she would think my kid would somehow be a bad influence or not good for her DD. The girls are now seniors in HS, and they’re friends on Instagram- I don’t think her daughter has any negative feelings towards my kid, I think it was 100% the mom. My DD is still very introverted but she’s developed some great friendships at school and at her job. She’s the type of kid who I expect will really flourish in college, where she can find other nerdy introverts with similar interests. Losing a friend in your 50s is rough, especially because it becomes so much more difficult to find new ones when your kids are leaving the nest. But the comments helped me realize that I did the right thing. I think at this point, we’ll stay Facebook friends, say hi at the grocery store, and that’s about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That person is effed up. You don't want to hang onto someone with those attitudes. Good riddance.

This.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This woman is a terrible person. Why on earth would you want to overlook that and be friends? Even if she had said this about some other kid, you should still think she is a horrible person.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

The friend sounds awful!
Sorry, OP-- her loss.

[Anonymous]

The comment from OP about self harming is just as awful as the comment from the friend.

Sounds like a friendship made in heaven to me.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. This happened when the girls were freshman and they were seniors. This woman was not your friend if she wasn’t reached out to you in all of those years. Some thoughts -

1. You were wrong then to try to arrange them getting together.

2. The other mom was wrong and rude when she talked about your DD.

3. You probably didn’t have the whole story with your kid’s behavior back then and there was likely a reason the other girl didn’t want to be around your DD. It wasn’t only because she was a quiet introvert.

4. Your DD is a senior and almost 18 if she’s not already. It’s time to stop being so involved with her Instagram friends etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I appreciate everyone’s insights. This happened a couple years ago, and I’ve continually thought about her, I do miss her friendship and wondered if I was too harsh by not continuing the relationship. Her comment was very out of character and totally blindsided me. At the same time, it was so very hurtful that she would think my kid would somehow be a bad influence or not good for her DD. The girls are now seniors in HS, and they’re friends on Instagram- I don’t think her daughter has any negative feelings towards my kid, I think it was 100% the mom. My DD is still very introverted but she’s developed some great friendships at school and at her job. She’s the type of kid who I expect will really flourish in college, where she can find other nerdy introverts with similar interests. Losing a friend in your 50s is rough, especially because it becomes so much more difficult to find new ones when your kids are leaving the nest. But the comments helped me realize that I did the right thing. I think at this point, we’ll stay Facebook friends, say hi at the grocery store, and that’s about it.

Adult friendships made when kids were young rarely stand the test of time once the children grow up.

[Anonymous]

My sense is you were pushier about this than you thought and the friend lashed out with an extreme example so you’d drop it. If you were that offended at the time (but still think about the episode and miss her) it’s because something in your subconscious knows she’s right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sense is you were pushier about this than you thought and the friend lashed out with an extreme example so you’d drop it. If you were that offended at the time (but still think about the episode and miss her) it’s because something in your subconscious knows she’s right.

Yes, I think this. Your friend was wrong to say those things, but she was probably trying to tell you "no" in a polite way for a while and you weren't hearing it.

It's unlikely she thought your DD would be a bad influence. More likely that your DD's low social standing would bring down her daughter's social standing. Teens will feel that way, even if it's not true. Or else she knew her daughter was very unwilling and would not get through the interaction without being rude to your daughter, and she didn't want that to happen so she said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should let it go because it will be better for your mental health.

I think that you should let it go, but I also think that you should drop the friendship. I do think that you were too pushy re the girls friendship but her comments were unnecessarily mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I appreciate everyone’s insights. This happened a couple years ago, and I’ve continually thought about her, I do miss her friendship and wondered if I was too harsh by not continuing the relationship. Her comment was very out of character and totally blindsided me. At the same time, it was so very hurtful that she would think my kid would somehow be a bad influence or not good for her DD. The girls are now seniors in HS, and they’re friends on Instagram- I don’t think her daughter has any negative feelings towards my kid, I think it was 100% the mom. My DD is still very introverted but she’s developed some great friendships at school and at her job. She’s the type of kid who I expect will really flourish in college, where she can find other nerdy introverts with similar interests. Losing a friend in your 50s is rough, especially because it becomes so much more difficult to find new ones when your kids are leaving the nest. But the comments helped me realize that I did the right thing. I think at this point, we’ll stay Facebook friends, say hi at the grocery store, and that’s about it.

Adult friendships made when kids were young rarely stand the test of time once the children grow up.

I miss a friend I had when our sons were friends. But what would we talk about. If our sons had mutually drifted apart to other friend groups and were happy, maybe we could make it. But my son struggles with friends and her son has a group of good friends who sometimes pick on him. Her son/my child's ex-friend never participates in this, but the mom relationship is still not salvageable. Too awkward. So I miss her.

[Anonymous]

I would forgive the other mom since she apologized. Even if the adult friendship is beyond repair at this point, you might feel better and have closure.

What she said was hurtful, but you might be able to empathize with the sentiment of not wanting to put your kid in an awkward situation. It would be different if the kids were at school together or still in the activity together, but they hadn’t seen each other in years - it’s a little weird (although I understand you were in a vulnerable place, and your friend could have been gentler).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would forgive the other mom since she apologized. Even if the adult friendship is beyond repair at this point, you might feel better and have closure.

What she said was hurtful, but you might be able to empathize with the sentiment of not wanting to put your kid in an awkward situation. It would be different if the kids were at school together or still in the activity together, but they hadn’t seen each other in years - it’s a little weird (although I understand you were in a vulnerable place, and your friend could have been gentler).

This. Honestly, I think you were wrong to ask this of her and it was awkward, and her response wording was poor- but I had definitely understand the sentiment. I don’t think what either of you did or said is terrible though and certainly not something to end of friendship over. You miss her and have been thinking about her. She probably misses you too but figures she apologized, what more can she do? I’d reach out to her and inivite her out for lunch- clear the air, talk about the girls going off to college and what an exciting year it will be. You have a lot to catch up on. And who knows, the girls may reconnect one day as adults.