Dad thinks DS17 is a loser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what’s going on with your son? It sounds like things went pretty far downhill. As a parent of a kid who took a really bad turn starting in HS, it can be really demoralizing as a parent and hope waxes and wanes. My spouse and I used to always say it’s a good thing we tended to be on the opposite ends of the emotional roller coaster so that we could support each other.

And, there are plenty of things that kids do that would make me feel like they are a loser. Heroin or fentanyl use, violence, other illegal activity, bullying other kids, sexually assaulting someone. If it were my child doing those things or even on the road to doing them and I couldn’t talk to my spouse about that, I’d feel like I didn’t have a real partner.

Definitely none of that! I'd have no issue with the strong language if that was the case! Our son is just unmotivated, extremely lazy and lacks any personality. DH also does the bare minimum when it comes to parenting and engaging with him and I'm frustrated hearing his resentment when he doesn't do anything to meaningfully engage with him. Everything is reactive and a little too late. I see the same traits in DH that I see in DS. I think they both need intensive therapy!!

So you think DS is a loser just like your DH does?!?!

At least DH is in therapy. He may also believe he himself is a loser and is transferring it. I’d give him some grace, since if you read this aloud to DH he could become as mad as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 boys. The most fraught time between them and their dad was always between the ages of 16-18. This seems to be when dad of boy anxiety comes out the most even if they were oblivious to the boys before this.

I only have girls so this is really interesting. And totally relevant to OP's situation. It sounds like a common thing, I wonder what the psychology behind it is?

Because they are physically becoming men, very quickly, which freaks out dads. They remember themselves at that age and know what’s ahead for them. And it reminds dad that he is getting old, like his own father.

And not universal. My son certainly butts heads with his Dad. But I can see so clearly how important that relationship is to my son’s development. My husband is doing a great job being present, offering commentary in language my son can process, harassing him but also knowing when to back off. Working through the disrespect, the bouts of laziness, the realization that your son is going to be who he is going to be and not all the impossible hopes you might have had for him - it’s hard but helping your kid navigate it is a Dad’s job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. The only example you gave of your DS's behavior is choosing not to do fall sports. Just because he doesn't have the same interests as your DH doesn't make his interests wrong. And if your DH can't see that, that's a massive problem that would make me question my future with him.

NP.

Is DS otherwise socially engaged and happy? Many young men are withdrawing and then falling down the rabbit hole of misogyny and toxic masculinity.

Might be worth watching the we’ll-made and excellent work on Netflix, “Adolescents,” to learn more about this danger to our youth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is one emotion from which relationships rarely recover: contempt.

I would raise this directly with your husband, as calmly as possible. Writing someone off at 17 is a tragic error as a parent. The consequences can be devastating. Your DH needs to sort himself out. Quickly.

Criticism and frustration are normal. Contempt? Less so.

This whole thread expresses contempt: for the husband. As usual, misandry is the predominant response from DCUM.

DP. No, this whole thread expresses extreme overreaction and catastrophizing, as almost every DCUM thread does. And of course the most sane response is 'everyone should go to therapy!!' as if adding in some weekly pricey meeting for everyone is going to fix everything (which is not so broken in the first place- teens are hard, kids can disappoint but still grow up to be decent human beings, and parents can have feelings they express to each other and it is not 'abusive' and in need of fixing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because your husband thinks your son is a "loser" doesn't mean he doesn't like or love him. Lots of losers are liked or loved.

Sometimes kids disappoint. It's ok to think that way. To your husband's credit, he told YOU he thinks your son is a loser--he didn't tell HIM.

The man deserves no credit. The word is an insult. Something bullies say. Trump uses the insult all the time and he’s not a good man.

You can say you’re disappointed in decisions your kid makes but sports? Who cares? He’s 17 and should decide if he wants to play games or not. Husband’s probably a big fat slob who needs to but out on this decision.

No that’s you boo

[Anonymous]

This can be situational. Did DH give up on DS or did he say this voicing his frustration immediately after having lost his battle to talk DS into sports? Parenting can be frustrating, sometimes we give everything, don’t succeed, and then say stuff like that but it’s forgotten a few days after.

[Anonymous]

Divorce this dude and wrap your DS in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce this dude and wrap your DS in love.

OP: dont listen to DCUMAD’s “Coven of Bitter Divorceés”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a parent's job to look for the best in their children and seek to bring it out. When parents get rigid ideas about what kids should be like and reject their kids for failing to live up to that rigid expectation, they are failing as parents.

Your DH is being immature. This is his failure, not your son's. But it will hurt them both. I have two parents who never saw the best of me and viewed me instead as a disappointment instead of seeing what is wonderful about me. I have to work every single day to make up for that deficit because I grew up with such low self esteem and rejection.

People like this should not have children.

Yeah in some ways not even having parental attention is better than constantly being told you don’t measure up. I’m sorry you had to deal with this (still dealing with it).

[Anonymous]

Yes, son is 15 about to turn 16 and is a total a$$hole most of the time. Lazy, you name it. He previously has never been like this. His Dad hates who he's become and doesn't hide it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Your DH is the loser here.

+1

Trashy parent

Shouldn't open his mouth until he has been in therapy longer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is trash for this

This

[Anonymous]

Have your son enlist in the military. It will teach him discipline and no one will think he's a loser.

Also, why did you marry a loser? Just something for you to think about.

[Anonymous]

I understand because I often feel this way toward my DS. I never share with his father (we are divorced but friendly) and he doesn’t seem to have those same feelings which is great.
I don’t have the luxury to pull away from DS so I just keep churning. Hopefully he doesn’t know.

[Anonymous]

Why is it bad for a dad to see his son how the world will see him? Life will not be kind to an unmotivated lazy man.