When AP is an "upgrade"...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should grow up enough to understand that if you’re dissatisfied in your relationship, changing the person doesn’t help. He’ll feel the same way with the new woman in a few years. If he’s too stupid to see it, I’m not sure there’s much you can do.

I think unfortunately, it does help for a lot of people. Maybe not in the long term....but yes it does help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should grow up enough to understand that if you’re dissatisfied in your relationship, changing the person doesn’t help. He’ll feel the same way with the new woman in a few years. If he’s too stupid to see it, I’m not sure there’s much you can do.

Of course people can be dissatisfied in one relationship and satisfied in another. Your first sentence makes no sense. Relationships are about the dynamic between two people and when you change people you change the dynamic.
That is why people date and break up and meet new people. And if the marriage dynamic isnt working, and the relationship ends, the next dynamic could be much healthier etc. it just shouldn’t end by cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you convinced your DH to stay what did you do or say? Was it about the kids or something else? I'm not talking about a midlife crisis affair going nowhere that involves someone way too young with no brains but someone who might be a serious match if he was single and is prettier, more successful, more together. Haters please don't comment and don't ask me why I'd want to be with someone like that.

Let's talk about your self-esteem.

No person is an "upgrade" over another person. She might be a better fit for him, but a personal "upgrade" offends me, as all human beings have worth.

Now, take a look at yourself and give yourself some love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you convinced your DH to stay what did you do or say? Was it about the kids or something else? I'm not talking about a midlife crisis affair going nowhere that involves someone way too young with no brains but someone who might be a serious match if he was single and is prettier, more successful, more together. Haters please don't comment and don't ask me why I'd want to be with someone like that.

Because circumstances change but ethics don't.

[Anonymous]

Newsflash, there are better looking, more accomplished, more interesting…you name it…APs out here in the world. Furthermore, this is the wild, wild west…some will aggressively plot on getting men that are taken. The question, OP, is what qualities and strengths (that you are confident and secure about) do you bring to the table? I know you are hurting and you feel insecure about the AP, but when you focus on your own (and your kids’) happiness and accentuate your attributes, you will see that you can get and deserve more. Always remember this DMV is a chess region, checkers doesn’t apply here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no such thing as an "upgrade," this is a homewrecker and he is a cheater.

This^ 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a man wants to stay, he will. If he needs a sales pitch, he’s already gone.

This! Read Mel Robbins’ book Let Them or listen to her podcasts. He’s told you where you fall in his life’s pecking order. Are you okay being married to someone because you were able to convince him divorce would cost too much and be inconvenient?

[Anonymous]

No woman or man who is unable to find someone without poaching from someone else is an upgrade. Ever. When cheaters get together and stay together, that's good for the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not better, she only thinks she is because she believed lies.

Men know what they cheat with.., women with daddy issues, and/or loose moral value system, easily duped and pathetic even if their packaging has curb appeal.

Every single one of my friends who hooked up with a married man, always thought they were better. They never were.

Lovely people you choose as friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you convinced your DH to stay what did you do or say? Was it about the kids or something else? I'm not talking about a midlife crisis affair going nowhere that involves someone way too young with no brains but someone who might be a serious match if he was single and is prettier, more successful, more together. Haters please don't comment and don't ask me why I'd want to be with someone like that.

Think of it like he is gay and met a man

Tell him you understand but you still want amicable co-parenting. Open yourself to meeting someone new for you, and don't hide it.

Either he'll realize he doesn't want to lose you, or you need to split.

[Anonymous]

There is such a thing as an upgrade or even a downgrade for that matter. To tell yourself there isn’t is a complete delusion. In fact, even gorgeous, highly successful people are cheated on. And many times the person their partner gets is a downgrade. You are associating the cheating partners’ actions and character to the AP and they are totally different entities. What about when the AP doesn’t know that the person is married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a man wants to stay, he will. If he needs a sales pitch, he’s already gone.

This! Read Mel Robbins’ book Let Them or listen to her podcasts. He’s told you where you fall in his life’s pecking order. Are you okay being married to someone because you were able to convince him divorce would cost too much and be inconvenient?

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is such a thing as an upgrade or even a downgrade for that matter. To tell yourself there isn’t is a complete delusion. In fact, even gorgeous, highly successful people are cheated on. And many times the person their partner gets is a downgrade. You are associating the cheating partners’ actions and character to the AP and they are totally different entities. What about when the AP doesn’t know that the person is married?

Well then you can let her know and that case disappears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should grow up enough to understand that if you’re dissatisfied in your relationship, changing the person doesn’t help. He’ll feel the same way with the new woman in a few years. If he’s too stupid to see it, I’m not sure there’s much you can do.

This is a nutso statement. People can change or do a very good job of hiding who they are. Man or woman.

PP, you are not immune from following the patterns you’ve been living out your whole life. If you feel disconnected, unappreciated, and resentful 10 years in with your spouse, there’s a 99% chance you’ll feel that way 10 years in with someone new. You can either work for years to better yourself in therapy if you need guidance, or you can hold your breath and hope you can outrun it because maybe you have more money or no children with the new person so that makes things easier. But let me tell you, wherever you go, there you are.

[Anonymous]

Manufacture a medical crisis and see if that'll do the trick.