Should I really not share my opinion with DD?

[Anonymous]

Mine was torn between two ED choices. I told her to spend two days on it, then make a decision and pull the trigger. She spent one full day pretending she had committed to one of the schools - talking about it, looking at dorms, following social media, etc. Then she wrote down how she felt about it all. The next day she did the exact same thing with the other school. It did not even take the whole day - she could immediately tell by the excitement she felt about the first school vs the second.

So many kids are unhappy freshman year of college and have regrets - I did not want her regret be that I swayed her. Thankfully, she chose well because she LOVES her school and did from the first day there.

[Anonymous]

I didn't ever say, "I think you should do this" or "I think you would be happier" etc. No "I think you.." opinions.

I did say, these are both great schools. My pros for Fancy U are the really tight community, I loved that dining hall, we know Peter is happy there, the career placement center was the best we saw, the residential system is my ideal, and there history faculty is top. My cons are the price wouldn't leave you with anything for grad school, travel back and forth will always be a pain, I dont know that it has as many alumni back in this area, if this is where you want to end up.

For Hudson U, the pros are Hogwarts buildings, which I love. The food is plenty good enough. Singles housing, which you liked. Tons of school spirit - very rah rah. Off campus housing junior and senior year at a reasonable price, great price with money left over for grad school. Cons are their history department is a little thinner, student-athlete divide is a concern, and all these reports of murders.

I mean, I think you know which one I like but I'm not SAYING which one I think she should ED to .

[Anonymous]

My DD was also torn btw 2 schools. We suggested she put together a 4 yr plan of classes at each school and that made it clear that one had a much more interesting program for her than the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We made a chart with the schools and what DC wanted in a college. They then gave each school a ranking from 1-5 in each category. It didn't really matter what the final score was, it was more to get DC thinking about what they thought was important and making the decision on their own. Of course DH and I were there to guide and answer questions, but it was their decision in the end

We did something similar. DC had a list of all options and gave ratings for each category that they felt was part of the decision making process. Each one was given a weighting, as well. For example, strength of major had a factor of 2, but housing had a ranking of 1. It helped DC determine what was and wasn't as important when deciding between their top schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We made a chart with the schools and what DC wanted in a college. They then gave each school a ranking from 1-5 in each category. It didn't really matter what the final score was, it was more to get DC thinking about what they thought was important and making the decision on their own. Of course DH and I were there to guide and answer questions, but it was their decision in the end

We did something similar. DC had a list of all options and gave ratings for each category that they felt was part of the decision making process. Each one was given a weighting, as well. For example, strength of major had a factor of 2, but housing had a factor of 1. It helped DC determine what was and wasn't as important when deciding between their top schools.

edited for clarity

[Anonymous]

One more thing....

Our son applied ED to a school I didn't think was a good fit for him. But he really wanted to go... but then he got deferred, so I thought that was "solved." Lo & behold, he was admitted in the regular pool several months later and decided to go. He absolutely loved it and consistently describes that time as the happiest 4 years of his life.

So I was wrong. And honestly this forum would probably have advised against it, too (it's consistently described as a "preppy" school. He's the opposite --a sweats and t-shirt very casual guy---he made amazing friends and none of them are preppy, lol. I wouldn't peg any of them for this particular school's stereotype, even though I'd agree that some students fit it.)

So glad we stayed out of that decision. I would've pictured him elsewhere, but he was thrilled with his choice.

[Anonymous]

We are very talkative in our family. During the process last year, we had an ongoing back and forth about the schools he applied to, and he was decisive about the school that he applied ED. But it really depends upon your child’s ability to make decisions independently of what you tell them. And have you commonly had these kind of adult conversations with your child on other subjects?

The person who said that you should ask if she wants your opinion has it right.

[Anonymous]

Oh I share my opinion. We discuss everything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point I'd say, do you want my opinion? And then if she does, give it. If that helps her clarify she wants the other one, that's fine.

I also remind my kids that when two options are equally compelling it's usually because there's no bad choice. Just pick.

I like this advice.

You could also say: I can see some pros and cons of both. Do you want to hear them? If not, let her take the lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't ever say, "I think you should do this" or "I think you would be happier" etc. No "I think you.." opinions.

I did say, these are both great schools. My pros for Fancy U are the really tight community, I loved that dining hall, we know Peter is happy there, the career placement center was the best we saw, the residential system is my ideal, and there history faculty is top. My cons are the price wouldn't leave you with anything for grad school, travel back and forth will always be a pain, I dont know that it has as many alumni back in this area, if this is where you want to end up.

For Hudson U, the pros are Hogwarts buildings, which I love. The food is plenty good enough. Singles housing, which you liked. Tons of school spirit - very rah rah. Off campus housing junior and senior year at a reasonable price, great price with money left over for grad school. Cons are their history department is a little thinner, student-athlete divide is a concern, and all these reports of murders.

I mean, I think you know which one I like but I'm not SAYING which one I think she should ED to .

OP here-
Hahahha i totally agree on the murder comment!! I am concerned about the safety of one of them!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi-

My DD is torn between two schools for an ED choice. Yes, she could put off this decision and just RD but much less likely to get in to them RD (bc ED boost is real for both schools).

The two schools are quite different and I can understand her pros and cons to
Each and why she is drawn to these two.

My husband and I have been supportive of this difficult decision and have not offered our opinion between the two bc we want her to own the decision and not feel like we tipped the scale (and god forbid are blamed should It not feel like the right fit!)

What are you all doing as far as sharing opinions or preferences or noting extra down-sides to one school...?? Please LMK what your experience has been or
Any advice here?

Thank you so much in advance!!!

yes, your job is to listen and ask questions so she thoroughly considers the pros/cons for each school. Outside of finances, do not "share your opinion" because you are absolutely right, if (or more likely when) something goes wrong during college or the admission process, they will be frustrated and blame you. You want them to own their decision.
But you can share financial information, and how much you are willing/able to pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild to me. We 100% had very open discussions with our kids about school choices and pros and cons. Part of growing up is hearing opinions that may be different than yours, processing the information, and then still making your own decision.

"This is wild to me" - growing up is realizing people may do things differently than the way you do things.

No, the wild part is that people are afraid to share their opinion or talk to their kids openly. I can't say anything at all or voice my opinion for fear that my kid will resent me???

You can share your "opinion" but you ultimately want the decision to be your kids. When they have issues in college (all kids have some), you don't want them to blame you for "making them pick this school". You want them to own the decision. So your job (IMO) is to guide them thru the thought process to analyze the situation. You can provide details and list why you consider pros/cons for each school and remind your kid what they want out of life (major, career goals, etc) but ultimately you want them to pick the school and whether they ED (since it means they have to attend if they get accepted and might not get to hear from other schools). Outside of money the choice is theirs.

So stating "I think you should ED to school X because of y, z, and N" is different than "here are the advantages of School X over School Y IMO, what do you think about that?"

[Anonymous]

We would 100% have veto power if there were a huge price difference.

[Anonymous]

If you feel like both choices are okay with you, I'd prompt a discussion of the pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We would 100% have veto power if there were a huge price difference.

And that should be presented well before your kid even begins seriously narrowing down their list of schools to apply to. Kid should know how much you are able to help with for college (and grad school). And should be helped to understand if their career path includes needing/wanting graduate/professional school. So if you only have $250K to help with and they want med school/law school/professional school, then explain how much those cost and that it would be best to spend as little as possible for undergrad and have the rest for the future education. Help them see what $300K in loans for medical school will really mean for their future when they start working at age 28+.

Same if you only have $100K to help them with. Then they find a school that costs under $25K/year after they contribute from their summer jobs (and plan to work during breaks/PT for 10 hours during school year).