Am I unreasonable for setting boundaries with my SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

So is this the only thing that she's ever complained about in all these years of you hosting? And in what context does she "keep bringing it up?"

OP here. It came out of nowhere. She was so upset about the mud room comment, even thought it was a blanket comment made to everyone in the house (my husband was present and confirmed later that my delivery wasn’t rude or inappropriate) but it clearly bothered her so much that it made her offload onto our kids. She had before never made a comment about hosting in the entire decade before this past one and the mud room request, and had asked to stay here each and every time before. She brings it up every single time she speaks to my husband. I have apologized, but she won’t speak to me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Don't host someone who is not willing to speak with you. Next time she brings it up, have your husband let her know that HE feels it is best that they stay elsewhere when visiting next time.

Everyone can meet up to have a few meals or do an activity.

If she pushes back on that, then he can let her know he feels she is not very appreciative of all the efforts his wife goes through to prepare and try to make them feel comfortable and welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is for your husband to handle.

He should tell his sister that he understands that she is not comfortable as a houseguest in your house, and that it would make sense for her and her husband to make other arrangements for their stay. You'd love to see them while they are in town though, how about X restaurant?

THIS! She sounds overly sensitive, bonkers, both, or neither but I wouldn’t spend one more ounce of energy trying to figure out which. You need to lay this all out for your DH and get on the same page going forward: they stay at a hotel, you all meet at restaurants, etc. Why would she want to stay with you anyway if she’s so offended by everything you say/do?! Finally, try and not write her off forever. My BIL was incredibly rude to me for the first 5 years I was DH. Turns out their mother was borderline, all they had was each other, he saw me as a huge threat to their relationship blah blah Fast Forward 25 years and BIL and I are very close. Healing can happen…

[Anonymous]

A utility rug shouldn’t set off a person. When she requests a room again, your DH should give her the Marriot phone number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

So is this the only thing that she's ever complained about in all these years of you hosting? And in what context does she "keep bringing it up?"

OP here. It came out of nowhere. She was so upset about the mud room comment, even thought it was a blanket comment made to everyone in the house (my husband was present and confirmed later that my delivery wasn’t rude or inappropriate) but it clearly bothered her so much that it made her offload onto our kids. She had before never made a comment about hosting in the entire decade before this past one and the mud room request, and had asked to stay here each and every time before. She brings it up every single time she speaks to my husband. I have apologized, but she won’t speak to me anymore.

That's super strange honestly, I wonder if its something else then. I can sort of get it if she's been a good guest, was in a mood that day and sarcastically said (not directly to you) "oh, I'm such a burden" that it hurt her feelings for DH to confront her over that. I don't know. If she were that oversensitive, its hard to believe there never was another issue that triggered her in all these yeare. You seem reasonable and i think you are reporting it accurately. So I wonder if she doesn't want to visit for other reasons (marriage problems) or has some kind of stress or hormonal issue that is making her blow this up, because I think neither your directive about the mudroom or her comment is that bad to cause so much drama (hers being worse but forgivable, we all can have a bad day).

[Anonymous]

OP, how is this a problem? if she has been angry/brought this up for half a year and is this angry, don't worry, they WON'T be staying with you. This is the least of your problems.

This is DH's problem and he can address it with her/their parents so they are aware of her possible mental health issues/changes in her behaviour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them make their own arrangements for accommodations going forward.

This is what I want to do. But what should we say to her when she asks about staying here?

You say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy. You meet them on neutral turf. A restaurant. That your DH arranges (they are hIS family) You drive yourself so you can leave when you feel that's appropriate.

This! My problematic SIL did not like this either.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn’t speak to you and your husband does nothing to organize visits, how will this even be an issue? You think she will call your husband and ask to stay and he will just say yes and tell you about it expecting you to host? If this actually happens, then I would just tell my husband that I would be out of the house while they were there so he can handle it. I would book a hotel if I had to.

It would be insane for your husband to expect you to hang around your house with someone that isn’t speaking to you. You have a major husband problem if he would go along with this. Just tell him you don’t want to be around her at this point for the foreseeable future.

[Anonymous]

Well you say in your post that the two of you don’t get along. That’s your problem. It has nothing to do with the mud room comment and you should know that. This is about whether she can co tinge to stay with you when you two both don’t like each other. Well, consider the trade offs. Are there cousins that like playing together? Does it preserve your spouse’s closeness with his family? Is that worth it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them make their own arrangements for accommodations going forward.

This is what I want to do. But what should we say to her when she asks about staying here?

If someone is refusing to speak to me, they don't get to stay in my house. That's easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them make their own arrangements for accommodations going forward.

This is what I want to do. But what should we say to her when she asks about staying here?

If someone is refusing to speak to me, they don't get to stay in my house. That's easy.

This. Simple, common sense.

If SIL (or anyone else) asks why tell them the truth: She has said repeatedly that she is not comfortable in our home.

End of statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Hi crazy mil. We all were waiting for you to appear.

Only you would think everyone in the family is out of line vs reading what op posted and understanding what this sil is about.

[Anonymous]

Do they have children?

I don’t quite understand how asking them to put muddy boots on a rug / rack led to this breakdown and six months that of them repeatedly saying they think they are a burden. If she was asked - is that what she would say? That her current upset is solely due to being asked to put muddy boots on a rack? That doesn’t make sense to me at all.

The two of you don’t like each other and it doesn’t sound like anyone except maybe the kids are enjoying the visits.

How do they arrange visits? Next time just say it doesn’t work for you. But that if they are in town you can meet up somewhere that the kids will have fun and spend the day together. Or your husband can take the kids and spend the day with them and you can stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

That you think she “hopes to gain” anything as all speaks volumes about you as well as her. You said in the beginning that the relationship has never been great. Do you think that she is such an idiot that she hasn’t sensed that as well? Have you considered the possibility that maybe she isn’t “hoping to gain” anything but that her feelings were just hurt? You need to look inward and not just outward.

Our relationship isn’t great but not because of anything I’ve done, other than marrying her brother, I suppose. I’ve never been anything but nice to her. I’m tired of being walked all over. She has to want something to keep this up for half a year, but I can’t imagine what.

Prior poster is full of bull shite and believes women should tolerate all kinds of abuse in the name of faaaaaaaaamily. My ils looked so nice and cute from the outside but I had a front row seat to see how my mil and sils treated another sil who married in to the family. I would call them out on their bad behavior and told them I'd never tolerate it. They went after me when that sil and bil moved away and started the day I was in the hospital with a complicated birth. They lived to cause fights and their core belief in life was their family unit ie fil, mil, my dh, sils were family and the rest of us who married in were not. They spent a lot of time creating situations where they tried to force dh to pick them over me and our kids.

Your sil is trying to assert that she is more important than you. You are less than and she is going to repeatedly make this an issue with your family.

I would never have them in my home and no, I would not be the one speaking with them anymore. I'd stop any activities with them. She's trying to train everyone to think you deserve to be abused. That she feels so comfortable doing this in your home is telling.