Filled with hatred for STBX and trying to hide it from the kids

[Anonymous]

There are two sides to every story. Maybe op is getting financially screwed or maybe they are actually the entitled one just trying to horde money for themselves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would love to know the answer to this. Similar situation but we’re not even to the financial part and are stuck on time. DH wants time with the kids but then never actually rearranges his schedule to make it work and doesn’t show up to events he promises to be at. I have to pick up the emotional mess it creates and it’s really hard not to shred him to pieces in front of the kids, but also hard to make excuses for him. I know the financial stuff will be just plain vile.

I think the hardest part is having to convey to the kids the apologies that their father really should be giving. I frequently find myself in that position and it is not fair but it feels like one of the parents needs to acknowledge how messed up things are.

Schedule a 4 hour mediation session and get through all your issues at once. A good mediator will help find a agreeable middle ground on everything.
We did and it resolved 95% of our parenting plan.

This only works with someone whose main goal isn't screwing you over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't cover up for him. Tell them you know it's sad and disappointing he did not follow through but don't make excuses.
Making his excuses is buying into the mess.
Keep clear. Acknowledge the kids' feelings but don't make his apologies.

Np. Good advice. I’m 10 years divorced and I covered for my ex with my kids for years. High road and all. Then he decides to be more involved up a number of years later and bashed me to the kids

There's a wide middle ground between making excuses for someone and bashing them yourself.

Now how to walk that perfectly when your kids come to you crying because their other parent is bashing YOU to the kids? That...I don't know. My kids are so tired of hearing "I'm sorry. That's an issue between us and you shouldn't have to hear about it." But at least I'm not covering for the jerk.

[Anonymous]

OP mad she not getting paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, if he's stealing money from his own children and ruining their future, they deserve to know the truth. They can decide their own feelings, but hiding the "why" never works.

I agree with a therapist for yourself to get all these emotions out.

It's not their money to steal. Parents are under no obligation to spend lavishly on their children.

The moral obligation not to put your own kids in drastically different living conditions can’t be ignored. These are not full bodied adults who can just go find a job makeup for the lost home and college.

its not just moral some jurisdictions take this into consideration

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP mad she not getting paid.

This. ..And probably has to give up her lavish lifestyle and move into a smaller or rental home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP mad she not getting paid.

This. ..And probably has to give up her lavish lifestyle and move into a smaller or rental home

You’d be whining even louder.

[Anonymous]

You should never speak negatively about the children’s dad in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two sides to every story. Maybe op is getting financially screwed or maybe they are actually the entitled one just trying to horde money for themselves

Right. This is where my mind went too. There’s not enough details from OP to know. She’s clearly passionate and upset at STBX. But there are no details as to why things should be split differently financially except that it’s what she wants. Splitting finances is a common process and a decent attorney should be able to let her know whether the a way she think things should work is actually how courts normally divide assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should never speak negatively about the children’s dad in front of them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Do you work full time? Are your salaries comparable? There are formulas and laws. He can’t just steal money from you. He may be still using that money for the kids but more directly, bypassing you. He needs to contribute a share towards the children (as do you) depending on custody. But he doesn’t have to be your personal sugar daddy anymore.

Go read the Kelly Clarkson thread. There are many women do not think the partner with less income should get alimony, child support or half the marital assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should never speak negatively about the children’s dad in front of them.

+1

but to objectively say:
Dad left for mistress
Dad stopped paying any bills
Dad is trying to take the bank account that was solely meant for kids expenses

is all objective information. It does more harm to cover up his secrets and lies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should never speak negatively about the children’s dad in front of them.

+1

but to objectively say:
Dad left for mistress
Dad stopped paying any bills
Dad is trying to take the bank account that was solely meant for kids expenses

is all objective information. It does more harm to cover up his secrets and lies

No. That is not “objective” and is deeply damaging to children. They do not need to know details. Speak from the “I” — “I can’t afford that” covers a lot.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same place OP. It was first fighting over custody and now $. He has lied so much, including to my family and now my relationship with my family is forever ruined.

It is so heavy and dark and I tried to be open about it with friends but very quickly ran into the fact that most married women cannot hold space for something like this. Now I only talk about it with my therapist, my partner and my best friend, and any other divorcees who know what it’s like and have been through their own trauma.

It’s been disheartening because everyone is all #metoo and girl power and then if you are actually in an abusive relationship, everyone kind of shields their eyes. If the XH makes money or is a halfway decent dad, no one cares what he’s done. You are now poorer in their eyes and women always have to do the childcare anyway, so you have no value to them.

But as a result, I’m starting to come out of the disillusionment phase, and am so much stronger, wiser and know who my real friends are. You will get there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, if he's stealing money from his own children and ruining their future, they deserve to know the truth. They can decide their own feelings, but hiding the "why" never works.

I agree with a therapist for yourself to get all these emotions out.

It's not their money to steal. Parents are under no obligation to spend lavishly on their children.

Of course it is. If he’s draining their account to gamble or his OF addiction that’s robbing the children. Stop defending these men.