Filled with hatred for STBX and trying to hide it from the kids

[Anonymous]

How do people with a very contentious divorce manage to coparent effectively and avoid spelling things over to their kids?

We have reached the separating finances stage of our divorce and I’m incredibly angry. It’s one thing for a long marriage to breakdown, it’s another thing for that person to turn around and lie and cheat and try to screw me and the kids over financially.

This whole process has been one disappointment after another – clearly I thought STBX was great at some point and now that is so far in the rearview mirror. i can’t help feeling a lot of hatred on a daily basis.

How do people handle this phase? I don’t want to be that parent who is trying to poison their children against the ex. I so badly want to do the right thing for the kids and help them maintain their relationship with my ex, but if STBX dropped dead today, I might have difficulty containing my glee. Any tips on how to bridge this gap?

[Anonymous]

I know three people whose ex's dropped dead. I felt so happy for them -- but remained silent. I hear you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Spoiler .. Your kids probably already know you hate their father.

[Anonymous]

Therapy: you'll have someone to vent to and can help you move through the different stages as anger is not the worst one

[Anonymous]

Meh, if he's stealing money from his own children and ruining their future, they deserve to know the truth. They can decide their own feelings, but hiding the "why" never works.

I agree with a therapist for yourself to get all these emotions out.

[Anonymous]

I felt this way about my xH for many reasons, including financial (he also does not care one bit about taking care of the kids financially and has actually been trying to talk them out of going to college because he doesn’t want to spend his hobby money on it).

The best advice I got was to act very bored by him. Someone explained it to think back to when you were a teenager and had to go to family functions, how boring you thought all these old adults are. Or when you were single and went on dates with extremely boring men. Not in an outright rude way, just in a totally disinterested way. Adopting that attitude saved me, especially while we were still living together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Spoiler .. Your kids probably already know you hate their father.

Every divorced woman hates their ex husband.

It’s normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, if he's stealing money from his own children and ruining their future, they deserve to know the truth. They can decide their own feelings, but hiding the "why" never works.

I agree with a therapist for yourself to get all these emotions out.

Then she would be making her kids hate their own father,which is not a good thing for them. That's the tricky part.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. Meditation. Perhaps medication. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Why is it necessary to share your views on their father? Have they asked you?

[Anonymous]

It's hard. It fades. I found it's ok to occasionally let your kids know how you feel as long as you let them have their own feelings and don't try to poison them.

[Anonymous]

I would love to know the answer to this. Similar situation but we’re not even to the financial part and are stuck on time. DH wants time with the kids but then never actually rearranges his schedule to make it work and doesn’t show up to events he promises to be at. I have to pick up the emotional mess it creates and it’s really hard not to shred him to pieces in front of the kids, but also hard to make excuses for him. I know the financial stuff will be just plain vile.

I think the hardest part is having to convey to the kids the apologies that their father really should be giving. I frequently find myself in that position and it is not fair but it feels like one of the parents needs to acknowledge how messed up things are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? Why is it necessary to share your views on their father? Have they asked you?

Puh-leeze!

It’s not something any of us can hide.

[Anonymous]

Vent to therapist and friends. Find something that helps gets your anger out. My friend's ex walked out on his family with no warning and disappeared for a month. Screwed her financially in the process. When he came back and started the divorce proceedings, she didn't want to completely ruin his relationship with their son. But she was mad, devastated, sad ...all the emotions.
She got a therapist for herself and her son and we and some of our other friends enrolled in a kickboxing/boxing class. She found it VERY therapeutic to punch and kick bags and mitts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do people with a very contentious divorce manage to coparent effectively and avoid spelling things over to their kids?

We have reached the separating finances stage of our divorce and I’m incredibly angry. It’s one thing for a long marriage to breakdown, it’s another thing for that person to turn around and lie and cheat and try to screw me and the kids over financially.

This whole process has been one disappointment after another – clearly I thought STBX was great at some point and now that is so far in the rearview mirror. i can’t help feeling a lot of hatred on a daily basis.

How do people handle this phase? I don’t want to be that parent who is trying to poison their children against the ex. I so badly want to do the right thing for the kids and help them maintain their relationship with my ex, but if STBX dropped dead today, I might have difficulty containing my glee. Any tips on how to bridge this gap?

I don't know but SAME girl, SAME. Here's hoping he drops dead for you.

And PS in response to another poster my kids still think I adore my departing spouse. I think maybe all the compartmentalization increases my anger so yeah.... gotta find places to get it out elsewhere.