Really sad about lack of relationship with brother and his family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the summer wraps up, i've been really upset this week about the lack of relationship I have with my brother. Over the past 6 months he has only reached out 2 times (and once was actually his wife, not him I think). They live 40 min away and we have young kids the same age and he is a teacher so has had time all summer. We have similar political views and like to do alot of the same things. I had a vision of our kids being close- and my brother has verbalized this too but I dont think my 2 year old even knows his older cousins (3 yr older than him) name at this point.

I dont think its that my brother and my SIL dont like me. I think its that he's so self centered and likes doing his own thing and is bad at communicating. Last time we talked on the phone he was like "oh we havent seen you since last month, we should do something soon" and when we get together is seems like everyone has a good time, but when I reach out to hang out or get together, he never responds. His wife tries to make him manage his relationship with his family, so while she does loop me into larger events and invites me to the kids birthdays and for example Easter this year- Im just so sad.

Previously I would reach out and then clear my calendar that weekend just hoping they would want to get together and I stopped doing that because I was sick of plans (also with parents who live nearby) just always centering around him and his family's needs and schedule. He's always been favored by my parents even though he can be rude to them.

Im thinking of sending him an email about all of this, prob should call him but honestly he rarely picks up (not just a problem with me). Im single and just have one kid and thought moving back to this area would allow me to have a relationship with my family. Im just sad.

You have this idealized notion of "family" and "relationship" and the obligations that seemingly come with both to ensure your happiness, but it doesn't work that way, you can't play the "family" card and say hey do this, this is expected of you, you know!

In.any event, you resent your brother and judge him, so just leave him alone actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this a lot. You simply want a closer relationship than he wants. He values your relationship but simply doesn’t want the level of closeness and frequency of visits that you do.

Do not write to him! That is completely crazy and will make him pull back more.

From what OP describes, he's not making an active choice. He just sounds lazy. If they lived next door he'd probably see her all the time. Hes just not going to make arrangements and plans. Op needs to take a bigger role in that, with SIL if she's amenable. I think there is some childhood baggage here when OP says everything was also catered around his needs. She probably needs to let that go. Her brother is married with multiple children whole OP is single with one child, so she'll have to be the more flexible one, but it can be done with some effort. I hope OP is not treating this as referendum on how valued she is in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my brother. He's always been this way. It's out of sight, out of mind. If it weren't for his wife (whom no one actually likes), he would hardly talk to our parents. He didn't before she married him. She basically manages his relationship with our parents. But, that's because she sees it as a chore. In her culture, that's what wives do.

Luckily for your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If OP is a single mom with a small kid...why does she think anyone is interested in hanging out with her, least of all her grown-ass-married-with-children brother?

What a cruel, cynical thing to say. And do you really think men can’t enjoy hanging out with their sisters simply because they’re men?

Once or twice a year? Sure. Every weekend? No.

The brother already has his own family. He does not want to be a babysitter or a father figure for someone else's toddler on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this a lot. You simply want a closer relationship than he wants. He values your relationship but simply doesn’t want the level of closeness and frequency of visits that you do.

Do not write to him! That is completely crazy and will make him pull back more.

From what OP describes, he's not making an active choice. He just sounds lazy. If they lived next door he'd probably see her all the time. Hes just not going to make arrangements and plans. Op needs to take a bigger role in that, with SIL if she's amenable. I think there is some childhood baggage here when OP says everything was also catered around his needs. She probably needs to let that go. Her brother is married with multiple children whole OP is single with one child, so she'll have to be the more flexible one, but it can be done with some effort. I hope OP is not treating this as referendum on how valued she is in the family.

If she starts the whole "we need to talk about our childhood" mess that will cause her brother to run away even more. No one wants to hear a lecture from a sibling on their skewed perspective on what happened 20 to 30 years ago, especially once that sibling has done big grown things like have a whole entire baby. Take care of your kid and leave childish things behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If OP is a single mom with a small kid...why does she think anyone is interested in hanging out with her, least of all her grown-ass-married-with-children brother?

What a cruel, cynical thing to say. And do you really think men can’t enjoy hanging out with their sisters simply because they’re men?

Of course people can, and the PP was ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

But, it is equally obvious that OP's brother *doesn't* enjoy hanging out with her. If he did, he would. OP said it herself - she claims he's selfish and likes to do what he likes to do. Therefore, it's inescapable that he doesn't like to hang out with her.

Of course, the chip on OP's shoulder may have something to do with it - she claims he's selfish, a bad communicator, and is favored by her parents. That may all be true, but some of her opinion of him probably peeks through when she is with him. It'd make me less likely to want to hang out with her, too.

[Anonymous]

maybe this has already been addressed but pick and actual day don't leave it opene ended luke we should get together or wait for his schedule to open up. say bbq at my house saturday the 30 at 2 see you then. Sunday dinner every 2nd sunday at my place or whatever. I also think you need to adjust your expectations ie you chose to move you don't get to dictate that everyone's life should now revolve around you and your child you do have to put in the additional work to build your own community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:maybe this has already been addressed but pick and actual day don't leave it opene ended luke we should get together or wait for his schedule to open up. say bbq at my house saturday the 30 at 2 see you then. Sunday dinner every 2nd sunday at my place or whatever. I also think you need to adjust your expectations ie you chose to move you don't get to dictate that everyone's life should now revolve around you and your child you do have to put in the additional work to build your own community.

ChatGPT - please use proper pronunciation and grammar to this gobbledygook paragraph, so that it is readable.

[Anonymous]

You're a single mom with a 2-yo and he's a married guy with 5 yo kids. At these ages kids are not close in age, a 5 year-old can do vastly different things than a 2 year-old. Basically it sounds your brother has his plate full with his family life and work and you're bored. You say yourself you moved back to the area, so you were somewhere else and now want your brother to be your social life. He doesn't want that. He has his own life. You need to figure out your own social life both for yourself and your child.

[Anonymous]

40 minutes isn’t close by. He isn’t just going to come over on a Wednesday night because he has the summer off. He has other things to do most weekends.

I’m sorry you are lonely, but he isn’t your solution. And don’t email or call him about this. You will sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Im thinking of sending him an email about all of this, prob should call him

Don't do this. This won't help.

I agree. Meet him where he is. At least they do invite you to birthday parties. Appreciate what you have. The wife is doing the right thing-she does not interfere and lets him deal with his family other than big events. He is communicating with you by what he does. If you really want to see him more next time he brings it up give a few choices of times and dates. If he cannot commit, let it go. I don't think an email about all this will help and it may push him away, because you are saying you are dissatisfied and want more and he has already made it clear through actions that is not what he wants.

[Anonymous]

I just re-read your post. Do you even like your brother? You say he's self-centered. You make assumptions about how much free time he has for you based on the fact he is a teacher. He say he's rude to your parents. Usually we sense how people feel about us and I certainly would not want to be around someone who thought I was a self-centered and rude jerk.

Also, you are lost in "shoulds" about family and you have all sorts of unrealistic expectations about what would happen moving. You also seem to ruminate. Use that time to create the life you want with current friends and making new friends. Enjoy the time you do get to see family and accept them as they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my brother. He's always been this way. It's out of sight, out of mind. If it weren't for his wife (whom no one actually likes), he would hardly talk to our parents. He didn't before she married him. She basically manages his relationship with our parents. But, that's because she sees it as a chore. In her culture, that's what wives do.

No one in your family likes the one person making an effort at having a non-dysfunctional relationship, and you’ve deemed her a doormat. For her own sake, hopefully she’ll drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my brother. He's always been this way. It's out of sight, out of mind. If it weren't for his wife (whom no one actually likes), he would hardly talk to our parents. He didn't before she married him. She basically manages his relationship with our parents. But, that's because she sees it as a chore. In her culture, that's what wives do.

I hope you and your parents are careful not to show this attitude to your SIL, because she can always stop doing this "chore," and your parents will never get to see your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my brother. He's always been this way. It's out of sight, out of mind. If it weren't for his wife (whom no one actually likes), he would hardly talk to our parents. He didn't before she married him. She basically manages his relationship with our parents. But, that's because she sees it as a chore. In her culture, that's what wives do.

I hope you and your parents are careful not to show this attitude to your SIL, because she can always stop doing this "chore," and your parents will never get to see your brother.

I was going to comment on this as well. The wife is nice enough to take on something that isn't her job-any expert would say he should do the communication and planning with his family-and the poster has to add "whom nobody actually likes." I hope this unappreciated wife drops the ball and lets him deal so she isn't the scapegoat.

If your brother doesn't make plans with you it's because he doesn't want to. It's that simple. Stop scapegoating other people. He didn't make plans before he met his wife because he doesn't want to be part of the dysfunction. You are lucky she because of her "culture" she sucked it up and invited you people.