Group chats- advice for a 5th grade parent?

[Anonymous]

I give no expectation of privacy to my kids and their phone activities. And explicitly talk through possible scenarios and that they need to be comfortable coming to parents with issues. So, what happens if someone starts bullying in a chat, what if someone sends them an inappropriate picture etc etc. And I openly talk about what’s in the group chat. I don’t parent other kids (if it’s not super serious) but we talk about things said that aren’t ok. Need to have an open line of commmunicaiton and the moment that stops, the phone goes away. It’s a privilege not a right. Of course, we will adjust as she ages, but that’s where I am with our 6th grader. 10th grader has more freedom but still no expectation of privacy. Of course, she now has Snapchat, so there is an element of trust there since I can’t really see everything in that app.

[Anonymous]

My DD's friend group needed phones earlier than most because of walking home/being home without the parents in the afternoon.

I think it is a good thing to give your kids tech and teach them how to use it responsibly, under your guidance, rather than pretend it doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, in 4th and 5th grade this was how my daughter texted and FaceTimed her friends. We just used the iCloud email. She has a phone going into 6th now but she still uses both the iPad and phone interchangeably as it’s logged into the same account on the phone as well.

OP and thank you! I don’t want to give in on the phone but I can see a situation where we set up the family ipad with an Apple ID that belongs just to DD and keep it in the kitchen like an old-fashioned family desktop computer/landline.

Well hold up. . . you've got to make sure you can read those texts and she can't delete them before you do. I don't know all the ways this can be done, but when my now college kid was in MS she had her own number, but it was linked to my apple ID. This meant, I could log-in to her account and read her messages on my IPad. You want that kind of supervision initially. You'll see some very important teaching moments. Things that came up in my kids' group chats: (1) a friend posting a picture about the smell of Lush "making her wet" with pics of my DD and other friends (gross); (2) someone just texting back rudely to my DD "I don't care" and coaching her through how to respond; (3) racist language being used by boys in a mixed-gender group chat; (4) bullying happens all the time in group chats as the group may gang up on someone for something they did or said. This sort of stuff continues through H.S. and your kid will need to learn how to manage these sorts of conflicts. But, having you see some of the problems as they develop early on can help while the stakes are relatively low and she'll be willing to accept your input more than she will be when she's 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you understand the consequences of your options. If you don't allow some sort of electronic device, particularly an apple one, she will be left out. And, she will know and she will feel it. And, it won't just be on texts and group chats. But, she won't get included in activities because they are planned on texts and group chats. OTOH, if you give her a phone, you will have to monitor it and teach her how to use it in accordance with your values.

Personally, I opted for the phone. You gotta work with your kids at some point to navigate use of electronics and managing drama so you might as well do it at the point where it is necessary to avoid the adverse consequences on their relationships and social lives.

Omg, does an Apple marketing dept employee shill-post here??? Nobody's social life died because they didn't have an iPhone. Let me tell you the secret about popular kids: they will still be popular even if they communicate by carrier pigeon. It's not the brand of phone they have or the brand of athleisure they wear, it's how they command attention.

For kids that do not have phones but have an Apple Watch or iPad, having an Apple product absolutely impacts their ability to communicate. They can't join iMessage chats - so if only one or two kids have an Android, they are left out. It's real.

Not really the case any more (or ever really), but I could see kids not knowing how to properly set it up. Parents, you absolutely don't need to pay the apple tax, just help them get up and running.

[Anonymous]

Kids don't talk on the phone any more (they think it's rude), and yes, this is affecting the young 20-something sat the office.

For our own family solution, we got the kids a brick as they called it, when they were younger. A phone that would talk and text only (even if there was wifi, they didn't have access to the internet). So no SM, no IG, no SnapChat, no TikTok, ettc.

They could text with friends on their brick, and we had a family iPad that everyone had access to that we kept in the family room only. We also implemented a no electronics in any bedroom rule (plugged in downstairs overnight, bedrooms all upstairs).

They earned smart phones with good grades and good behavior at the start of 8th grade. And, when either suffered, they lost their smart phones. We followed through on our family rules

[Anonymous]

Our kid is allowed in groupchats, and we just read them for the first 18 months or so... when he was in one that got out-of-hand (constant praise for Andrew Tate, discussions on how to make a swastika emoji, sharing screenshots of obscene conversations with a 4th grade girl) we talked about the consequences of being involved and he made the decision to leave the chat on his own. We monitored other chats and have gradually laid off the constant monitoring, but let him know we might check at any point—and warned him other kids parents might be reading as well.

[Anonymous]

My kid used an iPad for messaging and group chats, and it was fine. We had limits on how much time she could spend on the messaging app (still do, now that she's got a phone.)

It's always been hard for me to figure out what's the 'right' amount of texting/social media time my kids should have. On one hand, they're immersed in their phones when they're doing it, but when they tell me what they've been doing, it's often pretty funny or interesting or purposeful and not that different than the ways I reach out to friends to vent or share something silly. I used to spend lots of the evening on the phone with my friends, starting in middle school. This is just on a screen, which I don't like, but maybe that's me.

Not trying to make this about me here--just sharing my thought process for how my bias against screen-based things gets in the way of my recognizing that my kids are doing basically what I did, and I studied hard and turned out fine and don't have trouble distingiushing life from afar with life up close.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM. No phone for my 12 year old yet but she does have access to an iPad for group chats etc. I don’t care how long she is on screens in the summer bc it gives me peace.

[Anonymous]

8th grade is when we allowed a device, because they had already learned how to navigate the toxic social dynamics of 7th and 6th grade. 5th grade is too young, and without exception, the most problematic kids in middle school have been the ones whose parents gave them devices in elementary.

[Anonymous]

My daughter got my old apple phone at the end of her 5th grade year, much earlier than I anticipated and even earlier than my older child. I've made peace with the idea that this is how kids communicate. We went with the Apple option because of the ability to lock down and/or limit apps. Overnight the phone charges in our family room and my daughter knows that I have the capacity to see everything that is viewed, texted, etc. even should something be deleted. It's worked out very well so far. One of the best things to come out of it is our family chat thread. A close second is all the conversations we've had about chats with her friends, how some friends talk online, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes. This is what we will do for our son who is the same age. I think it can be buggy with android friends though

[Anonymous]

We have iPads but no iPhones, android only and have zero issues with kids being left off chats with Androids. Not an issue.

[Anonymous]

Our 13 year old got her iPhone in the middle of 7th grade. DH works in cyber so things are locked down pretty well. What we did:

-Access to text, phone, FaceTime, camera
-No internet browser
-No social media
-Downtime from 8pm to 7am
-Phone does not go into her bedroom
-She can only add contacts who have a mutual contact with her, otherwise DH or I add them

We monitor text threads as needed. She often shows us stuff if she has a specific concern. With a fifth grader, I'd keep a close eye on group chats and be transparent with your daughter about that. We allow our DD some privacy, but are clear about limits, e.g., imminent concern about someone's safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, in 4th and 5th grade this was how my daughter texted and FaceTimed her friends. We just used the iCloud email. She has a phone going into 6th now but she still uses both the iPad and phone interchangeably as it’s logged into the same account on the phone as well.

OP and thank you! I don’t want to give in on the phone but I can see a situation where we set up the family ipad with an Apple ID that belongs just to DD and keep it in the kitchen like an old-fashioned family desktop computer/landline.

Then do that. It seems like the perfect solution. My kids got phones in 5th grade, only because we got new phones and they got our old ones. We had them locked down for wifi only, limited apps, they didn’t leave the house and they could only use them in common areas for certain times of the day. An iPad would have had a lot more options. We slowly gave them more as they got older.

Now they are teens with unlimited access. Our oldest is about to be 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with a dumb question: can someone join a group text from an iPad using an email and not a phone number?

Yes, in 4th and 5th grade this was how my daughter texted and FaceTimed her friends. We just used the iCloud email. She has a phone going into 6th now but she still uses both the iPad and phone interchangeably as it’s logged into the same account on the phone as well.

OP and thank you! I don’t want to give in on the phone but I can see a situation where we set up the family ipad with an Apple ID that belongs just to DD and keep it in the kitchen like an old-fashioned family desktop computer/landline.

Giving in on an iPad instead of a phone is pointless. None of them make phone calls and a tablet is arguably worse for avoiding things like youtube because of the bigger screen. The only thing it does is prevent people from being able to text an Android.