Friend separated from spouse but didn't say anything

[Anonymous]

Do NOT text about it!! It sounds like you two are not particularly close if you just now are noticing her absence and didn’t know the marriage was in trouble. I am sure she has been reaching out to closer friends/family for any support she needs. I have a friend who disclosed her divorce along the same lines - casually mentioning that her husband closed on his new place and the kids were picking out new beds etc. She’s not the type to want to make a big announcement and have all eyes on her and then have to answer questions or explain the store when she clearly didn’t want to go into it. It will put your friend in an awkward position to text her and seems like you’re digging for details/gossip. If you hang out one on one and she brings it up, that’s when you can express sympathy I guess. For all you know, she is thrilled the marriage is over!

Totally different from expressing sympathy over death/illness or something objectively sad, even to someone you’re not close with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

Oh you are not going to get away with this one. Spill the beans now the Internet is curious. Tell us, what happened?

Don't be an azz. Seriously, getting kicks of this PPs trauma?

[Anonymous]

Say nothing. She might bring it up and then listen. Let her lead the conversation and let her bring it up. Some people don't want to talk about things. We all process change in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I announced my divorce on facebook specifically to make sure nobody ever did what you are contemplating. Stay out of it.

Did you tell people not to contact you?

[Anonymous]

She soft launched the divorce. Assume that was intentional. A hard launch would have been an announcement and invitation to talk/support. She did it when she wanted, the way she wanted. Now it's out but she wants to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. Some women are very happy to be divorced, and they feel a great sense of relief. If someone like you approached them offering support as if someone had died, you would be the one creating drama and shame. A lot of women completed the mourning stage while in the marriage, up until they made the decision to leave. If you were not privy to that stage, keep your mouth shut. She is ready to move on to a new chapter.

+1. I was very relieved to be getting a divorce. When people found out they kept saying they were so sorry for me. I had to keep telling them not to be and that I was very relieved and excited that it was ending. Awkward!

People don’t know others’ situations. To those in happy marriages, it seems terrible to imagine it ending. For those in miserable marriages, it’s can feel great to finally be getting out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I announced my divorce on facebook specifically to make sure nobody ever did what you are contemplating. Stay out of it.

Did you tell people not to contact you?

Not exactly. But I controlled the narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

Oh you are not going to get away with this one. Spill the beans now the Internet is curious. Tell us, what happened?

+1

Nope nope nope. Not identifying myself, sorry.

It's not a salacious affair, though, if that's what you were hoping for.

Tax fraud maybe lol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She soft launched the divorce. Assume that was intentional. A hard launch would have been an announcement and invitation to talk/support. She did it when she wanted, the way she wanted. Now it's out but she wants to move on.

Women are wild soft/hard launch of divorces, talk/support lol...women truly support one another tough. It's a good thing I guess.

[Anonymous]

OP you are a mom getting together not a true friend in her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are a mom getting together not a true friend in her mind.

^^agree. We call that an "acquaintance."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't reach out. You are so socially unaware that she clearly wants nothing mentioned of this event.

+1

You just want info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who's in the middle of a separation, I've only mentioned it to people who are super close or have a need to know. The situation that led to my separation is a really terrible story I don't want to tell, and glossing over the story sounds dumb. So I'm just quiet.

Oh you are not going to get away with this one. Spill the beans now the Internet is curious. Tell us, what happened?

Honestly, what's wrong with you? If you find out someone has terminal cancer do you ask them exactly how much time they have left? FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think for women there is a sense of guilt/shame when divorce happens. I have a couple guy friends who recently divorced and they said it to me non chanlently and we barely talked about the reasons etc and just pivoted to taking about the economy, politics, sports.

Maybe other women judge divorced women more than men judge divorced men?

Women are scared sh#tless that divorce is contagious. Its not uncommon for separated/divorced women to stop being included in activities with larger groups of married friends, especially in a neighborhood social group where the ties are a bit more tenuous and motivated by convenience/proximity (rather than a lifelong friendship).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m in the minority here but I think you could reach out and say you heard her mention the kids being with their dad and you hadn’t realized they were separated. I’d offer to be a sounding board if she ever needed one and leave it at that. I think that’s offering support without prying. It’s not like you heard it through the grapevine.

Do not do this. If she has said nothing, she wants privacy.

During my separation I was barely surviving and was keeping things very quiet. Someone from my extended social circle reached out like this and it was really unwelcome and upsetting. It made me feel like everyone was talking about me. If I had wanted to reach out and talk to this person about my situation, I would have done so. I did not want a "I'm here if you need to talk" message from this person.