Spouse Keeps List

[Anonymous]

I started keeping a list in response to gaslighting. It was just a list of all the times he got home after 8 pm or all the "work travel" he was scheduling. We ended up in therapy, and I then dropped the list once I felt heard.

[Anonymous]

You guys are all in super well functioning relationships. Good thing you never say “stfu” though because that would be a bridge too far!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I needed to get something off my spouse's phone and saw they had open a note with my name. Yes, I read it and not sure if I am happy I did or regret it. It was basically a list of all the things I have done over the years to make them upset or parts of my personality they do not like. Most I knew about as they have come up in arguments and I had my chance to give my perspective on what occurred and/or apologised. But it was shocking to see this list that contained such visceral reactions to situations. Of note, it seems my spouse will give pretty much anyone the benefit of the doubt except it seems me. What would you do?

How gross.

Is he OCD about everything?

When and what was the last entry.

Protect yourself and plan your exit. He sounds mental. Has he made any effort to talk through anything on the list ever?

No, he actually isn't OCD at all. The last entry was I think a few months ago- it was hard to tell exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been together over 25 years. It used to be that I’d voice things I was upset about and then kind of snowball until I realized what was actually bothering me. It’s been much better since I’ve taken the time to write things down that are bothering me, sleep on them or figure out which ones are worth addressing and which ones are just because I’m tired, or hangry or whatever. I do bring up the things that matter and we discuss things pretty well, but I am sure there are lists around - I’ve even come across old lists before. Any chance that’s what’s happening? My husband knows I now journal my initial feelings / get the frustration out so I don’t think he’d be shocked if he found lists.

This is a good perspective and something to think about. Maybe this is his "journal" so to speak and a way to work through issues before saying something he regrets. I will try and give him the benefit of the doubt...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your marriage otherwise? Was everything fine until you saw this list? If so I would try to put it in the back of my mind. It’s probably just your spouse thinking this through and trying to wrap his/her head around it.

Over the recent past (6-8 months), I think our relationship has been normal to good. We have definitely gone through rocky times which we have both contributed to.

[Anonymous]

What would I do? Contact an attorney and get my finances in order.

Your days are numbered, gurl.

[Anonymous]

I would walk into the room where he is, put the phone in front of him with the list open, and say “I’m not interested in living under a surveillance regime like this, so we either go to counseling or we’re getting divorced. I see that this list is long, so it’s not obvious to me what your preference is. Which do you want?”

[Anonymous]

Who does this list thing? Must be exhausting. I’d delete the list for fun. I also do little things to show him what gaslighting is. I’m a recycler and planet lover. He uses these stupid plastic toothpicks. I gave him his very own small recycling bin. Like a child’s bin with a fun little opening on top for his stupid picks, plastic crap. He does his own laundry and I find the picks in his pockets or dryer. I collected more than a handful of them and stuffed them in his pillow case. Ouch.

He never exhibited OCD behavior but it’s clear now. Or he’s a spiteful prick. Regardless, he gets what he gives.

[Anonymous]

Is it at all possible that you have been going through personal struggles lately, or a bad pattern in the marriage of arguments etc?

I kept notes in phone when my DH was struggling with anxiety (diagnosed), he was drinking too much as well and we were having a very rough patch in our marriage. Just things like anger episodes, triggers, causes of arguments etc to try to identify patterns. It was actually really helpful for me, and I was able to gain some insights- both into what seemed to trigger him, different patterns etc and how I was reacting/contributing. What worked and what didn’t. Was he better once he started meds, any changes, etc Things like that. It was helpful. I never showed it to anyone.

But I’m sure if he had found my notes he may have interpreted them the same way you are….

Of course it is possible he is just a jerk and keeping score. Just giving my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I needed to get something off my spouse's phone and saw they had open a note with my name. Yes, I read it and not sure if I am happy I did or regret it. It was basically a list of all the things I have done over the years to make them upset or parts of my personality they do not like. Most I knew about as they have come up in arguments and I had my chance to give my perspective on what occurred and/or apologised. But it was shocking to see this list that contained such visceral reactions to situations. Of note, it seems my spouse will give pretty much anyone the benefit of the doubt except it seems me. What would you do?

Sounds like he is worried you are going to try to divorce him and take him to the cleaners, and is building a profile on you for court should you attempt to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a photo of the list on your phone then delete his note. Hide your photo in an email or something. He’ll be frantic!

Not pp but this sort of gaslighting is EXACTLY why some of us keep lists.

Don't do this. It's abusive.

[Anonymous]

I only do this when I'm considering a breakup and I need to really clarify my reasons to myself. And I definitely do it after a breakup, when I start to miss the person and need to remind myself why I'm better off. My last BF had a crazy amount of red flags, most of which didn't come out for a few months, and it's kind of wild to see them all spelled out.

[Anonymous]

Did the OP ever specify a gender or are you guys just all guessing that only a man would do this, while simultaneously talking about the times you’ve made lists yourself?

[Anonymous]

I definitely did this before leaving my ex, and before leaving a job with a toxic boss. The lists helps to not normalize or explain away the dysfunction, and can serve as a confidence booster to someone who is contemplating leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely did this before leaving my ex, and before leaving a job with a toxic boss. The lists helps to not normalize or explain away the dysfunction, and can serve as a confidence booster to someone who is contemplating leaving.

They are especially useful if someone is gaslighting you. Without a record, you feel like you’re crazy.