Can we normalize having a “Which parent should we call first?” on forms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Preface, I’m a dad and I handle most of the interactions with teachers, doctors, and other care providers for my kids. Despite this, they usually call, email, and leave messages for my wife instead of me. My info is always on the form, I filled it out. But she is the one they go to.

The problem is that my wife (whom I love very much) is the hot mess mom. Her phone number really only exists in theory. It basically exists to test how many badge notifications a device can handle.

Recently, I was waiting for a lab result to come back for one of my kids allergies. Turns out they called my wife a week ago and left a message. She missed it. I asked them to make a note to contact me first, so we’ll see how that goes. Poor kid has been on a fun free diet for 3 months and could’ve gotten dairy back a week ago.

Anyone else deal with this? What are your experiences? Ideas?

LOL. This is me. Don't call me. I won't see it!
Also does she have 99+ tabs open on her phone? IYKYK, chrome shows at 100

Only 100? Safari allows for 500!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The solution here is to put your phone number for both parents. Moms do this all the time.

This doesn't fix the system. The problem is society's failure to recognize 2 engaged parents! Yes a child can have 2 parents parenting and therefore 2 parents to call. Go to the one designated first then the second. It's not hard.

Who cares about “the system”. You’re not changing that.

You want to fix your problem? This is the way.

[Anonymous]

Our Dr's office has this and we put my husband as the person to call first. They still call me first even though I can't have my phone on me for large portions of my work day. There needs to be an accompanying culture change that doesn't punish both moms and dads for working together to meet their kids' needs.

[Anonymous]

DH works in a SCIF. His number is 100% useless during the day. I have a very convoluted way I can contact him in dire emergencies (like when I was in labor and my water broke).

I hate being the stereotype, but please don't contact dh. Contact me and then either grandma or grandpa next. Frankly the grandparents can drop everything and be at school in 5 min, which I can't with my commute. School will NEVER contact a non-parent like a grandparent, which is annoying AF.

I personally am annoyed by phone calls. Why can't they email and send it to both parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The solution here is to put your phone number for both parents. Moms do this all the time.

Yup. Either you have to keep track of who you need to follow up with, or you put your number for both. And reserve your wife’s number for “in case of emergency”. I think it’s too much to expect that every doctor’s office receptionist, every seasonal summer camp counselor, every teenaged office assistant, etc, will abide by a flowchart of who to call.

husband's?

It's too much to expect them to see "primary" next to a number and call that one instead of default to the woman? If so, we have serious problems with education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have specifically told places "call dad during work hours" and after I (the mom) gave those instructions they did.

This.

I'm a mom and say the same. Some places follow my request no problem, other places hire stupid people who cannot read the note.

[Anonymous]

Most forms are electronic these days, there is no comment section. And I can't write in black marker to contact dad first since it's electronic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The solution here is to put your phone number for both parents. Moms do this all the time.

This doesn't fix the system. The problem is society's failure to recognize 2 engaged parents! Yes a child can have 2 panite.

parenting and therefore 2 parents to call. Go to the one designated first then the second. It's not hard.

Who cares about “the system”. You’re not changing that.

You want to fix your problem? This is the way.

You're dead wrong. We need to fix the unconscious bias. And by realizing some kids have 2 engaged parents it's a step in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our Dr's office has this and we put my husband as the person to call first. They still call me first even though I can't have my phone on me for large portions of my work day. There needs to be an accompanying culture change that doesn't punish both moms and dads for working together to meet their kids' needs.

Next time they call give them an ear full. They won't make the mistake again, just to avoid you. I've had to do that after many failed attempts at being polite. Now they prefer to call DH, which was the goal.

On a side note - they probably put a note next to my number that I was "difficult". On this topic, I am.

[Anonymous]

My SIL has an incredibly busy job. Her husband was the default parent. They had an email that was something like “Larla’sfamily@ “ that in reality dad was the one who read.

They also put Dad’s phone for both, and had a burner phone that they put as emergency contact, that got handed around so sometimes mom had it sometimes the nanny, or a grandparent.

It was absurd, but it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our Dr's office has this and we put my husband as the person to call first. They still call me first even though I can't have my phone on me for large portions of my work day. There needs to be an accompanying culture change that doesn't punish both moms and dads for working together to meet their kids' needs.

Next time they call give them an ear full. They won't make the mistake again, just to avoid you. I've had to do that after many failed attempts at being polite. Now they prefer to call DH, which was the goal.

On a side note - they probably put a note next to my number that I was "difficult". On this topic, I am.

Oh trust me, I did that during the early postpartum days after returning to work after having my second kid. Pretty sure I've been labelled 'difficult' too, but they still do it! The only place that get's it right is their daycare/preschool, which makes sense because they know both of us well over there.

[Anonymous]

Dad here. I don't give my wife's number. I put mine in twice.

I work from home and manage 90 percent of things. My wife is a surgeon and works crazy weird hours so we set up this system back in residency when the kids were small. Works incredibly well. Particularly if you are the person at the medical appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL has an incredibly busy job. Her husband was the default parent. They had an email that was something like “Larla’sfamily@ “ that in reality dad was the one who read.

They also put Dad’s phone for both, and had a burner phone that they put as emergency contact, that got handed around so sometimes mom had it sometimes the nanny, or a grandparent.

It was absurd, but it worked.

PP here. Also, do a family email. This is critical. No one's personal email should be used for kid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL has an incredibly busy job. Her husband was the default parent. They had an email that was something like “Larla’sfamily@ “ that in reality dad was the one who read.

They also put Dad’s phone for both, and had a burner phone that they put as emergency contact, that got handed around so sometimes mom had it sometimes the nanny, or a grandparent.

It was absurd, but it worked.

PP here. Also, do a family email. This is critical. No one's personal email should be used for kid stuff.

Family email is key. Our family email auto forwards to both parents. It's like "[e-mail]"

[Anonymous]

I am the mom and do the classic mom roles. but for complicated reasons our phone numbers are switched so the system will call him with problems instead of mine, because they think he is "mom" My son knows what number to call (mine) but all forms should be changed to Parent 1 and Parent 2. Most moms do carry the mental load, but it is not true for all families, probably not even 75% at this point