Unsupportive sibling

[Anonymous]

Why dont you help your younger daughter with making friends of her own. That skill will serve her better than trying to force her sibling to have a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Encourage (force) her to go. She needs to learn work-life balance. Family is always a priority, and mutual support should always be encouraged. When she wants to be with her friends the night before, she may do so with the understanding that the next morning at 9am, there is a family outing to XYZ that she will attend.

[Anonymous]

Your older daughter needs to learn to show up for people who matter even if she doesn't feel like it and your younger daughter needs to learn to be her own person and that she can't throw away a good day over one person.

I would have told the older daughter that due to this behavior, she is no longer allowed to go out with friends the day before a family activity since she can't seem to handle both... And I would have made your younger daughter go without the older one and show her that she could still have a good time even when someone has let her down.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for the suggestions. I will tell older DD what you all have said and that if she cannot handle going out with family after a friends hang out, she would have to skip them.

What bothered me most was there was absolutely no regret from older DD when she came down at 3:30 and she acted as if everything was fine.

To the PP who mentioned doing outings with just younger one, yes, I have done that a few times when older one refused to come. I guess thats why I got pissed at older DD since it is becoming a pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

It wasn’t attending an event, it was going to a place to have fun. It was selfish of her not to consider her sister’s feelings. She could have slept in the car even though it was already noon. I can understand not going everywhere with her sister but she should have been able to understand that her sister didn’t want to play alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

It wasn’t attending an event, it was going to a place to have fun. It was selfish of her not to consider her sister’s feelings. She could have slept in the car even though it was already noon. I can understand not going everywhere with her sister but she should have been able to understand that her sister didn’t want to play alone.

It sounds like it didn’t sound fun for your older daughter so she avoided it. Did she have any input into planning it? If you want something fun for both girls they may need to decide what it is together

[Anonymous]

It isn't her job to be her younger sister's companion. That is a view that is only going to drive a deeper wedge between them. Younger DD should invite a friend if older DD doesn't want to go. Her sister's feelings aren't her responsiblity.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound horrible. I say this as the older sibling and I grew up with younger siblings. Trying to force these things make people pull away. I certainly did.

She probably was tired from a day out. It’s not her job to keep the younger kids company at a little kid amusement park. Older kids want to sleep in. Next time, have your younger kids bring a friend for company.

Your kids may naturally become closer as they get older. We did, as adults.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've made your younger child the golden child and your older child the family scapegoat. As a family scapegoat, it pings hard for me reading your post. Older child is not allowed to express her needs. Her needs -- time with her friend group, sleep, some time to herself away from younger sibling -- are viewed as selfish wants. I remember it well, it was awful. My mother didn't see me as a person, she saw me as an obstacle to glorifying my sibling, she sided with my sibling against me, I was selfish for...wanting, separating, being me. You are setting up your children to not be close when they grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've made your younger child the golden child and your older child the family scapegoat. As a family scapegoat, it pings hard for me reading your post. Older child is not allowed to express her needs. Her needs -- time with her friend group, sleep, some time to herself away from younger sibling -- are viewed as selfish wants. I remember it well, it was awful. My mother didn't see me as a person, she saw me as an obstacle to glorifying my sibling, she sided with my sibling against me, I was selfish for...wanting, separating, being me. You are setting up your children to not be close when they grow up.

I’m poster 10:10 above and I had a harsh reaction too. This poster verbalized it better. My mother is still doing it, but now with the grandkids. My siblings and I get along well now, as adults, but I live far away. The young ones live close to them. When we visit, she pulls the same stuff now with the grandkids and trying to force them together and now they all have resentment and hate the visits. They are years apart and rather than having normal healthy visits she tries for these forced outings, like you are doing, where the older ones have to entertain the younger ones for “family time.” It creates resentment.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised by the responses.
Maybe I’m the only one who parents like this, but if all along the plan and expectation was that my kids get up at 10 and we go somewhere as a family, that’s what we would have done. I would not have given an option to sleep in or not attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: A lot of different issue here.

This was a planned family thing so she should have been made to get up and go and in the future went here's a planned family outing, no going out with friends the night before if she's not going to be able to keep that commitment. Do your best to make these family things something both will enjoy exception is birthday- then birthday child gets to pick

The other stuff I think you need to relax a bit they don't have to go to all of each others events. But at least 1 or 2 big things a year because family supports each other period.

You also need to have a chat with your younger one that sister may not always want to do things with her all the time anymore. And that's okay.

Lastly you have a DH problem because he should have backed you up.[/quote

Agree with this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why dont you help your younger daughter with making friends of her own. That skill will serve her better than trying to force her sibling to have a relationship with her.

She never said she didn’t have friends. This was a one time thing and the older one couldn’t be kind and go with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why dont you help your younger daughter with making friends of her own. That skill will serve her better than trying to force her sibling to have a relationship with her.

She never said she didn’t have friends. This was a one time thing and the older one couldn’t be kind and go with her.

I stand by my statement. It sounds like the op is using her older kid to be a babysitter/entertainer. The younger kid needs her own peers or the parents need to engage more. The you get one shoukd be there with her peers.

A teen has different needs and interests The op shouldn't force this. What op describes is age appropriate.

Op, I'm surprised your teen doesn't make everyone miserable when you plan these forced outings.

[Anonymous]

The younger child needs to be with her own peers.