Unsupportive sibling

[Anonymous]

DD is so selfish when it comes to her sibling. She had a day out with friends and the next day we had planned a family outing to a place with rides. Sibling (younger DD) wanted DD to come for company and to play at the venue. DD said she was tired after her day with friends so we waited until 10am and DD refused to wake up. Then it was 12pm and DD still refused to get up. I was pissed and started shouting asking her to get up since the rest of us were ready. Her Dad supported her and asked sibling to go alone with me to the venue and she refused saying its more fun with her sister. Younger DD was sad about what DD did since younger one always lets go and supports her. This is not the first time and DD has done this before and we have to force DD to come for her sibling's events.

How do you handle this and make sure the siblings are supportive of each other? I sometimes worry about what would happen in the future if it continues like this.

[Anonymous]

You can’t force it. And the more you force it, the less likely it is to happen.

What’s the age difference? Teens do pull away from their family, it’s very natural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t force it. And the more you force it, the less likely it is to happen.

What’s the age difference? Teens do pull away from their family, it’s very natural.

OP. A year and a half difference.

[Anonymous]

That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

[Anonymous]

Not all siblings are close and you can't force it, it will just make it worse. Have them pick an activity to do together that they both enjoy and don't schedule anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

OP. The last one was a planned family outing that she refused to come to, to just be with her younger sister and give her company. She had her fun day with friends the previous day and this outing was more for the younger one with family. We had set up a time for 10am and then she started the drama saying she does not want to get up and refused to come.

But the others are events like concerts, recitals where DD does not want to come and we force her to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was pretty confusing - are you talking about siblings attending each other's sports games or recitals? Or a family event?

Some family events should be required and there should be a set time and everyone should go.

I don't think forcing your kids to attend each other's "events" will make them supportive - it will just be forced.

There are ways, but forcing isn't one of them.

My kids (who are different in personality and interests) do support each other --- I didn't force them to attend everything, but they did attend important events (finals, graduations, etc) and of course we still have required family events even though they are in their 20s.

OP. The last one was a planned family outing that she refused to come to, to just be with her younger sister and give her company. She had her fun day with friends the previous day and this outing was more for the younger one with family. We had set up a time for 10am and then she started the drama saying she does not want to get up and refused to come.

But the others are events like concerts, recitals where DD does not want to come and we force her to come.

When my kids still played sports, we stopped making them come to each other’s games when they could be home alone, though we wished that they would to support their sibling. Now they come to each other’s special events because they love each other not because parents forced it.

I would drop the rope for a little bit and see what happens. Read “siblings without rivalry”

[Anonymous]

PP here - how old are they? I feel like you can have some required things but not too much and they need some control as they get older.

Do you want to attend the end of year concert at school or final game? Is Saturday or sunday a good day for the family outing?

My kids are supportive of each other but only their terms - they don't do everything but they do spend time together when they have more control. Maybe you should have agreed on 11:00 or something, but if I set a time, I generally try to stick with it.

I would also read Siblings without Rivalry - I know folks recommend it a lot but I do find it somewhat useful as the kids get older - still trying to have some control but not forcing a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I would’ve made her get up and do the event. I would also talk to her a lot, seriously, about what family means. Next time when she wants to go out with friends, if there’s a family thing the next day just remind her that she can hang with friends but the family is doing X the next day. And don’t pin it on the younger sister, because that will just increase resentment. Make it about how you and DH want all of you to go as a family.

[Anonymous]

She should not be forced to go.

[Anonymous]

I think the bigger issue is that you had family plans at a certain time. It doesn’t matter what she did the day before, she was aware that the family had plans. I would have made her go at the designated time. If she was unpleasant about it I would tell her she clearly can’t handle social plans the day before family events.

I wouldn’t focus on the sibling relationship part because it will just make her resentful of her sibling. This was a planned family outing.

[Anonymous]

You wanted to force older kid to go to amusement park with rides to keep younger kid company? The more you force stuff like this the more resistant older one will be. Comes a point where younger has to have fun without older. Or bring a friend. Same for older.
It will get worse. 8th graders don't want to hang with 6th graders.

[Anonymous]

My kids are the same age distance apart. I would not make this about supporting her sibling. You had family plans to do something, you gave her leeway to hang out with her friends the day before, and she knew about the commitment in advance. The fact that she freaked out about it an reneged on the commitment because she was tired means clearly next time she should be hanging out so late with friends the night before. Tell her that this is what her actions have demonstrated and that until she has demonstrated more maturatity she won’t be hanging out with friends the night before you have family plans. But don’t make it about the sister

Also don’t require your teen to go to all a siblings events though. I’ve found that dropping that has resulted in kids who are more supportive of each other on their own terms. If I told my 15 year old he had to go to his 14 year old brother’s basketball game he’d spend the whole time sighing loudly or on his phone. Lately though he’s actually suggested he come for part (on our way somewhere else) and actually paid attention. And he and all his friends were cheering him on at a swim meet this morning. Especially as teens I feel these things work out best when not forced.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd make it less about the sibling and more about the family. E.g. "Sunday we are going to spend the afternoon going at the trampoline park," not, "Larla really wants you to go on the trampoline park. Will you go? Why not? Why aren't you being supportive of your sister?"

But also, pick and choose your battles. It's fine to require family time, but know that it may feel like a burden to one or more family members. Is it worth the cost?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t really see this as a sibling issue and am not totally sure why you are making it into one? This is more of a “teenager doesn’t want to come on a family outing” which is fairly normal (even though we often require our kids to come on family outings if they don’t have other plans).

We generally don’t force siblings to attend other siblings’ events (games recitals etc) once they are old enough to stay home alone. But I know some families do.