How do kids become driven? Or even motivated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately i think it’s mostly innate personality.

I have to agree with this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately i think it’s mostly innate personality.

I have to agree with this.

+1

Give me a break. You just want to believe that your kid is naturally intelligent. You don't realize how much of an influence you are having on your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately i think it’s mostly innate personality.

I have to agree with this.

+1

Give me a break. You just want to believe that your kid is naturally intelligent. You don't realize how much of an influence you are having on your kid.

The question isn’t about intelligence, it’s about intrinsic motivation. And yes, modeling is great. But a parent cannot force motivation on their child.

[Anonymous]

Being unmotivated is not a characters flaw. If you're concerned your kid doesn't seem motivated then look up Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Where's the deficit? Is your kid lacking self-esteem? Sense of belonging?
Also, be careful how you're envisioning what "motivation" looks like. Not all top students are actually emotionally and cognitively engaged. They are robots.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to slightly disagree. I went through a particularly tough childhood emotionally with parents who were not particularly supportive. It’s one thing to let kids make their own decisions, but parents have to support those decisions morally and logistically where needed. I think that parental support of decisions have about 50% to do with it.

As an example: In high school, I wanted to join the crew team, and basically, my father said, “great, you can get yourself there from school and back home on the bus.” The problem was, we lived in a very suburban neighborhood with very poor bus coverage. They had a bus from the school to the practice location about 3 miles away but then it was 7 miles back to my house (you would pass the school), and I would have to switch buses twice to get home - and the buses were not reliable. This is all to say, I had to quit the team before I really got started and shut off that part of myself. This didn’t happen just then but over and over with choir, debate, science fair, and swim team, among others.

Saying drive is innate means that you have nothing to do with it. You do, but after the kid makes the decision, not before. But you also provide accountability - so they think carefully about what they want. The kid decides and then you support and hold them to it for at least a few months.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want a kid like that. They tend to have higher rates of anxiety, burnout, depression, eating disorders, etc. I'd rather than my "Bs are fine!" kid. They are mentally healthy and can enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

For me it was intrinsic. My parents supported me in that they provided me a stable and loving household, and as I got into HS they paid for enrichment. Beyond that they did not push me academically.

I am the same with my kids. I don’t push, though I do observe them more than my parents did, so I can provide supports if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want a kid like that. They tend to have higher rates of anxiety, burnout, depression, eating disorders, etc. I'd rather than my "Bs are fine!" kid. They are mentally healthy and can enjoy life.

I just posted. I was always driven but luckily avoided all of those mental health issues, except for one bout of depression but that was related to infertility issues at the time.

One side of a non-driven kid to watch out for is if they have too much free time they get caught up in social media and video games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I HIGHLY recommend the book “ the Self Driven Child” by Dr . Bill Stixrud and Ned Johnson, both of whom happen to be in the DMV area.

https://a.co/d/9gTFCzr

The main premise of the book is that you should let your child make their own decisions ( within reason) and not to micromanage your child.

You know I parent a lot like that book recommends, and I have one kid who is very easy going but hard working, and one who is incredibly self driven. And I kinda thought it was a product of my parenting choices.

My younger sibling raises their kids in a much more intense, parent driven fashion. Some might say "micromanaging", but I'll use more neutral words. Their kids? One is very easy going and hard working, and one is the only kid I know as self driven as my youngest.

So, now? I'd say I have no idea if the concepts in the book make a difference.

I also agree I’m not sure if it’s because of the book, but I followed it and have 3 self-driven children including 2 boys. If nothing else, I can say it didn’t hurt. There are specific points in time where I remember my telling my kids they can go farther if they want to. I remember the looks of things clicking and desires forming. It was all very novel.

They have big dreams and work hard for them. However, they are also ok with setbacks. For example, one son has his heart set on CalTech, but I think he’ll be just fine if he doesn’t get in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I – I think – are okay parents. We try to balance positive reinforcement and encouragement and setting general rules/parameters. Our kids are pretty intelligent and do pretty well in their challenging school. They don’t have the “fire in the belly’ to really kill it with grades, sports, extracurriculars, etc. Many high school students at our school are ‘tryhards’ (as the youth say) and achievers in these areas.

How do these kids become so driven? Intrinsic drive, parent pressure, parents successfully supporting their strengths? I’m sure there are all sorts of reasons – I just feel like there’s something we didn’t do/aren’t doing that would motivate them to push themselves more. I’m not suggesting they must grind themselves to the ground.

What’s the special sauce parents use? If there is any? As my kids age, I have come to realize that I have much less influence than I’d thought.

Your kids are their own people with ideas on how they want to live their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately i think it’s mostly innate personality.

I was an intense try-hard all throughout school until I got into an elite college. I was motivated because in spite of appearances to the contrary, my home life and family were messed up. I was desperate for external validation and later, for the grades and results that would get me out of my family to anywhere else. In 7th grade back in the 90s I was already planning my HS activities and class schedule to have the strongest possible college application and checking out admissions guides from the library. This was not really a thing back then so I did it all in secret.

My DD has zero fire and is intense only about the things she cares about and is totally indifferent to grades even though she is smart. Frankly it’s a relief even though it’s unfamiliar to me. It gives me the sense that she feels safe and secure and doesn’t need external validation.

[Anonymous]

I think it's largely intrinsic. But combine that with some kind of challenging life circumstances, when kids understand early that their destiny is entirely in their own hands, that's when you really see the drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately i think it’s mostly innate personality.

It’s innate but I also think it’s finding something the child loves and is naturally good at it or interested in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't want a kid like that. They tend to have higher rates of anxiety, burnout, depression, eating disorders, etc. I'd rather than my "Bs are fine!" kid. They are mentally healthy and can enjoy life.

I just posted. I was always driven but luckily avoided all of those mental health issues, except for one bout of depression but that was related to infertility issues at the time.

One side of a non-driven kid to watch out for is if they have too much free time they get caught up in social media and video games.

This. I'm concerned about my not so driven but smart, son, specially because he just played games at school instead of doing his best work.

Any tips on how to help a kid in this situation? I feel like backing off isn't working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I – I think – are okay parents. We try to balance positive reinforcement and encouragement and setting general rules/parameters. Our kids are pretty intelligent and do pretty well in their challenging school. They don’t have the “fire in the belly’ to really kill it with grades, sports, extracurriculars, etc. Many high school students at our school are ‘tryhards’ (as the youth say) and achievers in these areas.

How do these kids become so driven? Intrinsic drive, parent pressure, parents successfully supporting their strengths? I’m sure there are all sorts of reasons – I just feel like there’s something we didn’t do/aren’t doing that would motivate them to push themselves more. I’m not suggesting they must grind themselves to the ground.

What’s the special sauce parents use? If there is any? As my kids age, I have come to realize that I have much less influence than I’d thought.

You put our kid in private school for you not them that is why they are average

As kid who is truly motivated and gifted goes to elite privates not DMV ones

You can not teach rive
You can teach a love of learning as a parent

That means you make an effort to be interested in learning as well.
Some motivated kids get jobs outside of your house during the school year, that changes many kids trajectory ie makes them understand hard work