Pouting, sulking, silent treatment

[Anonymous]

One thing I would consider is whether these trivial reasons he gives (such as saying hello the wrong way) are actually real. There is a good chance he does not know why he is upset and is providing an excuse, so digging into the "why" may not be helpful.
I would try to keep track of when he has those bad moods and see if there is another trigger. But I would also have talks with him (when he is in a good mood) about how his feelings are not other people's problem to solve. He can feel his feelings, but he can't take them out on other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's manipulating you and doing it because he's getting what he wants/a reaction. It's not great that he is capable of doing this as it's emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I think that's where a therapist comes in.

Two of your stories are situations where you don't need to be present...a field trip and a 10 year old birthday party. I would try to really just dis-engage and pull back from anything other than basic needs and see what happens. Stop telling him to stop or talking about it at all. Why are you even finding out the reason hours later? Are you probing? Who cares. If he sulks and is silent, his loss. Carry on with your life and ignore him.

OP here, and I appreciate this advice. But what do I do in the moment? He absolutely looks like a brat for sitting things out or moping along when it’s unnecessary.

Here's what I would do:

1) In the moment - pull him aside and say that he needs to stop pouting. Then ignore him completely if he keeps it up (i.e., don't make a scene or feed his need for attention); then
2) after the event, speak to him one-on-one. Like an upthread PP advised, describe the bad behavior in clear, neutral terms. Explain why it's a problem, why it doesn't meet your standards of behavior, and that you expect him to behave better in the future. You can put in some language here about what he *should* do if something upsets him - come to you at the time, take a break to cool off, whatever; then
3) next time you're leaving the house remind him that you expect him to participate/not shut down/not pout. Quick reminder of the options he has in his tool belt for when things don't go his way; and now, the most important part:
4) if he does it again after the reminder, you leave. And the next time there's somewhere he wants to be, you don't go. And you tell him you're not going because he hasn't demonstrated he can meet your behavioral standards.

You shouldn't have to work through this list more than twice. And maybe it seems harsh, but he's 10, and you've expressly stated that he doesn't have any underlying diagnoses that are fueling this behavior. We dealt with my daughter overreacting to things not going her way when she was 5ish, and it was a slog but it was worth it, because now she knows what we expect from her and she meets those expectations.

Also if the pulling aside in #1 works, and he actually straightens up on that outing, then I would acknowledge it and thank him after the event. Give attention to the behavior you want to encourage, not the behavior you're trying to eradicate.

This is good advice. I would be clear in #2 that his behavior is impacting others and is rude and disrespectful to people who have organized events and off putting to peers. I would further explain that his peers will ultimately not want to be around him and not want to be friends with him based on this behavior. I don't know what you've explained previously. Maybe you've said all this. Be very specific and practical. I don't think this is mean. Tell him the truth. No one else will. I think parents can sometimes be too vague.

[Anonymous]

If his reasons for the negative behavior always circle back to you, you need to both be in therapy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to clear the air, he has absolutely zero signs of autism or adhd. None as a baby, toddler, or now. I’m not saying he doesn’t need counseling or therapy…but I’ve been around children long enough to know that those two diagnosis aren’t the problem

NP.

I am sorry you are going through this op. You’ve ruled out these causes. But have you considered the possibility your child is expressing dissatisfaction with their arbitrarily-assigned gender? Have you ever asked them directly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to clear the air, he has absolutely zero signs of autism or adhd. None as a baby, toddler, or now. I’m not saying he doesn’t need counseling or therapy…but I’ve been around children long enough to know that those two diagnosis aren’t the problem

NP.

I am sorry you are going through this op. You’ve ruled out these causes. But have you considered the possibility your child is expressing dissatisfaction with their arbitrarily-assigned gender? Have you ever asked them directly?

Stop trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to clear the air, he has absolutely zero signs of autism or adhd. None as a baby, toddler, or now. I’m not saying he doesn’t need counseling or therapy…but I’ve been around children long enough to know that those two diagnosis aren’t the problem

NP and behavior similar to your DS was actually was prompted us to seek out neuropsych testing when DS was 8. Surprise but not surprise: autism. It doesn’t always look or sound like whatever stereotype you have in mind (and now I know this from experience). Defensiveness, blaming, reflexively playing a victim all are connected to demand avoidance, which is a struggle for a lot of neurodivergent kids. He is using you as part of his demand avoidance and to extract himself from increasingly challenging and mature social situations with which his brain can’t keep up.

It felt surprising and upsetting but ultimately we were relieved to have an explanation and a roadmap for what skills DS needed to build to be more successful as he grows up.

[Anonymous]

What he’s doing is essentially having a silent tantrum. If you explain it to him like that, he may better understand why it’s not okay. Discuss how a toddler throws themselves on the floor and screams because you cut their sandwich wrong, and we all know that’s an immature coping skill. What he’s doing is the same thing. He’s being very rigid when things don’t go as he expects. It’s the rigidity that he needs help with.

[Anonymous]

As someone who wishes she could go back to when my son was 10 and get him the help he needed I will agree that professional help is warranted. The worst that can happen is that it turns out to be something a small parenting tweak can fix and it’s over and done. But since it seems pervasive and and an extreme reaction to minor things I would see a good therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to clear the air, he has absolutely zero signs of autism or adhd. None as a baby, toddler, or now. I’m not saying he doesn’t need counseling or therapy…but I’ve been around children long enough to know that those two diagnosis aren’t the problem

And that just goes to demonstrate that you know nothing about it, OP. I was the one who suggested autism. My adult son has autism. You'd never know it. My friend's daughter has autism - she can be very social and charming. She can also be absolutely horrid to her own family, very much in the same vein as your child, except she's now 18. I'm not saying your child definitely has that diagnosis! I'm just saying: NEVER assume. You are not the professional. A lot of mental health disorders don't present in certain people the way they're portrayed in the general media. Your child could also have something completely different.

This bears repeating... never make the mistake of thinking you know better than the psychologist. Too many parents have missed their chance at diagnosis that way.

I’m not saying this is your case, but I think that there are too many people out there whose kids are capable of behaving perfectly well in public and are horrible at home and instead of thinking “are the parents doing something to allow this behavior” we are using terms like masking and assigning diagnoses to excuse their behavior. Almost everybody behaves differently at home/alone than out in school/work. It isn’t always “masking,” it’s understanding social norms. I feel like it’s dangerous to tell everyone whose kid is acting out that it must be attributed to some neurodivergence. We have significant numbers of students who are poorly behaved at school, and they aren’t all on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that likely you are getting explanations that are dubious at best because 10 year old boys don’t have a lot of insight, and he is probably irritated that you are grilling him for a reason.

My guess that he would benefit from better social skills and better self regulation skills. He needs to bond with other kids so that he feels more relaxed in social situations. He also needs to learn to identify when he is frustrated, angry, disappointed or sad and learn how to reset and deescalate on his own.

Being active can also help with stress. Make sure he is getting as much exercise as possible.

[Anonymous]

Suggest Rational Emotive therapy resources for ideas on how to address—anything from this perspective https://albertellis.org/product/rational-stories-for-children/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just to clear the air, he has absolutely zero signs of autism or adhd. None as a baby, toddler, or now. I’m not saying he doesn’t need counseling or therapy…but I’ve been around children long enough to know that those two diagnosis aren’t the problem

A kid his age who does not care about having friends is not typical, OP.

[Anonymous]

I would literally just ignore and spend zero time cajoling him. If he wants to pout at the park we are matter-of-factly just leaving, and next time he wants to go to the park the answer is no.

If he complains about the food served the answer is calmly "well I hope you find something you like to eat because this is the dinner that is served." then ignore and move on.

It will take months of doing this consistently to see good results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's manipulating you and doing it because he's getting what he wants/a reaction. It's not great that he is capable of doing this as it's emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I think that's where a therapist comes in.

Two of your stories are situations where you don't need to be present...a field trip and a 10 year old birthday party. I would try to really just dis-engage and pull back from anything other than basic needs and see what happens. Stop telling him to stop or talking about it at all. Why are you even finding out the reason hours later? Are you probing? Who cares. If he sulks and is silent, his loss. Carry on with your life and ignore him.

OP here, and I appreciate this advice. But what do I do in the moment? He absolutely looks like a brat for sitting things out or moping along when it’s unnecessary.

Let him experience that. You are acting like the behavior makes sense somehow and keeping the cycle going.

I would get on a neuropsych list for him. He should care more about peers even if he lacks skills and self regulation. Check out the book unstuck and on target and consider a social skills based class or camp. The social worker at school may do a lunch bunch where they work on skills.

Focus on DH, regular date nights and time with peers like a book club for you. If his behavior gives you social anxiety, do CBT or DBT for yourself. You can let a disordered kid have so much control over your emotions, not good for either of you. Get your cup filled by adults and work to stop reacting to him, walk away. Take the power back and regulate your own response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would literally just ignore and spend zero time cajoling him. If he wants to pout at the park we are matter-of-factly just leaving, and next time he wants to go to the park the answer is no.

If he complains about the food served the answer is calmly "well I hope you find something you like to eat because this is the dinner that is served." then ignore and move on.

It will take months of doing this consistently to see good results.

This!!!