Pouting, sulking, silent treatment
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Anonymous
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This problem has gone on too long and seems to be getting worse with age, despite trying all the things. DS is 10 and despite the crux of this post, is seen by teachers are pleasant, friendly, athletic, and social. Grades are great and he has no problem transitioning off screens/tech. Never shown signs of anxiety or perfectionism.
The problem? Any perceived slight, anything not going his exact way per his standard, etc results in hours of pouting and disengagement. It comes across rude, bratty, and spoiled…and as he gets older, other boys leave him in the dust. What can I do to help him? He refused to participate on the field trip I attended because he didn’t like the way I greeted him “hello.” He wouldn’t participate at his best friend’s birthday party because I didn’t care enough when he mentioned, in passing, that his ankle hurt (which I addressed). He sulked and gave grandma the silent treatment because she brought him to a park that he didn’t like, he did the same at a family event because he “didn’t like the breakfast” that was served earlier in the day. I have a million stories like this, in which he reveals his reason hours after the event. The goal post for his “standards” continues to widen, as he’ll name some minor little reason and he truly doesn’t see his behavior as problematic. We don’t give in, we don’t coddle. He’s independent and never been a clinger, but I listen and validate when needed. The sulking reasons seem to always circle back to me (“mom didn’t give me enough money to buy the snacks I wanted,” so he won’t speak to the family for the rest of the day). Help us stop this. |
Anonymous
| Can he see that it's causing him to lose friends? |
Anonymous
OP. He doesn’t particularly seem to care, and not enough to stop it in the moment. He can’t (or won’t) turn it off once it starts. |
Anonymous
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This seems like something to address with a mental health professional. Even if there's not a diagnosis, a psychiatrist or counselor can explain why it's a problem and be someone other than you doing it.
But I would really be wondering if there's an underlying issue that needs therapy. |
Anonymous
+1. It seems like extreme behavior. Do you or your spouse give the silent treatment to people? Do you have other kids, do they act this way? |
Anonymous
He's a manipulative narcissist brat. If he gives you the silent treatment enjoy the silence! |
Anonymous
OP here. My other kids don’t do this, nor do me or my spouse. |
Anonymous
| He's manipulating you. It probably always somehow circles back to being your fault because you're most upset by it. Does your husband get bothered by this reaction, or does he just ignore him when he pouts? |
Anonymous
There may be some truth in this. But, as the mom, I am the one to deal with 75% of this because we are together more. I actually do wonder about him being a manipulator (a PP mentioned narcissism, which didn’t cross my mind, but may be true as well). |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP, but this child needs a neuropsychological evaluation. He appears to have a mental health disorder. Evaluations are very expensive, but for both of your mental states, not just his, I think it's a worthwhile expenditure of money. Do it sooner rather than later, because as he grows, he'll get much better at dissembling and lying to others (ie, the psychologist testing him) to hide what he knows to be unfair treatment of you and his friends.
Which disorder is up in the air: it could be something as simple as a generalized anxiety disorder combined with autism that expresses itself in creating rigid criteria for satisfaction, and reflexive blame on you, because you're his safe person. Or it could be something else. Before getting targeted therapy, he needs a diagnosis, otherwise you don't know what type of therapy you need and how to being to address his needs. Keep your boundaries strong. Volunteer on field trips if YOU want to. His go-ahead does not count. You're not doing it for him, you're doing it as a community service. |
Anonymous
Just send him to his room until he's ready to be good company. He can be upset, that's fine. He can be disengaged. But if he's not willing to 1) explain why he's upset, and 2) move on from the perceived slight or actual problem once resolved, then he can process at his own pace, alone. If you are consistent, when he stops getting cajoled and massaged to improve his mood, he'll realize that this tactic is not fruitful. |
Anonymous
| I do this is a concerning pattern and something that needs to stop. I think that you need to get professional help for this now, as it appears to be an entrenched behavior in his personality. Along with seeking professional help, I’d sit him down, explain the observable behaviors you see, and outline consequences for them. Refusing to speak when spoken to is rude and he needs to know what consequences you will impose next time. He’s only looking at this from his point of view, due to his age, and he needs to hear how his behavior affects others. If he truly doesn’t care about that, that’s a very serious problem. Look for a professional very skilled at working with children who has a doctorate, not an LCSW. |
Anonymous
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I agree with others you probably need professional help.
The cure for this is you would stop caring. That is what happens in these types of relationships if you are going to break the cycle. At some point, you disengage and genuinely stop noticing or caring if the person is sulking or giving you the silent treatment. At that point, any real feelings you have for the person are kind of dead and if required you keep up a perfunctory surface level relationship. (I have a mother who employed the silent treatment and the behavior you describe toward me as her child.) However, this is your child and you are his mother. So that is not a great ending. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Just to clear the air, he has absolutely zero signs of autism or adhd. None as a baby, toddler, or now. I’m not saying he doesn’t need counseling or therapy…but I’ve been around children long enough to know that those two diagnosis aren’t the problem |
Anonymous
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He's manipulating you and doing it because he's getting what he wants/a reaction. It's not great that he is capable of doing this as it's emotionally abusive and dysfunctional. I think that's where a therapist comes in.
Two of your stories are situations where you don't need to be present...a field trip and a 10 year old birthday party. I would try to really just dis-engage and pull back from anything other than basic needs and see what happens. Stop telling him to stop or talking about it at all. Why are you even finding out the reason hours later? Are you probing? Who cares. If he sulks and is silent, his loss. Carry on with your life and ignore him. |